Went back to the hospital yesterday for the follow-up appointment. It was very, very hard to be back there so soon, and to be scanned again so soon in such different circumstances, but they were very kind and whisked me off into a room by myself pretty much as soon as I arrived because I couldn't stop crying. Definitely all pregnancy tissue has passed - I had no uncertainty about the miscarriage itself, but couldn't be sure about the placenta, so it's helpful to have that confirmation.
They gave me a pack of lovely, thoughtful items which I wouldn't have thought I would want but actually really appreciated. A small butterfly-topped box I could use as a casket, with a tiny little lacy insert inside that someone must have made specially, to make it like a bed. I took it home and I got to tuck baby inside and say goodnight and that would never have been something I'd have imagined wanting to do but was really special. Two little tiny teddies, one of which has gone off with baby now and one I've kept with me. A bigger teddy for my son - not that he has the first idea what's happening, bless him; he's only 3 and oblivious to the whole thing but it was a lovely gesture nonetheless. Some other things, too, but those were what stood out. They were able to sort out the paperwork for the crematorium too.
Then in the afternoon I took baby across to the funeral directors, who were also immensely thoughtful. They had a room set aside where I could sit for as long as I needed to say goodbye, and then checked all the details of what I would like to happen for the cremation. They are hopeful that there will be some ashes and if so I'm planning to have them made into a glass bead so I can keep baby with me in a way. It feels very strange that baby has to go off on a journey where I can't go too, but I know they're being taken care of.
I've had miscarriages before, but they were earlier (or, in the case of the missed miscarriage at 10.5 weeks, much less developed and I knew what was coming for a long time before it actually happened). I never felt any real sense of a 'baby' those times. I was very sad for what might have been, but in a more abstract way. This is horrible in a whole new way.
I also strongly suspect that will be the last time I will ever be pregnant. My situation is quite complicated - I have one son, and this pregnancy was from the same batch of embryos that he came from. There are three frozen embryos left, and there is no possibility of creating more after those, but they aren't as good quality and I really doubt they will result in a baby. At the same time I feel a huge pull to try again as soon as I can and am literally looking round my house contemplating what I can sell on eBay to add to the embryo transfer fund! I will give it a few months before doing anything but I'm sure I'll end up trying, just so I know I did; and at the same time I'm pretty sure I'll end up failing.
I used to volunteer to make items to go into hospital packs for stillborn babies (gowns made from donated wedding dresses; little crochet blankets). I always wanted to make the items really special so the people who needed them would feel loved and supported but I hadn't appreciated quite how meaningful those things would really feel from the other side. Perhaps I'll see about going back to doing that again, when I've had a minute to process things.