Due date month sadness

[SnookyPook]

Morning all...

So, due date month is here. I had a MMC in April at 11+5 - baby had stopped developing at 7+5. Was booked for surgery but miscarried naturally starting the day of the scan. It was like it was a wake-up call to my body somehow.

Since then I've been on that roller-coaster of grief that I guess many of you on this forum know all too well. And for the most part, I'm really proud of myself for how I've done. I allowed myself time to grieve and process it and I've had lots of support. But, I feel like this due date month has been looming over me. It's been like a ticker-tape constantly running with how pregnant I'd be if I hadn't lost it. Last month I actually had a CP and weirdly, I feel like that has barely registered. It just kind of merged with the earlier loss. Although it is poignant as, I guess like many, I had really hoped to be pregnant again by my due date and now it looks unlikely.

Not quite sure what the point of this is other than maybe seeking a bit of solidarity. I feel like lots of people around me are a bit surprised now if I bring up the loss or if I have a sad day. A friend asked me the other day 'why do you think it's still affecting you so much?' - she genuinely didn't mean it nastily but it just made me panic for a second in case I'm abnormal in still feeling this way?! I know I'm not... I know there will be some women who probably put it behind them and don't look back but I'm sure there are many many like me.. so I guess I just wanted to share where I'm at in a forum where others have sadly been through this loss.

I hope everyone else is as ok as can be. Anyone else who was due this month and is finding it hard? Anyone who is further on from there loss and has any encouraging words about this easing off more once that massive milestone has passed? Anyone now cradling a rainbow baby and able to offer words of hope?

Love to you all 💕

So sorry for your loss. I had a MMC in May this year, we found out at the 13 week scan that the baby had stopped developing at 10 weeks. The 3 months after were extremely painful emotionally. We ended up conceiving again after 3 months and though we were obviously happy, I have been consumed by anxiety constantly worrying it will happen again. Our due date would have been November and I know it will be hard for me again when that approaches (whether I am still pregnant or not). Even when I see my friends with their children or a heavily pregnant woman on the street, it really hurts inside. I hope it will get easier with time and I try to tell myself that hopefully it will work out this time but we are now at the same point in when the baby stopped developing last time and it is hard. Wishing you all the best.

Hi again @SnookyPook - good on you for posting this and giving your thoughts and feelings some air time. What you’ve expressed seems totally to be expected to me. What stood out was your friend’s comment, “why do you think it's still affecting you so much?” As much as this came from loving concern about you, I want to speak back to the assumptions in the comment. This seems to me to rather miss the point of what MC is. It’s not an event in the past that stays in the past and that you move further away from. Or, at least, it’s not just that. Instead, it creates a gaping hole that you then carry with you. The baby that should have been here with you isn’t. That’s a sad reality for today, not something that happened 6 months ago. And it’s not like any other bereavement, where the shock and pain of the loss is balanced over time with the memories you have of that person. The loss is precisely that you didn’t get to make any memories of that person, you didn’t get to know them, and you wanted to.

My due month would have been Nov so I’m just behind you. No wisdom therefore on passing that milestone. I don’t know yet whether/how getting pregnant again/having a rainbow baby will change the experience of MC loss... I can imagine in future the gaping hole MC created might feel less prominent, but I don’t know. I do think that until the longing for another baby is realised the gaping hole will probably feel pretty tangible - and I’d say your friend should feel honoured that you’re able and willing to share that sadness with her. It’s such a tender thing. Keep doing what you’re doing. Sending love x

@Oxalis00 thank you so much. What a beautiful post. Your thoughts on miscarriage grief are spot on. You've described it perfectly. Thank you again. 💕 And, as spoken about on other threads, sorry for your loss also. ❤️

@KatieJ345 so sorry for your loss. Congratulations on conceiving again. I can imagine that raises a while new load of worries and thoughts etc. I hope all progresses well for you and that you get to hold your little rainbow baby in your arms next year. ❤️

Hi @SnookyPook it's BuzzieBo here, we've spoken before on other threads but I deleted my Mumsnet account because I needed a break, but I'm back.

I completely get the due date sadness. My due month was September so here for solidarity. I found it difficult but tried to use it as some sort of closure.

I'm still not pregnant nearly 7 months after my miscarriage and also still struggle with thoughts about the MC - you are not abnormal to still feeI this way too! I very much think of my life in terms of 'before the miscarriage' and 'after the miscarriage'. I think it's something we will never forget. But it's not all doom and gloom, I'm making progress in the right direction however long that takes, and I'm sure you are too. You say you are proud of yourself, and you should be!

Totally get that the feeling that other people think I should be moved on by now - not in a nasty way. I feel like I still want to talk about it to process it, but my friends and OH have nothing left they can say - they are out of reassuring words! 😂

Wishing you all the best!

@BusiBo ah hi! Hope your break did you good. Hugs for you for having got through your due date month. Yes, on the whole I think I've made great progress and am definitely proud of how resilient I've been, but there are deffo occasions when it suddenly feels raw all over again - often linked to hormones etc I think and where I'm up to with current TTC efforts...! Hope you're doing ok. Will you be back on any of the old threads or still trying to keep it low-key for a bit? Xx

Hi @SnookyPook

I am right there with you! Would be due date is tomorrow (MMC March) and last night got another BFN. I feel like each month that goes by is a waste of time because I’m still not pregnant.

I’m hoping that after the due date milestone I can try and move further past it? But honestly I think it’s unlikely. At Christmas I will be thinking of the baby that should be here. On the anniversary day of my scan next year I will think about him/her. Each year on October 6th I will think about the birthday that I should be celebrating.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s ok to have feelings still and I’m not going to beat myself up about it or hide that I still get upset.

Wishing you all the luck in the world TTC and praying that you get your miracle soon 🌈🕊️

@vjb39 so sorry for your loss and sending you an extra big hug on your 'would have been' due date. I hope you find some appropriate way to pass the day and honour your little bean. I resonate so much with what you've said about Christmas and birthdays etc. Wishing you lots of luck for your Rainbow Baby too 💕🌈 xx

@SnookyPook think I'll just keep it low key for now. At times the talk on here can be so helpful and I need the solidarity, but can be a little overwhelming at times also. Especially the TWW or TTC threads.

Totally get my emotions being dominated by where I am in my cycle - I'm due on in about a week so I know this is when I can struggle. Although remembering it's just my hormones going crazy can help a little.

I'm a little worried about approaching Christmas, forced fun and happiness can be so hard when your just not feeling it. I had pictured my tiny baby surrounded by my family at Christmas so many times.

Really hope your getting on OK!

@BusiBo yeah I get that. The tww threads can get a bit intense! Nice to have you here though, like you say, the solidarity can be helpful.

Yes, Christmas will be very poignant this year. I'd also had visions of tiny one in a silly Christmas outfit and just being a part of everything... it's hard but we'll all get through 💕

12DPO - negative test- AF due tomorrow so looks like I'm out again this month.
I feel so angry! That's 7 months since my mc and nothing, it's so unfair 💔

Sorry you’re going through this OP. I had a missed miscarriage last March found at 11 weeks but had stopped growing at 7+5 (the day or day after we’d seen a heartbeat on a scan) I’d conceived naturally after a CP the month before, following my first IVF. The due date was incredibly hard. My partner gave me a pair of sapphire earrings (September birthstone) which were flower shaped but looked like little embryos, which was a lovely thought and really meant a lot to me. None of my family recognised/remembered the due date.

I did have my rainbow baby this year and that made the due date much less painful. Maybe that and the fact that I have a feeling my rainbow baby is the soul of the baby I lost that has finally made it earthside. I know that will sound crazy to most.

Anyway, I’m sending you love because I know what a dark and lonely place you’re in. I don’t know if you know that it’s Baby Loss Awareness Week and the Wave of Light is Sunday? I’ll be lighting a candle at 7pm for the ones we lost, maybe you could do the same?

@BusiBo sending a big hug. 💕

@LabradorMama what a wonderful thoughtful gesture by your partner ❤️ And that doesn't sound crazy. My Sister felt the same thing with her daughter who was born after loss. Depending on your personal beliefs about souls etc I think there's every chance they would want to make their way back to us again 💕 Yes, I did know about this week and will be joining in with the wave of light (if I remember at the time!) - it's a lovely idea isn't it.

I actually had a BFP on Weds... Feeling very cautious about it as not even passed the milestone of the CP testing yet so barely daring to hope... 🤞🏻🙏🌈

Oh how lovely, gentle congratulations to you! There is a fb group called The Worst Girl Gang Ever - Pregnancy After Loss which I found really helpful, you’re in a scary place right now. I remember it well, what a rollercoaster! Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best xx

@SnookyPook that's good news - tentative congratulations!

I'm now 3 days late but had a negative test this morning. So many ups and downs.on this TTC journey. Just want AF to arrive so we can get back to trying.

Ah thanks ladies... Pretty sure this is another early loss. I'd be delighted with these tests if I'd got them a week ago but I should be 5weeks on Tuesday so it's not looking great. I'm pretty sure I know when I ovulated as used opks and got a clear peak. My first positive was also almost a week ago. I just hope it doesn't all drag on too long. I'm really struggling at this point. This has been such a crappy year. MMC in April and then two early losses one after the other and right on my original due date month. I'm feeling really despondent right now. Sorry to be a complete downer on a Monday morning. Hope everyone else is ok. Looks like I'll be back to TTC again very soon. Although not sure I can take much more right now. 😞

@BusiBo oh that's so frustrating. Hope AF shows up soon for you so you can start a fresh cycle of hope!

@SnookyPook oh I'm so sad to hear your struggling. I'm not one to give advice on what might or might not be going on medically but just to say I really feel for what your going through! The ups and downs, the anger and upset.

One thing I've learnt is to allow myself time to feel sad, angry and then keep as busy as possible...I'm currently painting the spare room, purely as distraction. I don't know if your into almost obsessive Googling like me, but it's so unhelpful, so keeping busy helps.

Really wishing you the best and sending a virtual hug!

All is not lost, a positive is a positive. Are they getting lighter? Can you get some FRER and test at the same time every 48 hours for comparison?