Insensitive doctor - mmc

[Zazii]

I had a mmc 3 weeks ago and I am 42. I was 11 weeks pregnant and I had to have a d&c. Yesterday I had my 'final' check up with my doc. I was still numb, I could not cry anymore.
To 'summarize' my mmc episode, my doc said 'with age the risks increase, you should know'. I said I was well aware of it and was prepared to take any genetic tests, she cut me off and said that test covers only risks for 3 disorders and there are a lot more. I asked about the results of the d&c, if any reasons and if the gender could have been identified. She mumbled 'whatever it changes now'. She showed me on her screen that the report said that nothing could be found. And that was it.
I know my doc was not wrong in her words. I know wishing a child at 42 is not risk risk free and might seem selfish but earlier I could not financially and I believe 42 is not too old to look after my child in the future. I felt pointed at and that I deserved a mmc. And I'm upset nothing was found out on the baby I carried, if it was a boy or a girl. I am back to the crying phase

First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. Second of all, that was very rude and unprofessional of that doctor to say. I have ready stories from lots of women on here who have had successful pregnancies at your age. No one deserves for this to happen to them and more often than not, it is just bad luck. My first pregnancy ended in a MMC at a similar stage to you at 30 years old. Unfortunately chromosomal abnormalities are so common and can happen to a woman at any age. Three months later I conceived again and am now 15 weeks pregnant and all is going well. Now I realise it really was just bad luck the first time and I couldn’t have done anything differently. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve. We could not find out the gender either but I had a strong feeling it was a boy and so I have let myself run with that in my head. Wishing you all the best in your recovery.

Oh op I’m so so sorry for your loss of your precious baby and that you were treated with this level of coldness.

I had a mmc at 35 and was treated poorly by all the sonogrophers I interacted with. It was an awful experience and I really struggled with it, so I can very much empathise and hope you have good support around you in RL.

Of course you and all of us know that risks of Mc rise as you age, but you have already overcome a major obstacle which is becoming pg at all. My gynae told me that your odds of having a baby over 40 rise significantly once you have been pg once, even if that pg does not go to full term. I know you may not be ready to hear this yet, but I went on to have two dc and the second was born around my 40th birthday. In my own family two women have just had babies at 43 and 45.

There is definitely still hope and I’m sending you much love and an un mn hug if that would help.

I believe the baby I mc was a girl and for some reason that has stuck with me and is the way I have come to view it, so if you do have a feeling I think it’s absolutely ok to run with that feeling. We were also not told gender and I forgot to ask, which I found very tricky at the time.

I’m so sorry, OP. It’s shit. Miscarriage seems to bring out the worst in doctors. I feel like I had the whole bloody bingo sheet after one miscarriage and ended up so (I hate to use this word) traumatised, that I ended up needing a psychologist.

But…I did, eventually, at the age of 43, get my miracle baby who is happy and healthy and the light of my life.

💐

That is absolutely dreadful Zazil. So sorry you had to go through the whole experience but the doctor should have been far more sensitive. The comment about it not making any difference now was completely unnecessary (and untrue) and very callous. Personally, I would make a complaint. I know you are still very much in pain but this doctor has shown a complete lack of decency and kindness and needs taking to task.

I often think clinicians forget that patients are real human beings with real feeling and enough intelligence to plan babies. I am sorry you experienced that op. I think you shoukd politely write to your Dr explaining how you feel. It might make them reflect on their practice.

I shall never forget going to my GP having miscarried our first baby at about 6/7 weeks. Her words were a dismissive "did you want it". 30 years on they still ring in my ears.

The trouble is that they train doctors based on A level grades and As in A level biology and chemistry, etc, does not automatically make a person a decent candidate personality wise. Often quite the reverse I think! Then there a lot who go into the profession because its expected by parents, etc and they would actually rather be anywhere else but working as a doctor.
Of course, I shouldn't generalise, there are some great ones around, but...