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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Original poster

No heartbeat at 20 week scan

40 replies

Hopelessmumma · 18/12/2023 21:59

Hi We went for our 20 week scan and found that baby did not have heartbeat... Based on the measurements, she was measuring 20 weeks 2 days which was what the actual age was as well... Wondering if that means she left us pretty recently like 2-3 days ago or even maybe today

I caught a bad cold and cough over the past week and was asked to take amoxicillin antibiotics ... I am hoping that didn't cause this as the doctors and midwives repeatedly said that was ok

..I am so heartbroken it was our first pregnancy and I have had a pretty difficult last couple of months and I was so hoping to start enjoying the good part of pregnancy and starting to feel her movements but this has just broken me and my husband... We did a private scan at 17 weeks and everything looked normal and growth was going as expected... Just sitting here thinking what went wrong as I didn't catch any indication that she was in pain or something..sorry for my incoherent rant probably.. Just hoping to figure out how to process all of this

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 19/12/2023 09:13

What terrible news. I am so sorry. 💐

DeadButDelicious · 19/12/2023 09:52

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your loss, we also lost our eldest daughter at 20 weeks. It was and remains the hardest thing we've ever been through. We did have a post mortem and found out that she had a chromosome deletion, so 'just one of those things', I can't tell you how sick I am of that phrase.

I won't lie, there will likely be many nights you lie awake coming up with a list of things you did or didn't do, that's very normal, I think it's our minds way of making sense of what happened but please, please don't blame yourself, it's not your fault. We had a bereavement midwife, if that's something your hospital offers then do take it up, ours was invaluable. I also went to a local grief support group that helped as well.

I'm sending all my love to you. If you want to talk about your daughter, or anything else, we're here to listen. Flowers

Longbarn5 · 19/12/2023 20:52

Really so very sorry to hear such sad news. Thinking of you both and sending huge virtual hugs x

RudsyFarmer · 19/12/2023 21:04

Oh I’m so sorry. I know how you are feeling very well even though it was a few year ago for us now. My last loss was at 17 weeks and was found to be a chromosome issue. Is there a way you could elect to find out the cause? I know understanding the reason helped me get through it as I was blaming myself.

Shrillwaffle · 26/12/2023 01:23

I’m so so so sorry for your loss sending you so much love.

I lost my first baby last year at 23+5 and I want to start off by saying that please please please do not blame yourself. It’s all I did after for months and the guilt that I might of done something that caused it was unbearable so please don’t do it to yourself. Plus antibiotics I believe are safe during pregnancy so please don’t think that by taking them it cause anything because you were doing what was best which is staying well and the midwife/doctor wouldn’t have prescribed them otherwise.

are you having a post mortem or your placenta looked at? I didn’t want a post mortem as I wanted to lay her to rest but after they looked at my placenta they came back with she had a hypercoiled cord and vascular issues to the placenta. Whilst this didn’t take away the pain and left us with more questions I could finally stop blaming myself as I knew there was nothing I could do. Maybe if you had your placenta looked at they could find a reason or something to let the guilt go?

and lastly I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant my first baby girl will never be forgotten but there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise you <3 me and my husband put our grief into raising money for a stillbirth charity that provided us with a memory box after birth maybe it would help you too to throw your energy into something positive in your angels memory? Just a suggestion

I hope it helps somewhat. I know the pain you’re feeling all too well but I do promise you will be able to live life again. The grief never goes your baby never goes away but things become copeable

LunaTheCat · 26/12/2023 02:52

I am so so sorry… I cannot marine the devastation.
💐

Original poster
Hopelessmumma · 26/12/2023 22:29

@Shrillwaffle Thanks for your kind words and I am sorry for your loss.. yes we have asked for a full post mortem which will involve looking into placenta as well...I hope we get some answers although it looks like it will take few months for them to come back 😔 I am trying hard not to think about it but it is so difficult not to feel guilty without knowing any answers .. hoping that I can come out of this experience and have a happy healthy baby soon

Happy to hear you are having your baby soon I hope everything goes well with you 💝

OP posts:
Mariposistaa · 26/12/2023 22:35

Please change your username OP. You are NOT hopeless. This is not your fault

UsernameFail · 26/12/2023 22:44

I am so very very sorry for your loss. I have no words to make this better. Please know this was not your fault

Sending you love from far xx

ThickPinkSocks · 26/12/2023 22:47

I’m so sorry.
I lost my baby at 25 weeks, no cause was found.

oneflewoverthe · 26/12/2023 22:47

@Shrillwaffle I'm so sorry. I had a 20 week miscarriage in June caused by early preeclampsia. It's easy to blame yourself but it's definitely not your fault. I'm still upset and angry about the whole thing tbh but it does get easier x

Shrillwaffle · 27/12/2023 00:07

@Hopelessmumma :’( I hope it provides you with some comfort when the reasons come back, I knew after I could unburden the load that was on my shoulders some what. I know it’s hard not to feel guilty because it’s all consuming. Sometimes I felt I was suffocating and could t stand barely because it’s the pain without the pain. But honestly I’m sure it was nothing you did I hate the term ‘one of those things’ it’s over said but it’s more cripplingly unfair and unfortunate. Just surround yourself with support and have your own space when you need it. Try to be kind to yourself <3 me and my husband went abroad after a few weeks and it really helped clear our mind and have new scenery. There were some days I stayed in bed crying on holiday but other times were I could relax and just be. Maybe it would be worth thinking about that too? All the best xx

oneflewoverthe · 27/12/2023 00:10

@Hopelessmumma sorry I meant to tag you

Shrillwaffle · 27/12/2023 00:11

@oneflewoverthe im so sorry for your loss too <3 it’s horrible how many of us this happens to and you actually don’t realise how many people it happens to until it happens. You’re damn right. Tbh I don’t think it ever goes I just think life becomes liveable again. Even 18 months ish on I know there’s stuff I haven’t dealt with. My mind won’t let me. Theyve diagnosed me with PTSD from it now and I have BPD/EUPD anyway so my brain has shut a lot of it off and I’m scared about when my brain totally unleashes because I’m the moments it has it feels like death.

Mademoiselle14 · 04/01/2024 21:33

I am so sorry for your loss @Hopelessmumma. We had a miscarriage at 20 weeks at the end of October and it was quite honestly the worst experience of my life (appreciate I’ve had a very nice life up until now). We opted out of a post mortem which means we are unlikely to know why it happened and blood tests haven’t thrown up anything obvious. If your hospital offer a bereavement midwife team I found ours incredibly supportive and helpful. You will
be in my thoughts x

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