Hi everyone,
Just a quick warning, this post talks about pregnancy loss and does include some details that might be upsetting, so I am so sorry if this does upset you and brings up anything for you.
I am just at a complete loss right now. As of Monday, I was 15 weeks +3 pregnant. I had a blighted ovum miscarriage in March and so have been quite anxious but once we were passed 12 weeks and into the "safer zone" we thought we could relax a little.
I have had hyperemesis gravidarum in this pregnancy which started at 7 weeks pregnant, and at first I just found it so, so hard to deal with. I was hospitalised 5 times for fluid and anti-sickness and had guilt about missing work (which now I know does not matter at all). I had some negative thoughts like "do I even want to be pregnant", "can I even do this", but on the fifth admission, they gave me some better anti-sickness medication that started working for me.
That was last week.
On Saturday night, I started having period-like cramps and some bleeding. I honestly felt numb at first, I have been convinced that this pregnancy is 'the one' and whilst it's been scary, everyone in hospital has always reassured me the baby is fine and that actually hyperemesis babies tend to be strong.
I went into A&E on Sunday morning - they were brilliant - they saw me so quickly and took bloods and gave me a quick scan which showed baby was fine and waving their arms with the heart beating away. They took me to the EPU where they checked internally to make sure my cervix was closed, it was. So they put the pain and bleeding down to my uterus growing and I went home feeling a bit more reassured.
That night, I got severe cramps and the bleeding became quite heavy with clots. Luckily, they had booked me in for a full ultrasound scan at 10am on the Monday morning when I'd gone to the EPU, so I attended that and the scan again showed baby was fine and waving and wriggly. They told me she is a girl! The woman scanning said she thought my cervix looked like it was slightly open and that the doctor would come to talk to me. She printed me a scan picture too, which now I am so grateful for.
The doctor came to see me and said he didn't think it looked like the cervix was opening and because I'd had two internal checks the day before by consultanta and they'd both been okay, he thought it might be something else on the scan, like a cyst.
I was told to wait in the waiting room then for further information. After about an hour, my really strong cramps returned and they became very, very painful waves. I asked for some pain relief and was given paracetamol and codeine. I stood up to go to the toilet and I just felt something drop and a gush of liquid come out. I think this must have been my waters breaking.
They quickly got me into a bed on the ward and after that, everything happened very quickly. I gave birth to my tiny baby girl at 2pm Monday 16th October. What broke my heart the most is knowing that she was still showing signs of life at birth, she was still waving her little hands like she did at the scans.
I can't help but blame myself. It wasn't her choice to come early, she was still wanting to live, my body has prematurely pushed her out and killed her. They don't know why at the moment and are going to be doing tests to try to find out, but have said there might not be a reason they can give. I am just so heartbroken and sad and still in disbelief, how can she be here one moment and then she's just gone? It is so unfair! I just don't know how you move forward after something like this. I also just feel so guilty for some of the dark thoughts I had when I had hyperemesis. I would go through that a thousand times for her.
We got to see her. The hospital were just lovely and got her all cosy and comfy in a little basket with some knitted blankets and butterflies. They gave us a memory box and two bears and blankets so one of each could stay with her and one with us. She is just the most perfect little girl in the world.
I guess this post is partly just to write it out and get some of my feelings out, but partly just to see if anyone has gone through anything similar? I don't think I'll be ready to try again for a while as I'm not sure I ever dealt with the first miscarriage March, but I do want to be a mum and to have a family. I always dreamed of having three children. Has anyone gone through this and then had successful pregnancies?
Thank you for reading anyway, this became quite long!