Not sure what to expect from friends and family

[Username0807]

I've just lost my first pregnancy a week ago. It was very much a wanted pregnancy and my husband and I had been trying for a few months. I was 10 weeks when I went to A&E with bleeding, and after an ultrasound they thought it might have been a missed miscarriage.

The physical symtoms have eased down and bleeding nearly stopped. The heartache hasn't and this past week has been without a doubt the worst week of my life.

As it was our first pregnancy and we'd been trying for a few months, we were very excited about it and ended up telling a few people before the 12 week scan. We didn't make a big announcement, but there were a couple of events I had to go to where I would have raised suspicion if I didn't join in the usual way, and as those friends knew we were trying anyway, we decided to just let them know. We've also told a few members of our family a bit before the 12 week scan because we weren't sure when we'd be able to see them next with our work scheduled and the distance between us. We weren't thinking about the worst outcome anyway, by that point I'd had no signs to tell me anything was wrong.

We told everyone who knew that I had a miscarriage not long after it happened, mostly because we both wanted to get those difficult conversations out of the way sooner rather than later and let ourselves start healing. Circumstances made it so that other close members of the family found out (not anything we're mad about, we were going to tell them ourselves anyway just because everyone was expecting us to have a baby and people had been asking about updates, and we wanted to avoid any questions the next time we saw them that might re-open wounds).

However, I feel like the support has been a bit mixed. Some of the friends and family who were told are closer to my husband (they don't have anything against me and we get along, but they were initially his friends and family), and while they've expressed their sympathies to him, they haven't acknowledged me in any way. A couple of my closest friends have checked in on me, which I'm grateful for, and I'm not saying I was expecting this whole shower of affection and sympathy, but not even an acknowledgment in any way? I try to put myself in people's shoes and think what I would if someone close-ish went through this, I don't think I would have blanked them out completely and now that I've been through it myself, I definitely would check in, not necessarily to talk about it and stir up their feelings again, but just a little reminder that I'm still thinking about them.

I feel like I'm treated like a broken woman now, like somehow people are afraid this will rub on them too if they talk to me, and in a way I almost feel like I'm being silently punished for not waiting the traditional 12 weeks to tell anyone. I feel very guilty and I'm definitely not going to repeat the mistake of telling anyone for as long as humanly possible next time.

We lost a baby at 16 weeks in April and I felt as though people were trying to avoid me and when they did see me it was as though nothing happened, as though I was never pregnant. It’s really hard to deal with as the person going through it as it’s pretty much all I wanted to talk about because if I didn’t it felt as though we were forgetting our baby by not acknowledging a truly awful event.

Of course you will tell people when you’re pregnant, you’re overjoyed! Don’t beat yourself up for telling people before 12 weeks, imagine if you didn’t tell them you were pregnant and had no one to talk to? Or you decided to tell them you were pregnant but now you’re not because you need to talk about it with someone. I don’t understand how people can wait until 12 weeks to tell people - no matter the outcome you need support.

Your emotions are likely all over because of all the hormones and the grief that goes with it. You were pregnant and you’ve lost something you desperately wanted you will be heart broken and it’s hard when people don’t acknowledge that. Before my miscarriage, if I found out someone had a miscarriage I would think - how sad, that must be awful but at least they fell pregnant and this just wasn’t meant to be. After a miscarriage you feel totally different and I could slap myself for thinking those things and not understanding how traumatic it is, people don’t understand and want to avoid an awkward conversation.. Those people care but they don’t understand what it’s like to go through so they likely think they’re done nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself, let yourself feel angry, sad and upset at the situation it’s warranted. If you want some further support I find ‘the worst girl gang ever’ podcast, it’s nice to hear we aren’t alone in this awful club!

Wishing you all the luck in the future 🤍

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you mean about feeling weirdly judged. People really don't know what to say to someone who has had a miscarriage, or how to deal with it. So lots of people try to move on or pretend it didn't happen. In my own case, I tried to counter it by sometimes being very open about what had happened, or bring up something relevant in conversation with a phrase like 'after my miscarriage...', something like that. That might feel impossible to do at the moment, but later down the line, you'll be able to speak in that way. I think it's good to acknowledge to people what happened, and it doesn't need to be awkward.

Don't read into the actions of others too much. If they are 'punishing' you for knowing before 12 weeks then they are complete arseholes. You are allowed to tell people when you want, and the idea that we have to wait is totally because people are weird and uncomfortable around the loss of babies, and the grief and sadness that comes with it. This time, I told more people I was pregnant before 12 weeks, not less! Only my closest friends, but still, it was absolutely necessary. It helps you feel less alone, and also, god forbid if something happens to a pregnancy of theirs in the future, you can be there for them. The community that comes through our experiences of pregnancy as well as miscarriage is a very precious thing.

Sending you lots of healing. The weeks after can feel rough, but you will feel better soon, I promise.

two weeks ago I lost my first baby almost same time and circumstances as you but I found out at scan missed miscarriage 💔 I have found some people ignore it completely which really hurts me I feel that I want them to know what I’ve been through becuase it’s not a blip it was your baby! Your first baby and your earth has been shattered however my sisters and people that I know who have had previous miscarriages have been amazing to speak to these are people who care and understand, don’t focus on those who don’t seem to care they may simply not want to upset you by bringing it up or they may feel unable to cope with the emotions of it (you don’t know what they have been through themselves) take each day and hour at a time and let yourself heal sending love and know that you are not alone, I’ve found Instagram tik tok and YouTube helpful to hear about people who have also had loss like this may be comforting it has been for me

i am very sorry for your loss.
What generally happens is that a lot of people will ignore your Mc and others will say stupid insensitive shit.
Try not to take any of it to heart, mostly it’s just because they don’t know how to handle it.
If you are lucky you may find a person or 2 (usually because they have had a Mc themselves) who do neither of the above and are actually supportive and helpful. There are a lot of lovely ladies on here who will be
It may help to do something to commemorate your baby - there is a tree planted for mine in a Forrest in Yorkshire and every Xmas I donate to a children’s hospice for a candle to be lit.

@Hampstead16 I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely understand what you mean by not wanting to act like you forgot about your baby. This will always be my first child who was never born.

I feel the 12 week rule can be very misleading, I even asked the midwife if there's a 'right' time to announce it and she said just whenever you're ready.

I know exactly what you mean about how your perception of miscarriage changes once you've experienced it yourself. I have to admit I wasn't aware of just how common it was before this, and I did think that maybe some of the women I expected to reach out to me but didn't, might have gone through it themselves without me knowing. And actually a few weeks ago I heard about a miscarriage that an acquaintance had, not someone I ever talk to, and I had the same thought - 'how sad' - but it didn't occur to me to reach out and actually express my sympathies in any way. I'll try to be more supportive myself of anyone who goes through this.

Thank you so much for your message, all the best to you too for the future!

I'm so sorry for your loss - I went through a similar MC in March.

I found my best friend to be absolutely useless to be honest - I told her about my miscarriage over WhatsApp and she only replied with a heart emoji. She didn't really check in on me and one time she was at my house, I became upset and she promptly went home! At first I was angry, really angry. But then I realised that she had no idea what to do or say! She's in a completely different stage of her life and has no idea what going through a miscarriage is like...how could I expect her to know what to say or do. It has impacted how I feel about her, but I don't think she knows that.

I ended up talking to another friend, who I wasn't as close with, who I knew also had a miscarriage and she was so supportive and helpful.

You did nothing wrong in telling people, it's your pregnancy and your choice.

@AnotherStory23 I'm so sorry for your loss and thank you so much for your message. You're right, I feel it's so important to talk about it because I never realised how common it is. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I immediately started taking all the precautions to avoid harming the baby - googled everything before I ate it to make sure it was safe, only bought pasteurised dairy, stopped having baths and only showers, etc, I really felt I was doing everything right and as much as I kept reading about pregnancy, I stayed away from the dreaded 'm-word' because I thought there's no reason that would happen to me. And I didn't even know that I could happen out of your control, regardless of how much care you took.

Thank you again and I wish you all the best as well for the future!

@Susie94 Thank you so much for your message and I'm so sorry for your loss. It really helps just talking to someone about it and in a way it's reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one who's experienced this 'ghosting' by others. I guess I find it awkward because at some point I'm going to have to see these people again, or we'll have to talk about something and I don't know if they're going to acknowledge it then in any way, or if I even want them to really. Even after this anger goes away, I feel like if they weren't there during the bad times, that I might not want to share the joy of a new pregnancy and God willing a baby with them in the future. But like others have said, I am trying to put myself in their shoes and give them the benefit of the doubt, and ask myself what I would have done for them if the roles had been reversed. I've learnt a lot from this experienced, that's for sure.

All of the best wishes for you! I feel unqualified right now to cheer anyone up because this is still very raw for me too but I do trust that it will be ok, now I know of quite a few women who have children and have had miscarriages in the past.

@Hoppinggreen Thank you so much for your message, and thank you for that lovely idea! Me and my husband have talked about planting a little tree in our garden, one in a pot that we could take with us if we moved, but I fear it might turn into a painful daily reminder, and also that I might become obsessively caring of it and might be another heartbreak if it were to die or be destroyed in a storm or anything like that. But planting a tree in a forest and donating to charity are such great ideas.

All the best wishes for you for the future!

@BuzzieBo I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry about your best friend's reaction to your situation. Me and my best friend are also at different stages in our lives about wanting kids, and to be honest I was initially nervous about telling her about the pregnancy at all, but thankfully she was happy for me so that made it easier to tell her about the miscarriage. This past week since it happened she actually has been one of two people (excluding my husband) who has texted me just to chat about random stuff, which I really, really appreciated because that's exactly what I wanted after the initial sympathies have been expressed - just to be treated like I'm the same person and I'm still a friend that people can talk to.

I'm glad you've been able to find comfort from another friend, this seems to be something that brings people who've experienced it closer. All the best wishes to you for the future!

Definitely do not beat yourself up for telling early. I told early to our parents and few friends, similar to you I knew they’d guess during a few events like going to a festival and not drinking. Had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I did feel a bit awkward telling but i felt better for them knowing, and not having to hide it. And telling or not doesn’t make any difference to what happens. When friends have had miscarriages before I’d had mine, I felt awkward to know what to say or do, I didn’t want to keep asking them how they were. Therefore I have zero expectation or judgement for how others treat me now, as I’ve been there. Really try and focus on your own experience and recovery.