The waiting is torture (MMC)

[Sherw00d]

I can't believe I'm here and posting this. I had my 12 week scan on Monday and my baby had no heartbeat. I should have been 12 weeks exactly but it stopped growing at 8+2.

I can't have medical management as I have mild epilepsy and the medication carries a risk of seizures. The doctor said given how long has passed since the baby's heart stopped, I'm likely to need surgery to pass it.

I have an appointment for a d&c next Tuesday afternoon, but the waiting is just unbearable. 8 days in total, and today only marks the halfway point. All I can think as I go about my day is that my precious baby is both gone and not gone at the same time.

I'm staggered by how hard this has hit me. This baby was so desperately wanted and we'd put off TTC for 2 years longer than we wanted because of my epilepsy diagnosis. I've never cried so hard in my life and it feels like nobody understands. I've been off a few days with my 6 year old DD and have found it so hard to keep it together. The only message I've had from my family (who I told in floods of tears on Monday) is "Have a great day!". How could I possibly have a great day? My baby has died and is still inside me.

Those who have experienced this: how on earth did you manage the wait?

I didn’t. Every day was awful. I also couldn’t have medical management but was worried about having surgery. I also had an ear infection at the same time so I felt horrendous. I got to 3.5 weeks after I found out about the loss before I finally had the D&C.
I felt better after that, like I could actually begin grieving the loss rather than a constant circle of thoughts about what was happening in my body, and the natural management waiting.
You have my full sympathy. Just do what you need to, to get through it, and be kind to yourself.

Thanks so much for this and I'm so sorry you've been through this too.

It's oddly helpful to know that I'm not the only one who has struggled to function whilst waiting.

On the one hand I just want it to be Tuesday night so that the next part of the nightmare is over, and I can take the first steps forward on the other side. On the other, I'm worried I'll feel a fresh wave of grief to wake up and know the baby has truly gone.

I feel so stupid thinking back to Monday morning. DH and I were so excited it to finally give our DD a sibling in that we never really gave much thought to something like this happening. Obviously I know that we weren't stupid and we couldn't possibly have known, but I still feel like such an idiot for being optimistic.

I had my mmc back in 2018 and I conceived again a couple of months after the d&c. Getting pregnant again 100% sorted my grief, which was obviously replaced with anxiety. That subsided after 24 weeks and my kid is now 4.
I did have another miscarriage about 18 months ago, after really worrying whether I actually wanted another child. I went in for an early scan, around 8 weeks and was told baby was strong, all good. 2 days later I then miscarried at home. I haven’t tried to conceive again. I go backwards and forwards between thinking whether to try again.
But that first mmc was so unbelievably cruel. Weeks of thinking it’s all fine, finding out it’s not, every day waiting feeling like an eternity. The natural loss was more traumatic in a way, but the mmc was something else.
You will get through this, and it will make you stronger. So many women experience pregnancy loss and I feel some comfort knowing I can relate to others like this, and offer them comfort.
Take one day at a time, and try not to think last Tuesday. The feelings you experience aren’t linear and take time to come to terms with.
You weren’t stupid going in excited to see your baby. I was very realistic about the possibility of a loss and I still was shocked when I found out.

Thanks so much, this is a huge comfort.

I'm glad you went on to have your now 4 year old and sorry you've had another miscarriage.

I feel so naive, but given that my pregnancy symptoms were so strong and that I'd had a simple pregnancy with my daughter, I was mainly excited to see the heartbeat. Clearly it wasn't to be.

I'm amazed by the strength of the women who go through this. I feel like I don't have the strength to deal with it, but I don't have a choice.

I had my surgery today. I also found out af 12 week scan. Heart stopped beating at 6 weeks (assuming it started). It is heartbreaking and a terrible shock. I new the miscarriage statistics but had never heard of an MMC.
Know that you are absolutely not alone. They say that around 25% of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage and, of these 25% around 3% end in MMC. However, since we got our news I have found that at least 3 people I know have had the experience so I think it is more common than they are saying.
You are in a lot of pain and the wait for the surgery is torture but we are all holding your hand here and I am personally sending you condolences on your loss and massive hugs

I meant to add that my symptoms were very strong too. I suspected nothing. Terrible shock.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a MMC in September. I had to wait 8 days for medical management so I totally understand how you feel. I was (and still am) horrified that the system lets us wait this long.

To answer your question - I took it one hour at a time and I mostly just let myself cry. I watched a lot of comfort TV - friends and Disney movies for me and I started a paint by numbers. I also read a couple of miscarriage books - the worst girl gang was good. I tried to reframe it that it meant I was getting to spend more time with them before they left me for good.

I'm now 6 weeks on and I'd say this week has been the first week I've actually consistently felt like myself. The grief has been overwhelming and all consuming but I'm starting to feel some hope again and you will too. There will likely be times you don't think that's true, but I'm learning that you will.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your precious wee baby.

I had a MMC last month and it was a nine day wait. I had some spotting a couple of days before my 12 week scan and went in expecting to be told I’d been worried for no reason. I felt so stupid - who doesn’t notice their baby has gone? But there’s no way of knowing and I can be a little kinder to myself a couple of weeks down the line.

The only thing that helped me personally was physically wearing myself out. Every day I walked as far as I could, usually in the pouring rain. Stomping through wet woods with the weather as miserable as I was was strangely cathartic. That and digging in the garden like a lunatic.

@Longbarn5 Thank you so much and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this too. I’d heard of MMC but didn’t think for a second it would happen to me. I also think it must be more common that people let on, as a few people in real life have told me they went through it too. It seems particularly cruel after having strong symptoms - I was far queasier this time compared to when I was pregnant with my daughter! I hope your surgery went well - how are you recovering?

@Bugdem123 I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. I agree that waiting over a week is horrific. I just want it to be over, and every day that my body continues as normal without noticing just feels like salt in the wound. I’m trying to give myself little bits of time to breathe and cry and busy myself with crochet etc, though it’s been hard juggling this pain with my daughter’s half term and my job. I bought the worst girl gang yesterday and it’s definitely helpful. I’m so glad you’re starting to see a bit of light at the end of this awful tunnel, and really hope it continues for you.

@HerbaceousPerennial I’m so sorry this has happened to you too and I absolutely get the needing to be kinder to yourself! I know there’s no way I could have known, but at the same time I feel disgusted with myself when I look back over the last few weeks now that I know what had happened. We got a decaf Starbucks whilst waiting at the hospital because we were early, and remembering that carefree feeling makes me feel sick. Carrying that half-full cup down to emergency gynaecology felt horribly inappropriate. As for wearing myself out, I’m in luck: my massive package of spring bulbs arrived today. I will be digging in the dirt in the pouring rain for the foreseeable. Hopefully it helps a bit!

@Sherw00d that’s exactly how I felt. Very naive and almost like I had been ‘pretending’ to be pregnant - obviously not the case but some strange part of me felt like a fraud. If it’s any comfort that feeling has passed completely. Spring bulbs are what I planted too! I felt like that way I’d have something beautiful coming into life on my due date. Hopefully it will help us both. Wishing these next few days away for you.

@Bugdem123 it’s good to hear how you feel at 6 weeks, so thank you. I physically miscarried 2 and a half weeks ago and I have good days and bad days. More good than bad thankfully. I am looking forward to feeling more normal again!

how on earth did you manage the wait?

With lots of tears and I stayed in bed leading up to the d&c then obviously recovery was in bed too
My DP, mum and gran were all really gentle and kind to me and didn't make me feel uncomfortable talking about my loss
The last 3 days of waiting for the d&c app I was suddenly very uncomfortable with still carrying the pregnancy and started to get a bit icky and just wanted it to be done with. But the morning of when I had to phone the hosp before taking the first pill my feelings were back to total heartbreak and not wanting to go ahead as it was the end

I'm so sorry. For me the wait was really hard. Please be so kind to yourself there will be thoughts going through your head that others cant mind read, the more you talk the better you may feel xx
I found so much support from mn x

Should have said I also found out at my 12 week scan. It was a complete shock there was no warnings

I'm so sorry OP & all the other posters who have experienced MMC. 💐

My first pregnancy was a MMC. I too only found out at a scan at 14 weeks. However, having had bad sickness & nausea, I noticed a cessation of symptoms at 8 weeks or so but of course everyone reassured me this can be normal.

Like you, I'd to wait about a week for surgery ( they felt as I was measuring about 10 weeks and it was now 14 weeks it was unlikely I'd miscarry myself).

However before that happened, I did actually start to bleed, and ultimately had a very traumatic time where I had to be rushed to hospital & dealt with as an emergency. I encountered the best & worst of medical care while there. I was quite unwell afterwards too.

In the days between finding out & what happened, like another poster I kept busy. Went to work, embarrassingly I told most people, it was like I couldn't keep it in (I think I'd say it to fewer people if I was to do it again!)

This was 17 years ago now. I had 3 DC afterwards but never forgot that shock & grief.

All you can do is take one step at a time. I'm so sorry your family was not helpful or supportive. Do what feels right for you - everyone is different.

I had my MMC in April and was pregnant by August, just to say, I would have TTC sooner but I needed to wait a couple of months due to being unwell post-surgery

Wishing you, & all those affected, well. ❤️

Mentally I am doing quite well. I have my moments but I have accepted it. Tested again today and HCG gone down massively. I haven't had much bleeding so far. I have some cramping from time to time and I am very tired.
I am just desperate to try again. We are all different and some prefer to wait but I just want to start again as soon as possible.

I was in this position when I was trying to have second dc. I found out I’d had a mmc at 11 weeks, had stopped growing only a few days before. It happened at that weird point between Xmas in new year. I had to wait until after new year for the surgery. It was a horrible wait and I had this weird pinch behind my belly button the whole time so kept thinking I was going to start bleeding. The only thing that really distracted me was my first dc. I do remember thinking that it would be totally unbearable if it was my first baby and how lucky I was to have dd1. That helped. Maybe you can focus on that. Sorry this happened

@HerbaceousPerennial Yes! I also feel like I was "pretending" to be pregnant in some way, particularly given that I was still struggling with morning sickness for weeks after the baby's heart stopped. I know logically that I'm being ridiculous, but logic has no place here. I'd ordered far too many spring bulbs so I could enjoy the early flowers when sitting with my baby, but it looks like I'll be sitting alone now.

@scaredofff I definitely just want to stay in bed, but it's not been an option because DD6 wants me 100% of the time! It's been a helpful distraction and I'm incredibly grateful to have her, but it's also been hard putting on a brave face all the time when I just want to cry. I'm definitely at the point of just wanting this to be done. It feels wrong to still be carrying my baby, knowing that it's finished it's little life. I'm hugely grateful to everyone who has replied to this thread - it's made me feel a bit less alone whilst living this nightmare.

@EarringsandLipstick I'm so sorry you've been through this several times, and that first one sounds incredibly traumatic. I'm surprised that the hospital seemed quite happy for me to go home and "wait and see" given that it'd been 4 weeks when I had my scan. I've managed to get the d&c booked only because my neurologist has written as letter of support. I've told my boss, one friend and my parents. My parents have been quite unsupportive - mostly just telling me to be glad it isn't a stillbirth, which may be true but makes me feel awful. I regret telling them but needed them on call to help with DD6 in case I needed to go to the hospital at short notice.

@Longbarn5 I'm glad you're on the way up mentally. It's still early days for me but DH and I are also in the camp of wanting to move forward and try again asap. The age gap with DD6 is already so much bigger than we wanted it to be, so there's a feeling of missing the boat (even though any age gap would be fine in reality).

@toomanyleggings What an awful time to go through this. That must have been so hard. I'm definitely squeezing DD6 extra tight and having lots of play time with her. If it weren't for her, I doubt I'd have got out of bed this week. My pregnancy symptoms have tanked over the week and I keep getting mild cramps, so that fear is constantly there. Just trying to hang in there until Tuesday.

My parents have been quite unsupportive - mostly just telling me to be glad it isn't a stillbirth, which may be true but makes me feel awful

I'm so sorry. This is awful. 💔

Any pregnancy loss is deeply upsetting; a MMC has the additional issue of being a shock when it seemed like we were past the early weeks ...

I really hope the next few days go as well as they can; there will be a certain relief to having this part over, though the emotional aspect will be longer.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I had a missed miscarriage end of January. I didn’t opt for expectant / watch and wait management but I had a long 3 weeks of weekly scans “just to be sure” (I was 8+ weeks with no heartbeat), and then another week long wait from the final scan to the surgical management. Stuck in limbo and feeling so hurt and robbed and stupid every day. In those 4 weeks my body hadn’t even registered the loss and knowing it was still going about my day with a failed pregnancy inside me was horrible. Felt so cruel. There’s no right or wrong way to feel but I empathise with you. It’s a horrible wait. x

@Notjustmesurely I'm so sorry you had a MMC too. It's just awful and I completely relate to the feeling of frustration over your body not recognising what's happened. Every day you wait for it to start happening, and it doesn't.

Well, my wait is officially over. I had my d&c today and it went far better than I could have expected. The staff at the hospital were wonderful and everything went smoothly, aside from more blood loss than expected (but not quite enough for a transfusion).

Now I just have what feels like bad period pains and a reasonable amount of bleeding.

I thought I'd feel worse this evening but I mostly feel relief. The worst is over and now I can start to move forward with healing. I also need to support DH as he's been quite numb over the past week and it's hit him hard today (probably due to watching me go down for surgery and then waiting for over 3 hours for me to come out!). I think he's mentally where I was a week ago.

Thank you so much to everyone who posted on this thread. Your support has meant to much to me during such a difficult time.

Glad your procedure is done @Sherw00d. I had medical management but also felt a massive wave of relief once it was over - almost euphoric. As a heads up, I did find the next few days tough - I think it was a hormone crash so be gentle with yourself if you find that too. Hope your DH is doing ok as well

@HerbaceousPerennial Thanks for this. I'm bracing myself for the hormone crash and know I'll just need to remember that's what it is. I felt a bit like a psychopath for feeling so relieved yesterday but get that it's normal to be relieved about not having to wait any more.

He seems to be doing okay, but I'm constantly checking in on him. I've had a week to sit with this and deal with having the baby inside my body, whereas he's mostly been worrying about me. Now he can grieve the loss too, bless him.

Glad it’s all over, at least in the sense that it’s been managed and your body isn’t holding onto it anymore. I felt oddly numb for about 24 hours. It was really strange. I went back to work pretty much straight away and wish I hadn’t as I found it pretty devastating having to suddenly put a mask back on for my colleagues who had no idea i was
pregnant in the first place. and then when they asked if I was alright having to be honest and say what has happened. So please take the time you need to emotionally recover. Grief may creep up and surprise you at really crappy times. X

@Notjustmesurely I feel exactly the same. I felt numb but relieved on Tuesday after the surgery, but the emotions hit me like a freight train last night. I spent about 3 hours ugly crying all over DH at bedtime!

I'm back at work today and only my direct boss knows. He's trying his best but we're so busy that I ended up working on the day I found out about the MMC, working til 11pm the day after, and working the morning of the surgery right up to leaving for the hospital. I'm now back to business as usual, even though I'm in a pretty bad headspace right now. It's especially nice coming back to loads of time-pressured work and client calls which I couldn't do over the past 2 days... I wish I'd got a sick note for the rest of the week.