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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Feel like I totally embarrassed myself

13 replies

CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine · 14/11/2023 09:39

I had an MVA on Friday after finding out our baby had no heartbeat two weeks previously.

I had read a lot of posts on Mumsnet and other forums before the procedure to get a sense of what to expect. Lots of people describe it as very relaxed and say they chatted away to the doctors etc.

I cried all the way through, not because it was painful (only one very brief moment of pain) but because they were removing my dead baby, a baby that was planned and wanted and was our last shot at having a third child.

I feel like the midwives and doctors thought I was being terribly dramatic, they even asked why I was crying when I arrived for the procedure, like it was for some other reason than my baby being dead and having to be sucked out of me.

I can’t stop thinking about it, I feel so ashamed and on top of the grief it is so hard to take. I don’t even know why I am posting this, just to get it written somewhere I suppose.

OP posts:
Zimunya · 14/11/2023 09:42

Ah OP. I am so sorry. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and I think the midwives and doctors were incredibly and unnecessarily heartless. You are grieving. You have suffered a tremendous loss. You are allowed to cry. Dealing with grief is far healthier than pushing it don and pretending it hasn't happened. I am sending you a huge hug xx

tulipsunday · 14/11/2023 09:45

Please don't feel ashamed. It sounds like the staff did not treat you with kindness. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I have had two miscarriages and they are heartbreaking. Take care xx

spiderlight · 14/11/2023 09:49

Oh, bless your heart. You've done nothing to be embarrassed about. They should have treated you with far more kindness and compassion than that. Miscarriage care in this country can be awful at times (bitter experience). Thinking of you and I am s very sorry for your loss Flowers

Muckspout · 14/11/2023 09:52

So sorry for your loss 💐

Please, don't feel ashamed, you are grieving.

I have had 3 miscarriages and cried at the hospital each time, it's a normal reaction to grief.

CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine · 14/11/2023 09:58

Thanks everyone, I don’t know if I am making it worse than it was in my head, my DH seems to think everyone was lovely and kind but he wasn’t in the room for the procedure. I just need to stop obsessing over it. Thanks again for your kind words and sorry to everyone else who has been through this.

OP posts:
CluelessInLondon · 14/11/2023 10:29

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel ashamed about how upset you were - it is a traumatic experience, and whilst to the clinicians treating you it might just seem like you're "another patient" who needs a procedure doing, you are grieving the loss of the future you imagined with that baby. It's painful and there is no shame in showing how upset you are about it.

I hope you are recovering okay, take care of yourself and just allow yourself to feel what you need to. 💐

Mamato29192 · 14/11/2023 10:30

Please don't feel that way. Totally normal reaction. So sorry for your loss ❤️

CheekyDog · 14/11/2023 10:44

Please don’t waste any more time and energy on reflecting on how you acted at a very difficult time. Your feelings are valid and crying or anything else is absolutely fine.

My friend is a nurse and has been with many women who have gone through this. I know she always feels for them and has even cried herself about what she has seen others cope with. I also know many of her colleagues have too. I think you were unfortunate to get some very unfeeling medical staff.

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. Take care. x

user1483387154 · 14/11/2023 10:56

You are being too hard on yourself and there is no way you embarassed yourself at all.
Im so sorry for your loss,

INeedNewShoes · 14/11/2023 10:56

They may have asked 'why are you crying?' in case your response was something they could help with. For example you might have been crying because you were scared of the procedure and they could have reassured you.

Bug84 · 14/11/2023 11:13

Hope you’re ok op. I had surgical management under GA last December and I sobbed beforehand through all the different checks with nurses etc. The anaesthetist was lovely to me, the surgeon was somber and kind, but one of the (male) nurses was like ‘why are you upset? It’s gonna be fine!’ Not in a rude tone just like…. No need to cry! I felt the same as you that…. I’m crying because my baby has died obviously.

Also when I was at EPU in the days prior, the registrar (male again) who consented me and took me through all the details was so jovial, and while he was waiting for me to sign the forms he started looking at the news on his phone and making jokes about Prince Harry 😂 it was so at odds with the situation it was surreal. Almost made me laugh in a way as it was so weird and inappropriate!

You didn’t do anything wrong at all, I think some clinicians just have an odd manner, and are so used to the process they forget it’s the worst day of some peoples lives. Hope your recovery goes well ❤️

graceinc22 · 14/11/2023 17:07

Hugs. It’s so painful and it makes so much sense to cry. I lost our baby in august at 11+6 and still break down sobbing sometimes, recently at an internal ultrasound (which I was sent for after my cycles didn’t come back), I just couldn’t stop crying beforehand, such a reminder of the ultrasounds I had when I was pregnant. Love to you ❤️

PinkRoses1245 · 15/11/2023 18:24

So sorry. Perhaps they were asking in case you were crying for pain or something. Don’t be embarrassed, they will have seen it all before.

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