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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Had my 12 week scan on Tuesday. Miscarried last night.

22 replies

Persipan · 09/11/2023 10:08

It wasn't a completely straightforward pregnancy so I hadn't let go of all my wariness but the scan was fine. It just feels so cruel. And I miscarried at home and now I need to try to work out what to do with the remains. I'm so sad.

OP posts:
Ididivfama · 09/11/2023 10:09

I’m so sorry :( did the drs explain what happened?

makeminealargeoneagain · 09/11/2023 10:17

So sorry OP. xxx

Persipan · 09/11/2023 10:18

The midwife is on about sending me for a scan just to check nothing's been retained (the baby is definitely gone but I suppose it may be worth checking there's no placenta left) so possibly that might give a clue, but I'm not really expecting an explanation to be forthcoming. I think it's likely to remain a shitty mystery.

OP posts:
Pumpy001 · 09/11/2023 10:18

I'm so sorry Op.

SoftPillowAllNight · 09/11/2023 10:21

So sorry for you. I've been in your place and it's a really sad situation. Take care of yourself, take time off to grieve. No one else will understand your loss but that doesn't mean it's any less.

Alwaystired2023 · 09/11/2023 10:23

I'm so sorry OP couldn't just scroll past, massive hugs what a horrible outcome for you and just after your 12 week scan, take it as easy as you can 💐

Kitchendisco1 · 09/11/2023 10:24

I’m so sorry OP, life can be so cruel.

Cinai · 09/11/2023 10:25

I’m so sorry, I can’t even imagine what you must be going through right now 🌸

SM4713 · 09/11/2023 10:30

I'm so sorry OP. I was in a similar position after a 9 week scan, from IVF, when it all looked fine. Sorry if TMI, but I'd put the remains in a screw lidded pot you can buy from pharmacies and take to your EPU. If you can't get there today, keep it in the fridge. Is this your 1st MC? If its your 1st or 2nd MC, they will only check the basics, but if your 3rd MC or more, they will try to do genetic testing to find a cause. Its not always conclusive though, and they dont always find out the genetic makeup though. Just remember that this isn't your fault and you aren't alone. Flowers

waitholdup · 09/11/2023 10:33

@Persipan Have you had a scan?

I had a massive hemorrhage (i'm talking had to throw away my trousers and boots! and lumps) at 14 weeks, and he is now in his bedroom aged 18 - please please please ask for a scan before they do anything invasive

Feel free to ask me any questions, either here or PM

ru53 · 09/11/2023 10:40

I’m so sorry OP. I hope you have some good people around you for support 💐

Persipan · 09/11/2023 10:51

@waitholdup unfortunately in this case I very definitely passed the remains. I had a haemorrhage earlier in the pregnancy so would definitely be holding out some hope if I'd just had blood and clots.

@SM4713 this was a frozen double donor embryo so there's not a lot to be gained by testing, I think. I'll probably look into cremation.

OP posts:
TwigletAddict10 · 09/11/2023 10:59

I'm so sorry OP. It's an awful thing to go through but you are not alone even if it is the loneliest feeling.

waitholdup · 09/11/2023 11:00

I am so sorry OP - sending a hand hold and a hug

Longbarn5 · 09/11/2023 14:11

So sorry to hear this news Persipan, what a truly dreadful thing to happen. Thinking of you x

Penguinsandpuffins · 09/11/2023 14:12

I’m so very sorry. xxx

MargotBamborough · 09/11/2023 14:15

I'm so sorry, OP.

Optimistic66 · 09/11/2023 14:23

Life is cruel and It is really unfair.

Whilst it might feel really lonely, sad, awful now - I hope you get your rainbow and bundle of joy and can look back as a part of your story.

I felt devastated when I m/c and honestly thought id never be a mum... and it was the thief of my joy in my pregnancy that resulted in my son. I wish i'd known its ok to grieve, be sad, and actually feel that life is shit.

Hope you feel better soon and take the time to process - this absolutely crap lonely experience. Lots of people may say things that literally make no sense 'atleast it wasnt x months' but unfortunately only going through it can you realise the impact of a m/c.

TheNonsensePotter · 09/11/2023 14:28

I'm so sorry OP.

When I had an MMC I asked to collect the remains- we buried them under a tree in the garden (ensuring it couldn't be reached by cats or foxes but still biodegradable).
I have a little garden ornament there to make it and sometimes in the summer I tie a white ribbon to one of the branches. I like it because it's not an obvious memorial to anyone visiting but I can look at it and feel at peace that he or she is at home with their family.

Persipan · 09/11/2023 17:13

Thank you so much, everyone, for your support. I've spoken with the funeral directors across the road and they should be able to arrange cremation once I get some paperwork from the hospital confirming the miscarriage. They were very kind.

OP posts:
IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 09/11/2023 17:31

I am so sorry. It still may be worth speaking to your assisted conception clinic or midwifery services - my health board offered testing for me as well as the fetal remains when I lost my first pregnancy over 12 weeks, after a healthy scan. Tested my thyroid, vitamin levels, iron, blood clotting etc etc

Persipan · 11/11/2023 06:46

Went back to the hospital yesterday for the follow-up appointment. It was very, very hard to be back there so soon, and to be scanned again so soon in such different circumstances, but they were very kind and whisked me off into a room by myself pretty much as soon as I arrived because I couldn't stop crying. Definitely all pregnancy tissue has passed - I had no uncertainty about the miscarriage itself, but couldn't be sure about the placenta, so it's helpful to have that confirmation.

They gave me a pack of lovely, thoughtful items which I wouldn't have thought I would want but actually really appreciated. A small butterfly-topped box I could use as a casket, with a tiny little lacy insert inside that someone must have made specially, to make it like a bed. I took it home and I got to tuck baby inside and say goodnight and that would never have been something I'd have imagined wanting to do but was really special. Two little tiny teddies, one of which has gone off with baby now and one I've kept with me. A bigger teddy for my son - not that he has the first idea what's happening, bless him; he's only 3 and oblivious to the whole thing but it was a lovely gesture nonetheless. Some other things, too, but those were what stood out. They were able to sort out the paperwork for the crematorium too.

Then in the afternoon I took baby across to the funeral directors, who were also immensely thoughtful. They had a room set aside where I could sit for as long as I needed to say goodbye, and then checked all the details of what I would like to happen for the cremation. They are hopeful that there will be some ashes and if so I'm planning to have them made into a glass bead so I can keep baby with me in a way. It feels very strange that baby has to go off on a journey where I can't go too, but I know they're being taken care of.

I've had miscarriages before, but they were earlier (or, in the case of the missed miscarriage at 10.5 weeks, much less developed and I knew what was coming for a long time before it actually happened). I never felt any real sense of a 'baby' those times. I was very sad for what might have been, but in a more abstract way. This is horrible in a whole new way.

I also strongly suspect that will be the last time I will ever be pregnant. My situation is quite complicated - I have one son, and this pregnancy was from the same batch of embryos that he came from. There are three frozen embryos left, and there is no possibility of creating more after those, but they aren't as good quality and I really doubt they will result in a baby. At the same time I feel a huge pull to try again as soon as I can and am literally looking round my house contemplating what I can sell on eBay to add to the embryo transfer fund! I will give it a few months before doing anything but I'm sure I'll end up trying, just so I know I did; and at the same time I'm pretty sure I'll end up failing.

I used to volunteer to make items to go into hospital packs for stillborn babies (gowns made from donated wedding dresses; little crochet blankets). I always wanted to make the items really special so the people who needed them would feel loved and supported but I hadn't appreciated quite how meaningful those things would really feel from the other side. Perhaps I'll see about going back to doing that again, when I've had a minute to process things.

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