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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

feeling like a fraud - early miscarriage

43 replies

babblington · 03/03/2008 18:29

hi all -
just had a really early miscarriage, maybe 6 weeks at the most. I was on holiday, it would have been a much wanted 3rd baby. DH and I have pretty much always concieved first time, we've been so lucky, never expected this. I don't really feel like I can be properly sad because it was so early. we'd just done the test before we left on holiday and then it was all over. I rang my dr in the uk and he said 'oh it's just a late period' despite having had a positive result, and I'm sure he said it to make me feel better, but it doesn't. And I feel like a fraud because my friend (and thousands of other people) just had a 11 week miscarriage and was completely traumatised, and this seems so trivial in comparison, but i'd just got my head around it and now it's gone. sorry - long, boring.

OP posts:

hertsnessex · 03/03/2008 18:31

same thing happened to me third time round. always conceived first time (even though i have endo and pcos) and thrid time i got told at around 9wks there wasnt a heartbeat. took another cpl of weeks to loss it though.

you have a right to feel upset, it was your 3rd child, your baby, no-ones grief is 'worse' than anyone elses. let yourself grieve, you will always remember this one, but hopefully there will be more.

xxx

Oblomov · 03/03/2008 18:50

I understand, doesn't matter how early or late your loss was. In November we found out that I was pg on the mon, and within the week, I was scanned and mmc confirmed. We never even had time to get used to the idea. But it still is a loss. Don't feel like a fraud or think you are not within your rights to feelas you do, becasue you are.

belgo · 03/03/2008 18:53

I really dislike the phrase 'just like a late period' being used to describe a miscarriage. It's the loss of a pregnancy, and the loss of what would have become a much loved baby. Nothing like a 'late period' - emotionally it is so much more then that.

babblinton - you have every right to feel upset and to grieve for what you have lost.

MaryAnnSingleton · 03/03/2008 19:09

babblington - you aren't a fraud, a miscarriage is a miscarriage - am very sorry xxx

oliviaelanasmum · 03/03/2008 19:15

I have had 2 early m/c, and i was told not to worry about it and treat it like a late period too!
To me and dp they will always be our babies even though they wasn't with us for very long. Please dont feel like a fraud

constancereader · 03/03/2008 19:20

You have to right to grieve for your baby. Please don't feel like a fraud. I am so sorryXX

Original poster

babblington · 03/03/2008 20:17

Thank you all very much for your kind words. And you are right. Even if it never was a baby as such, it was still a..well, a hope, or a dream or a something (without wishing to sound to pretentious!)
Belgo - exactly. My doctor is an arse.
Thank you.

OP posts:

toratora · 03/03/2008 20:24

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am in a very similar position, I miscarried last Monday. It would have been our 3rd and I was 8 weeks. The first two pregnancies were so so straightforward and easy, I think that I was a bit blase this time round so it was a total shock when it happened.

You must give yourself as much time as you need, the nurse at the hospital said that some women take a long time to get over a MC and some walk away from a scan or d &c with the attitude of putting it all behind them. I just feel numb and almost as if I dreamt the events of last week.

You are most definitely not a fraud, a miscarriage is a loss at whatever stage it happens.

xxxx

Original poster

babblington · 03/03/2008 21:39

toratora - I'm so sorry. I know what you mean about being blase. it does feel like a dream. How can you be pregnant one minute and then not the next? And the mental preparation to spend the next 7 or so months pregnant, not least the bringing a new person into the world, and then it's all just...gone. I can't reallly tell anyone in RL without sounding overly dramatic. Ah, I hope you feel better soon.
xxxx

OP posts:

Flum · 03/03/2008 21:44

Lots of people have told me that the medical profession don't really consider a pregnancy fixed until the second period is missed as the embryo is so umm easily lost in the early days. My mum said they wouldn't take you seriously as pregnant until you had missed your second period in the 1970s s o it does follow. I think with early tests that tell you from first day of period we do know very early and FEEL pregnant so still just as sad for us. I think you will always grieve however far along you are if you knew you were pregnant at all. Its tough because in your mind its a baby instantly isn't it. Never mind give the little on a secret name and get on with grieving, no one else even has to know about it do they.

aliwally · 03/03/2008 22:11

I totally understand why you felt the loss - I've lost 5 in total... 2 at 6 weeks, the others at 8, 9 and 12 weeks. They all signified real hope to me and my partner. They were real, they just didn't survive long. He and I made something together, and I loved them all. You are NOT a fraud. Your doctor is, however, an arse. There are too many of them around in the medical profession... heartless and cold. Go with whatever feels natural. No-one can tell you what it "should" be. It's your mind, your body and your loss. Take your time.... x

Kindersurpise · 03/03/2008 22:17

Adding my voice to the other posters. Do not feel like a fraud, you have the right to grieve.

A miscarriage is not just the loss of a pregnancy, it is the abrupt ending of the hopes and dreams that you had already had for your unborn child. The amount of time that you carried the child is not important, the love and hope that you carried is.

I had 2 m/c, at 8 weeks and at 11 weeks. Tbh, the first one was much more traumatic due to the poor healthcare that I received.

Shame on your doctor for adding to your pain.

Habbibu · 03/03/2008 22:19

Losing a baby, at whatever stage it happens, is awful and sad. You have a right to grieve, and I think in the long run it helps to accept the feelings you have, whatever they are, and let them run their course. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Original poster

babblington · 03/03/2008 22:51

thank you all again. you are all making me feel so much more in control about the way i am feeling. I guess the best thing is to be positive and try try again.

OP posts:

Catzy · 04/03/2008 16:44

Same thing is happening to me at the moment. I tested positive on Sunday, thought it would be nice to find out on Mothers day. Next day I started bleeding. I have to wait until thursday and do another test as is possible to bleed in early pregnancy but i'm fairly sure it's happening.

I feel so sad and I can't help thinking if it hadn't been mothers day I might have waited a couple more days before testing and wouldn't have known anything about it.

Sending you hugs x x

majormoo · 04/03/2008 19:58

Babblington I have had a similar thing. Was expecting my third child as well. Last Monday I had two positive tests; then by the Saturday had a tiny bleed and a negative test. My GP also said 'treat it like a period' and in fact I don't think he really believed me that I had had a postive test. He said it was impossible to have a positive test one day and a week later have a negative. Hum.
As others have said-it is the loss of the dreams you had for the baby and all your plans for it.

Habbibu · 04/03/2008 19:59

So sorry, Catzy...

inabitofastate · 05/03/2008 09:47

Just wanted to add my sympathy and say that I too am going through the same thing. Got +ive pg test last week, it was totally un planned and a real shock, spent last week getting my head round it and became totally excited! Then did another test and line was v faint, then started bleeding on Mothers day . Feeling so sad now and utterly unable to think of anything else. This would have been our 4th and I am now thinking I would like us to ttc again even though not in our plans at all... anyhow, sorry for long hijack, just wanted you to feel you are not alone.

buckles · 05/03/2008 17:58

I had a 6 week MC last week- sorry that the treatment you recieved was not up to par. i had a scan and had sympathetic treatment (hopsital and at work).
was my first MC and first pregnancy. I have taken time to grieve and I don't htink that it matters when you miscarry your feelings should always be taken seriously. late period or not you had a positive test and hence deserve a bit of sympathy.
I am sorry that you are having a bad time. It's rotten.
x

kazbeth · 16/03/2008 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

woollyjo · 20/10/2008 13:51

Joining in with the chorus of sympathy here. I mc'd at 9.5 and 6 weeks both this year, the 6 week one was way harder emotionally to cope with and I still can't explain why. A wanted pregnancy lost is always a loss at whatever stage.

I hope you feel better soon

mabel1973 · 20/10/2008 14:03

really sorry to hear what's happened to you, I had a similar thing happen to me in january, except i didn't know I was pg, until i went to the doctors about what I thought was a very long heavy period, so I was told in the same sentence, looks like you were pregnant but you're not now.
I was totally shocked.
Two weeks later my SIL miscarried and had to go into hospital have scans etc, and I just felt like what was happening to her was so much more real than what had happened to me and I felt almost as if I had no right to be upset when she seemed to be going through so much more. I totally understand how you feel, but most people on the outside will not view it like that, so you you shouldn't feel like you've no right to be upset.
it would have been my third as well.
If it's any consolation I am now 36 weeks pg and my SIL is also pg again and due in december X

kingfix · 20/10/2008 19:29

I'll add my voice to what the others have said, and I'm so sorry to hear so many go through the same thing. I do think that people say things like 'it was a late period' in an attempt to make us feel better, but of course it doesn't.

HeadFairy · 20/10/2008 19:34

I've just noticed this thread is quite old, what happened babblington? did you get pg again? I've just miscarried at 6 weeks. Everyone keeps telling me that lots of people get pg straight after a miscarriage, just hoping it was true in your case.

BananaSkin · 20/10/2008 20:11

I had a missed miscarriage when ttc our third too. It doesn't matter at what stage it happens, it is still a loss. We had started to imagine three children, to think about names, to plan the practicalities and think of a new baby.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

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