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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Heartbroken - how to accept the future

2 replies

Lexaline · 30/07/2023 20:55

Hi there,

Wondering if anyone has any advice about how to move forward/can relate.

I have just had a 4th miscarriage (3rd one was in March, 2nd in 2020 and 1st in 2016). I am very lucky, I have two daughters (5 and almost 2). I desperately wanted a third, I would have preferred that we already had one in between our existing kids but of course you can’t give birth to a 3 year old! So we thought we’d try for another baby and have had two miscarriages in the last 5 months.

I don’t know how to survive the emotional pain. I know I’m so lucky to have what I have. But it is not able to override the immense sadness about what I’ve lost. If we were to try again, I’d likely be 37 when it was born (and my husband 41) and although I know that’s not so crazy these days, it just isn’t what I wanted. This is no judgement to anyone who has had babies at this age, it’s just not what I wanted for our family. My parents are pretty young and I love that they are only just entering their 60s at this point.

Does anyone have any experience with deciding not to try again and ending the childbearing years on a loss? It feels so painful to think that it’s over and that we won’t have another baby. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t really know anyone who has gone through loss, certainly not multiple losses. All my friends have babies when they decide to have babies. I have booked some therapy sessions so I’m hoping they will help, but in the meantime, reaching out to others who may have some comforting words.

OP posts:
HPFA · 30/07/2023 22:06

My cousin's wife lost a third pregnancy (ectopic) and my sister-in-law miscarried a third baby at about five months. Neither had more children after the loss.

I don't know much about my cousin's wife but my sister-in-law and her children held a goodbye ceremony for the baby organised at the local church. My eldest niece apparently used to talk a lot about the baby for years as in "Matilda (not actual name) would have loved this wouldn't she?" when the family was doing an activity. So the baby remained a presence in family life even though not there.

This happened a good few years ago - my sister-in-law now has five grandchildren - I'm sure the pain is still there but she has "moved on" enough for it not to stop her finding joy in her children and grandchildren.

I'm so sorry for your losses - I don't think I have any helpful words beyond the terrible old cliches of "time heals" etc. But let yourself feel what you feel - don't listen to anyone who says "just focus on your existing children" - that will just add unnecessary guilt into the mix. Eventually your pain over this loss and your joy in your living children will learn to co-exist.

Lexaline · 30/07/2023 22:15

@HPFA thank you so much ❤️

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