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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

When saying nothing hurts more

21 replies

Maka21 · 05/11/2023 07:27

I had a miscarriage a while ago. I feel like I have actually been coping really well, but the complete lack of my acknowledgment from my partner’s side really hurts.

I have had a message from my partner’s sibling, but literally nothing from his parents. When we have met up, nobody has said anything at all to me. To compound matters even more my husband’s siblings partner is heavily pregnant.

My husband thinks that it is better like this than them saying something that is hurtful. I just want some acknowledgment of what we have been through recently. It comes across that it doesn’t matter and not worth bringing up. There is a history with his parents, so I had prepared myself that this may be the case, but it still hurts.

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JuliaJohnstone · 05/11/2023 07:35

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It might help to know that I wouldn't mention it to anyone unless they brought it up first, in case they were very upset and didn't want to talk about it. They might be the same. That doesn't make it less hurtful I know, but perhaps they think they are doing the right thing.

thelonemommabear · 05/11/2023 07:39

I'm sorry for your loss.

Are you sure he has actually told them? I had several losses and my husband didn't tell his parents about most of them. He was very private that way x

Slipknotted · 05/11/2023 07:41

I’m sorry, OP.

But you could easily interpret their silence very differently, that they recognise you’re grieving and are respecting your (perceived) desire not to talk about it while it’s still raw.

Maka21 · 05/11/2023 07:41

I get that they may be thinking they are doing the right thing. I just find it weird. They could even check up on me through my husband, but there has been nothing at all. It is their son and sibling, close family. I haven’t even really told that many people.

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Maka21 · 05/11/2023 07:43

Yes they have definitely been told.

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MrsNandortheRelentless · 05/11/2023 07:50

Same here but what made it worse was that I was hospitalised with all of my mcs (I’ve had 7) and was alone as we had no one to look after our other child so dh couldn’t be with me.
They knew I was in hospital.
No mention of it, nothing from any family.

I’ve never forgotten this but have moved on.

What’s the alternative? Making something out of it and getting nothing back yet again or potentially inflaming the relationship further, are they worth it? For me, they weren’t.

CurlewKate · 05/11/2023 08:14

Sometimes people don't know what to say. Or think it's better not to say anything at all. They could be being awful. Or they could be doing what they think is the best thing to do.

verrymerryberry · 05/11/2023 08:16

I'm sorry for your loss OP

There is still so much stigma about miscarriage unfortunately.

It still seems that most people keep pregnancy secret until 12 weeks in case there is a loss. This is because most people don't want to have to tell people if there is a loss. Maybe they also think like this too, especially if they didn't know.

Also people genuinely don't known what to say. It takes someone with a great deal of empathy to be able to say "sorry you lost a baby, it must be really tough especially as I am pregnant"

Or they say ridiculous things such as "I've had I've had a loss too it more common than you think one in 3 end in loss they say" or "there must have been something wrong with the baby you wouldnt have wanted it"

All of these things have been said to me by "close family and friends"

I speak from experience of three miscarriage.

Just take solace from your husband/partner and allow yourself to recover and lower expectations. Sending Flowers

Greenvelvetdress · 05/11/2023 08:22

I know other people have said they wouldn't mention it unless you mentioned it but I completely disagree.

If someone's parent/sibling etc had passed away you wouldn't not mention it.. so I don't think it's any different. All they need to say is that they're sorry and they're also not going to make you more upset than you currently feel.

I've had three miscarriages and I remember those people who reached out to me and it meant so much. I'm so sorry you're going through this xx

Aparecium · 05/11/2023 08:35

So sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is miserable, but people have different understanding about it. My ILs were bemused when dh phoned to tell them about my miscarriage. They considered it a private thing because we had not yet told anybody that I was pregnant, and they felt very uncomfortable being drawn into our private lives this way. I think they would have behaved differently had the miscarriage happened after we had announced the pregnancy. A few months later, when we next saw them in person, MIL quietly and privately said she was sorry it happened to me and asked how I was. And that was all that was ever said.

TBF, my family didn't make a big deal of it, either. After the first hug, they pretty much let it be unless I brought it up. Nobody wants to remind a woman TTC.

Nonetheless, the occasional person checking in on me in the following weeks was very comforting.

Maka21 · 05/11/2023 08:35

Exactly, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it, just a sorry would mean so much. My expectations were definitely lowered from past experiences, but it is still tough when you have to go through it.

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hopsalong · 05/11/2023 09:05

I'm sure they would say something if they knew how much silence bothered you. But I think a lot of us would rather not talk about a miscarriage. What is there to say? It's very common, it's very sad, it doesn't mean that you won't have a healthy baby in the (very near) future for most people. A miscarriage after ten years of infertility and IVF would obviously be different from a miscarriage in the first pregnancy of a healthy 28 year old. A second-trimester miscarriage is different from one at eight weeks.

Maka21 · 05/11/2023 09:19

harsh! Ok yes there is nothing to say. Everybody talks about a stigma, but maybe to broach that stigma we should be allowed to talk about our experiences.

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BigFatLiar · 05/11/2023 09:23

If she's heavily pregnant she may not want to upset you by saying anything while her pregnancy is going along well.

LightSpeeds · 05/11/2023 09:27

I'm really sorry for your loss and also sorry that you don't feel your husband's side of the family seem bothered.

I'd be a bit concerned for the future - about how supportive they would be in any difficult situation (your husband too) as no reaction seems to be their way of dealing with things.

Not sure about Hopsalong's response above - not very empathetic or helpful.

I hope you're starting to feel better... x

KatieJ345 · 05/11/2023 10:23

I agree with other comments. I am sure they haven’t said anything as they don’t want to make it worse for you. I had the exact same thing a few months ago after my MMC when we found out at the 13 week scan. My husband’s family obviously said sorry to my husband on the phone when he told them and they chatted a bit. They have never said anything to me directly and I honestly prefer it this way. It would have been way too painful for me. It’s hard when it is not your own family as they don’t really know you as well and will worry about hurting you.

PADonk · 05/11/2023 10:37

I’m sorry that you don’t feel you’ve been supported. Miscarriages are horrific and having someone else having a healthy pregnancy can really compound the stress and grief you’re feeling. Whilst I agree that people may feel uncomfortable or uncertain saying something to you, that does not prohibit them from dropping you a quick message or card to say hope you’re ok / thinking of you / sending love, to acknowledge what you’ve been through. As you say, silence just helps promote a stigma and add extra weight to a horrible situation. Sending hugs xxx

letsdothis2310 · 05/11/2023 22:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

letsdothis2310 · 11/11/2023 21:33

This post has been on my mind since I read it and I feel I should write to you xx I was so upset with what ‘hopsalong’ wrote to you that I wrote something then asked MN to delete it purely because I couldn’t believe someone had the audacity to be so uneducated. I have lost 6 babies. Regardless of whether it’s ‘common’ or whatever else they have said I have mourned for every single one of my babies and so should you with your baby loss. Yes it is hard because people won’t talk about it, I’m one of those people that will open up about my situation to anyone these days to raise awareness, but to say those around you shouldn’t make an effort to acknowledge your pain? You are allowed the time to grieve what you have lost and the life you perceived your path pursuing xx sending you lots of love and strength x

gemloving · 11/11/2023 21:49

I'm sorry for your loss and that it hasn't been acknowledged as that's what you need.

I never talked about my miscarriage as it was private for me and didn't want / need acknowledging. I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant. I would have brought it up with either side of the family if I wanted to talk about it. Have you brought it up directly with your in laws family you are struggling because of the miscarriage you've had? Are you close?

My baby was stillborn at 35 weeks 3 months ago, I have two living children and I need acknowledgement of this. All family came to the funeral and I speak of our baby often, so do they. I have their back and they support me through this, we are very close. This this is what I need and I voiced it.

Maka21 · 12/11/2023 18:40

Thank you @letsdothis2310 that means a lot

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