40 years old and misscarried #1 - broken - where to go from here

[Cinai]

Yesterday’s scan confirmed missed miscarriage…pregnancy stopped progressing at 6 weeks. Now waiting for surgical management and absolutely broken. It’s so unlike me, I was on the fence about children for a long time but then DH and I decided to give it a go. We were quite relaxed during our TTC journey and ended up conceiving quite quickly. The last weeks (I’d be 8.5 now) were happy and we didn’t stress out about anything too much, just enjoyed it and see how it goes….I didn’t think that a miscarriage would crush me as it did. I was a crying mess during my scan yesterday.

I feel numb now and I just don’t know where to go from there. If I was younger, I’d take time to heal and then reassess. I don’t even know if I can put myself through this again. Because of my age, I’ll only stand a 50/50 chance for a successful pregnancy anyway. Knowing that there’s a high risk that this might happen again, I just don’t know what to do. DH feels similarly broken but also is determined for us not to give up yet.

im so sorry for your loss. X

I'm sorry for your loss OP and it's completely normal to be devastated, even if you were initially relaxed about TTC. It's estimated that 1 in 5 pregnancies result in miscarriage and you're more likely to suffer one as you get older, so for any couple trying to create a family a miscarriage or two (or more) are not unusual - it's just that most people still don't talk about it.

As for what you do - I'll tell you what I did. I had the ERPC and gave myself a month to mourn and for my period to return and then we started trying again. I got pregnant again three months later and that one stuck. I was late 30s at the time. If you want a family, don't mourn for too long. Shit happens, unfortunately, but IME the best thing to do is to just get back to trying as soon as you can

I was a bit younger than you and had the same thing.

I went on to have three successful pregnancies, very close together and very soon after the miscarriage.

Don't give up.

Sorry for your loss.

So sorry op. Look after yourself. 💐💐💐

So sorry 💐

With our first baby we caught on our first cycle of trying, and the same for our second pregnancy too. Sadly I miscarried the second pregnancy at just over 8 weeks and I was devastated.

My husband wanted to try again straight away but emotionally I just didn’t feel ready or even know if I could put myself through it again.

In the end I had two months off whilst I came to term with what had happened and then we decided to start trying again. This time round though it took 11 months of trying until I conceived again which I found really really hard considering both previous pregnancies had occurred on Round 1 of trying.

I was 33/34 at this point.

My advice to you is that due to your age I would get straight back to it because you don’t know what challenges you may come up against.

I’m so sorry for your loss. When you are right in the thick of it with hormones crashing, the actual miscarriage to get through and just starting to come to terms with it is not a good time to make a decision about the future. Give yourself time to recover then reassess.

@Cinai I'm so sorry for your loss, and I can empathise with that feeling of being relaxed about conceiving and then totally crushed by a miscarriage - I've had a very similar feeling myself recently, so you are not alone in that. I agree with the PP who suggested giving yourself a bit of time - even if it's just a few weeks while your hormones settle down and you recover physically, you'll be able to think more clearly about what you want to do. For me, even though I was relaxed about whether it happened or not, the miscarriage made me realise that trying to start a family was the right choice for me and that I wanted to try again - but it's totally understandable that you're questioning whether you want to take the risk of another miscarriage. Be gentle with yourself and don't put yourself under a lot of pressure to decide right now.

I'm with you. I miscarried for the 2nd time rhis year and I will soon turn 43. And I will have to have a d&c, which doesn't help for future healthy pregnancies. I am also feeling numb, I am not sure how I will resume work, being fine around people. Sometimes I read forums about successful pregnancies in 40s, it proves it is possible.
Take your time to feel better about yourself, try to look after yourself and keep in mind that you were/are able to conceive, you have it in you. I wish every strength 🍀

I didn't know d&c's affected future pregnancies.

I had two (once when 16 and once when I was 34). Went on to have three successful pregnancies after that.

I hope you all get the outcomes you want.

I am sorry for your loss. When you are past the initial shock you may find you have a very clear sense of the right path.