How do I cope?

[Ttcmumma]

In January this year I lost my sweet angel baby at 14 weeks... I had unknowingly carried my sweet baby for 3 with no heartbeat. Thinking this pregnancy is taking its toll on me! Oh I'd do it 100x over to have you here with me.

Took me 7 months to fall pregnant with my little darling, only to lose the baby far too soon. Not even know the gender, who they would have been. My first born, 5 year old, still misses his baby sibling. Asks if he'll ever have a brother or sister. I've been TTC since but nothing.

At first, I was convinced I wouldn't make it through the pain of losing my baby... And then I got abit better, I could survive with the pain in my heart atleast. But now... I'm 10 days away from my angel babies due date. My son was born 12 days early, so I could easily have been holding his little sibling by now. It's hitting hard, I don't know what to do, who to turn to... I don't know how to cope with the due date approaching. I'm not even pregnant again, may never be. Will never know what could have been, will never know who they little bean was...

How do you all cope? How do you go on with this much pain...

I'm so sorry for your loss. 14 weeks! That's so much time to begin to imagine your life with your baby and develop that deep bond.

I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks in March. I'm still not pregnant again. The dates and milestones I'm missing are hard to manage - I understand how your feeling.

I let myself be sad when I feel it. Give myself time, space and remind myself what I've been through....I'm allowed to feel this way.

But when I can, I also try and enjoy all the things I currently have in my life, be grateful, focus on what makes me happy and tell myself that the day will come when I'm pregnant again! For me thats spending time with my friends, going to the gym and planning a holiday with my bf....whatever you need to give yourself focus and self care.

@Ttcmumma Hey! probably not really helpful but I lost my baby girl in April at 19 weeks. The worst thing I have ever been through in my life.

Having to tell my DD that her little sister would not get to come home was heartbreaking.

Getting through the last few months has been hard. My due date isnt too far off but I would have been having a c section so know she would have came sooner! Its so hard and whilst im sorry I cant make you feel better if you ever need anyone to talk too, drop me a message.

I am too TTC again, fingers crossed it happens! Xx

I also lost our little girl in April at 16 weeks, it was so hard.. I can totally relate to how you’re feeling. You will never get over it but you will learn to live with it, it’s so weird as you picture their full. I am so so sorry for your loss. I am currently 5 weeks pregnant and utterly terrified.. it’s all very bitter sweet. My thoughts are with you xx

I’m so sorry for you- for all of you. I just lost my baby at 11w+4, the day after I had told my 4 year old daughter that she was going to be a big sister. She was so excited, it’s all she’s ever wanted. I will never forget the look on her face when I told her the baby had died. I’m at an age where the chances of another pregnancy are slim, and I’m unlikely to provide her with the little brother or sister she so wishes for (and I wish for). I just had her remains cremated yesterday and her due date is still six months away, but I am already dreading the emptiness and sadness I will be going through at that time. I don’t know if this helps, but I plan to take a holiday around that time, to force me to enjoy life as much as is possible at that time, feel the sun on my face, appreciate the things I wouldn’t be able to do if I was sick, pregnant, or caring for a newborn. I don’t even know if my own plan will work, but know that you are not alone. We can get through this. It helps to remind myself at least of what I do have and not what I have lost. I find that I have to remind myself the glass is half full, not half empty, because sometimes life is just too hard. Wishing you strength and love

@Lemonvalley it’s so hard telling your child their sibling has died. I found I didn’t want to tell my son but the bereavement midwife said it was best to tell him, so hard they just don’t understand ☹️ my thoughts are with you. I don’t think anyone can comprehend how hard a miscarriage is until you experience one first hand xx

Thank you all so much for your replies, I am reading and they are helping I'm just in a dark place at the moment and find it hard to respond.

I'm so sorry for your losses, honestly my biggest regret is telling my son. I told him as a Christmas present and he was so happy. I'll never forget the scream cry he did for 20 minutes after I told him the baby had died. At the scan when they told me, my first response was 'fuck, my son is going to be broken' I literally couldn't even digest the information until I knew my son was feeling better. He still can't see a scan photo of any baby without getting upset and telling me he misses his baby sibling.

My second biggest regret is choosing to miscarry at home... I mean it started without the pills and the pills finished it off but I could have opted to go into hospital from as soon as I found out there was no longer a heartbeat.... But I wanted to be home with my son. I didn't realise the baby had come out and I flushed the baby away. No testing, no answers, no remains. Literally flushed my baby away in the toilet like a monster.

You are not a monster and you were poorly informed, if you’d have realised what you had to endure your decision may have been different. The lack of information we are given is atrocious, that must have been very traumatic for you and I’m sorry you had to go through that!xx

Well said @Hampstead16
I have been honestly appalled at the inadequate overall care but also the lack of information I have received since my miscarriage. I honestly think the doctors don’t even know half the time what they are talking about. I don’t think the ones I saw had either a) had a miscarriage or b) know of the actual gory details. I have seen threads where poor women who are in the midst of a miscarriage are posting pictures on forums of tissue they have passed and asking other women what has just come out of them. How can it be that in the year 2023 when you can find (almost) everything on the internet, a woman can’t find detailed enough information to know what the miscarriage process actually feels like and what might happen. Knowledge is power and if we know, we can be better prepared.
I am so sorry @Ttcmumma as I understand how the lack of answers/a conclusion perpetuates our torture. Even though I clearly passed a visible placenta and baby, I was told that they don’t do testing on either in this country (Australia) unless you have had three miscarriages in A ROW! Not three total, but three in a row! How can that be that we don’t even have the option to even pay for private testing. I think women are just expected to get on with it, and to accept our loss. But how much harder is it to accept our loss when we don’t have the closure and the answers we need. I came home from the hospital crying my eyes out, not just for myself but for other women out there who have had to endure one, two, three miscarriages. The ones who don’t have one child to come home to and snuggle after discovering you have just lost your second. I agree that the pain of seeing our children’s pain when they discover their little sibling won’t be born is the most painful part of all of this. I have tried to tell myself that maybe there was a reason my daughter was supposed to know- that maybe feeling that joy, as short lived as it was, was meant to be a part of our life. @Ttcmumma have you thought about ways to honour your little one such as a little memorial? You can still name him/her, it can even be a nickname, or the season they were due. I hope this helps and doesn’t hurt. I am happy I named my lost little girl and I am going to make a memorial box for her, with her ultrasound pictures, a knitted cardigan I already had for her, positive pregnancy test, and tiny teddy my daughter and I got to remember her by. I’ve also read that you can write them a letter. You can rip it up or burn it, you could bury it under a tree, or put it in the box. You and your son could plant a tree that flowers so you can continue to remember him/her. I know that none of these things have taken away my pain but they have helped me process the loss. I am still feeling fragile and tomorrow I have to turn up at my daughters dance class where three of her little friends each have baby sisters. She had asked me if she could bring her baby sister to dance class to show her friends…. Life is so cruel sometimes. We will carry this pain for a long time but some things help a little, like knowing we aren’t alone. I hope you know you are not alone and some of us know just how you feel. Love xxx

I have just posted a link to a video I found on a miscarriage support website. It’s about what we have all gone through. It is super sad but in watching it I felt less alone, because I knew that if someone had understood enough to make this video the way they had, then I knew there were people out there who truly got it, and who had been through what I had. I hope it helps anyone who needs it, to feel less alone.

I didn't realise the baby had come out and I flushed the baby away. No testing, no answers, no remains.

The same has happened to many women. Someone once wrote here that your lost baby will end up in the sea under the stars. I liked that.

On the due date, I think it’s nice to buy a plant that’s in bloom, and then hopefully it will bloom around the same time every year.

@Lemonvalley I am from the UK and fortunately from a late miscarriage here you are offered testing on the baby and placenta, we opted for placenta testing, we were also told we could have a communal funeral or we had to arrange our own - in a way it was nice to put our baby to rest and the hospital I delivered in gave me her hand and foot prints as well as a memory box along with a teddy from aching arms where you can donate a bear and a future bereaved family will receive a bear with your child’s name on so we know we aren’t alone.

I had no idea what to expect from a late miscarriage and if I had been prepared I feel it would have perhaps been less traumatic. Follow the worst girl gang ever they do podcasts with peoples stories I found it really helpful!xx

Thanks for the suggestion @Hampstead16
That was wonderful that the hospital arranged hand and footprints for you. And it’s good you could do testing. So many of us can’t, for various reasons.
A lady told me last week that when she miscarried in hospital (Australia ) the hospital just took the baby’s remains away and she never saw them again and she didn’t think to ask at the time for obvious reasons- shock etc. It sounds like things are better in the UK in terms of treatment and support, but there are still so many things that can go wrong for women and I feel like the miscarriage process is somewhat taboo, because why else would it be so hard to find detailed information. Women should be assigned some type of chaplain or doula to go through this process with them, someone who can think of everything for them and someone they can call when they aren’t sure what is happening to them. So much is missed in the medical system.
I’m sorry OP of what you’ve gone through passing the baby at home like I did (and for all women who have gone through the pain of miscarriage and having heartbroken older siblings. Maybe you were meant to be at home with your older child, as you were. Sometimes I feel we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t,.. Let’s try and find ways to honour our babies memories and support one another. Our hearts will be forever changed but in time our grief will lessen, even if it never goes away entirely. xxx