Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

How to support friend advice please

13 replies

Sweetlily99 · 30/09/2023 20:47

Hi, my dear friend has had a MC and severe haemorrhage, emergency surgery at 12 weeks. It was her first pregnancy.

I have no idea how she must feel. I can only guess.. Devastated, traumatised... heartbroken ...

I have had a MC but I had one child and I now have 3 so very conscious I am not best placed to understand fully.

She knows I'm here for her and I know I can't make anything better for her and change what happened.

Just wonder what the best approach is here.

Currently she is medically recovering and needs space which I'm honoring but wonder what else I can do...

OP posts:

PinkRoses1245 · 30/09/2023 20:52

Let her know you are there for her to speak/message/come round - but when she is ready. And do not push it. And appreciate she may not want to. I recently had MC and I couldn’t talk to anyone for over a week after. Even then, I only wanted to talk to my one friend who recently had 2 losses.
I couldn’t bring myself to talk to my friend who has 2 kids. I needed to talk to someone who had had the same experience recently.
But maybe send flowers or some treats like biscuits.

AnnieApple123 · 30/09/2023 20:56

It’s really thoughtful of you to ask here.

My baby was stillborn after a difficult pregnancy. What I appreciated most was a friend who frequently just sent ❤️❤️❤️❤️s and ‘Thinking of you xxx’ messages. I never felt any pressure to reply if I wasn’t feeling up to it.

Mumstheword93 · 30/09/2023 21:04

First and most importantly, do not burden her with your experience of MC, this is hers and is not to be invalidated.

Your only role is to listen, you listen without giving unwanted advice of what she should and shouldn't do, how she should feel, or how she should remember her child ect....I'm not saying you would but some people would.

You only role is to sit quietly and listen, be ready when she's ready to talk, hold her as her world is falling to pieces and let her know you aren't going anyway.

Your role is to cradle her until she's strong enough face the days ahead without stumbling.

Your a good friend for asking for advice and thinking of her xx

Original poster

Sweetlily99 · 30/09/2023 21:10

Firstly to both pinkroses1245 and annieapple123 so so sorry for your losses. No words. I wish you both the very best.

Thank you both for your advice as so very conscious in this situation I very much "have it all" which can only be deeply painful.

Pinkroses - I did think I wasn't the person she would want to see / talk to which is 100% understandable. My youngest is 6 so at least when I do see her my chat isn't baby based. I was thinking about some nice gifts. The "this works deep sleep spray" or food based.

Annie apple - again thank you I have been sending messages on text and not WA so no pressure and blue ticks just checking in / hugs etc and stating I don't expect a reply.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetlily99 · 30/09/2023 21:15

Mumstheword93

Thank you for the advice. I will 100% do the listening and fully take your words on board.

although I am hoping she seeks professional support and her partner too as it must have been v traumatic with the emergency surgery.

Oh no my MC was not at all comparable. I had a child and I now have 3 so it's not a deep pain for me so I would never speak of it to her. She knows I've had one but that's where the comparison ends.

Thanks and so sorry for your loss. Xx

OP posts:

AnnieApple123 · 30/09/2023 21:26

Re: professional support. I can highly recommend the charity Petals who specialise in baby loss at all stages.

Original poster

Sweetlily99 · 30/09/2023 21:33

Thank you for the petals recommendation.

So so gutted for her. here I was telling her about all the pregnancy clothes I'd reccomend. Seems so stupid now. That was my forte the other side the pregnancy vomiting tips the birth info no one tells you.... I'm so sad for her.

oh man her life if permanently altered by this. I wonder if she will get through the fear and trauma and I can do nothing to help.

So unfair for you all.

I promise you all I will only listen.

Best wishes to all going through this. Xxx

OP posts:

AnnieApple123 · 30/09/2023 21:38

I can tell you 4.5 months on that it does get easier. xx

Original poster

Sweetlily99 · 30/09/2023 21:45

Annieapple123 glad to hear you are feeling that way.

Clearly I don't know you but as a mother, what you went through is beyond painful.

Wish you all the love ❤️ on your healing journey.

And for a very happy ending whatever that looks like for you personally.

Thank you for taking the time to reply

OP posts:

CluelessInLondon · 01/10/2023 10:01

@Sweetlily99 It's lovely that you are thinking about how you can support your friend and that you are feeling the pain of her loss - that's a sign of a wonderful friendship. I agree with everyone who has said that it's just about making sure she knows you are thinking about her and you are there when she needs you. I'm sure a gesture of flowers or similar would also lift her spirits and remind her that you're keeping her in your thoughts - since I had my MC in September I've had flowers, chocolates and a big box of cookies from friends/family, I didn't "need" anyone to send anything but it was nice to know people were thinking of us.

You may also want to check out the Miscarriage Association website - they have a section with advice on ways to support a loved one who is experiencing a miscarriage.

AnnieApple123 · 01/10/2023 10:49

You sound like a very supportive friend. Your wording here is very sensitive.

Bali200 · 01/10/2023 12:03

You sound like a wonderful friend, I had a MMC in august and have really noticed the difference in how my two best friend’s have reacted. One sent me text check-ups every couple of days such as ‘thinking of you ❤️’ without expectation of replies, and some beautiful flowers, she couldn’t have been more amazing, whilst the other said ‘I’m here if you need me’ and then didn’t text for me 3 weeks afterwards 😪

I definitely suggest not using the phrase ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’, this doesn’t make us feel any better and I’ve heard this from my family.

All we need is somebody to listen us and say ‘I’m so sorry you’re going through this’.

Continue to give her space but maybe in a few weeks organise something nice for you to do together that she can look forward to, like an afternoon tea/spa day/tickets to see a show?

moosey89 · 01/10/2023 17:48

@Sweetlily99 thank you for asking what she needs, you sound like a really good friend.

All you can really do is say you're so sorry for her loss and what she's gone through and that you're there for her. Make sure she knows she can ask you for help, but don't push her as it's hard to know how much alone time she might want.

One of my favourite things from friends after both my miscarriages was hearing them say things like "it's shit and there's no two ways about it. I'm so sorry you're hurting" and asking me if I wanted to do things.

Honestly it takes time. My first miscarriage was 4 years ago, my second 2 months ago. I have no kids and it's really hard, but honestly seeing pregnant people for me is way worse than seeing friends kids. X

Flip