It was a girl. I found out today. Was supposed to be 11 weeks and 3 days. But her heartbeat stopped weeks ago. I opted out for a surgical management that will happen on Thursday.
I just don't know how to grieve. I haven't cried.
I spent three hours at hospital today on my own as I thought it was a routine scan appointment. And I tried not to cry when they told me. I cannot show my feelings in public and I also think about doctors and nurses who have to deal with these situations daily. Didn't want to make anyone's job difficult.
And then when I came home my dd came back from school. And she is only 6. And she doesn't know. And I could not be sad in front of her. And then she had an online class and I had to talk to the teacher. And then the little one came from nursery and I had to deal with dinner, bathing, bed time. And also sent work emails. I didn't even cry when I told my husband. He probably thinks I'm an Iron Lady and just treat it like a cold. Gosh. The family doesn't know. No one knows but I had her in my heart. Everything. Her name. Her birth. How she will be born around my youngest birthday. How I will go on maternity leave. How we will spend the summer together. How do I let her go? I go on with the daily life and I feel I don't have an excuse to behave any differently.