Missed miscarriage - going through medical management but husbands leaving for a trip

[Cindle1597]

Yesterday myself and my husband were excited to go to our 12 week scan to receive the shock that baby had no heartbeat and I had experienced a missed miscarriage. I was 12 weeks but told baby had passed at around 10 weeks. I was devasted and totally broke down. Husband was there for me and I for him. I came home and cried the whole day drank a bottle of wine and passed out on the sofa. Ive been in a bad way since and cant shake how I feel. Husband has had moments of upset but is due to go on holiday wih his friends tomorrow for a week. The holiday revolves around a sporting activity and he has been really looking forward to it.

Today i went to the hospital and decided to follow the medical management route rather than surgery so took the tablets at 1pm today. I was hoping that the tablets would have started to work before my husband leaves tomorrow morning but so far nothings occurred apart from period like pain but no heavy bleeding as such. Im now worried that I will have to go through more medical treatment or surgical if the medication doesnt work but will be alone - most of my family are abroad right now including my best friend so i have limited support network right now. My 15 year old daughter is at home with me. I have told my husband to still go on the holiday because in all honesty im sick of hearing about the trip. Its been all ive heard about for months and has really created a bit of a wedge between us. Although ive told him to still go i cant help but feel like if the tables were turned there would be no way id leave him in such a bad way.

Im at breaking point and I just feel like this is going to break our marriage too.

Am I being unfair for telling him to go when deep down I want him home as I need the support?

You need to tell him what you really want. Don’t get mad at him for doing what you’ve told him to do.
Im so sorry 💐

My sympathies on your miscarriage but I think you should just let him go. His being around isn't going to diminish how bad you are feeling. He's been looking forward to this, and you will need his support not just right now but further down the line as well. He may well feel better placed to be there for you.

I had two miscarriages when trying for our third DC, so I know what how devastated you must be feeling. I went the D&C route both times because once I knew there wasn't going to be a baby I just wanted whatever there was in there, gone. I appreciate not everyone feels the same.

I do recall, following the 2nd D&C, DH picked me up from the hospital and then had to go to work. I was home alone, making dinner for my 5 and 3 year olds. It was surreal. You can always talk to friends and family; they don't have to be there - mine weren't.

I actually found more 'comfort' on miscarriage pages on online forums. It was more helpful to 'talk' to women who knew what I was going through than people who didn't, and in all fairness, DH wasn't a lot of support anyway because while he was obviously grieving with me, it wasn't his body that it happened to.

Take care xx

I appreciate your responses and they confirm how im feeling is just a reflection of worry and confusion inside me. Im a pretty strong person so I know I will be fine alone its just a scary time for me right now and selfishly I want him home.

My husband deserves this break he works hard and does so much for us everyday.

Thankyou

Hi OP,

This happened to me a matter of days ago. We have no family support for our younger DC so I had to deliver the baby alone in hospital while DH stayed at home to look after them.

The midwives were amazing when I explained the situation. Please tell them everything.

Wishing you strength during this horrible time, message me if you like

So sorry for your loss
I would say have a good think about what you want and then be honest with him

If you need him with you, tell him. But also consider the time just for you alone may be healing, and time for him to be with friends may be too

I found out very similar timing to you - at 12 week scan

Was due to go on a work trip 4 days later - and I went. (USA for 5 days, so not a small trip!) It was massively helpful to take my mind off it

Nothing happened and I booked in for a D&C. Went away with family for a few days before that happened

Then had a big family birthday a few days after - where I got completely hammered

There is no wrong or right answer. Sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow

@Cindle1597 I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there. You say you’ve taken the tablets - in my experience there was one orally then some pessaries 48 hours later. It’s only after the pessaries that things will usually get going. Did the hospital talk you through this? Does your daughter know what’s going on? And is she capable of taking responsibility if needed? Not to scare you, but I lost so much blood I fainted. I was glad to have adults around. Other than that I could have done it without my husband, but I wouldn’t have wanted to. In fact he had to cancel a work trip to be home with me (an easier decision than a leisure trip, in some ways) and although I felt a bit bad asking for that, and in practical terms I could have managed had he gone, for the sake of our marriage I’m really glad I asked him to put me first and he did. You do need to tell your husband what you’re really thinking and feeling, though. As women our experiences of this are worlds away from theirs. Sending strength xx

Thankyou for your response. Im sorry you had to go through this too. The hospital havent been that helpful, they advised me to take 4 mistroprosal orally which i did. I explained today that I had some brown discharge with odour too and they just said to call my gp for antibiotics. Called the GP who said that my smell might be wrong cause of the pregnancy hormones so not to worry until I have a temperature or feel unwell. The hospital also said to wait another 24 hours and then if nothings happened I need to go get more tablets.

My husband left at 5am this morning. Im feeling pretty angry, confused and worried. I think ive always been the kind of person to deal with things alone so its probably better this way. I know i can rely on myself to be strong. My daughter knows what happened on Monday but I dont think she understands or recognises whats happening right now. I think she just thinks im moping around upset (shes a teenager) so I doubt I will get much support from her to be honest. Ive only been signed off work for this week but dont know how I will face work on Monday if things havent moved.

Thankyou for your advice it helps x

@Cindle1597 i am so sorry for your loss, i suffered a MMC back in December, i took the medication and was advised that i needed someone at home with me, if it was my husband i know he wouldn't even have considered going ahead, especially be on holiday for a full week while you are suffering. my husband took time off work to be with me, I ended up needing a D&C and he took time off to look after me through it all. a miscarriage isn't something to be taken lightly. I personally would have been honest and told him i needed him, that's what a marriage is, having someone there when you need them, putting the other person first when it is necessary, this is one of those times. This is a life event and a holiday with friends isn't important in comparison.

I see your husband has already left, so not much can be done now in regards him, however you really do need to tell an adult and have someone there with you or at least available to keep an eye on you, i don't want to scare you but things can happen and you may need help

I hope things go smoothly for you, i am really very sorry for what you are experiencing, the emotional trauma is worse than the physical in my experience. Your husband will be coming back to a different person i suspect, i know the miscarriage changed me as a person and the aftermath was far worse than when i was going through it, so he will be there for that at least and will hopefully be the support you need

Hi @Cindle1597 how are you doing today? Any change as a result of the tablets? If not, you might want to talk to the hospital about using them vaginally, or perhaps consider a surgical approach instead. We’re here if you want to talk things through.

I found miscarriages, especially my missed miscarriage such a lovely time because no one felt as I felt. If was sad for my DH but in a totally different way to me and consumed my every thought while he coped by putting it out of his mind and concentrating on the rest of his life. I really feel for you. I would personally say let him go but at the same time be as kind to yourself as you can be through this. You’re totally the best person to know what you need right now.

@Oxalis00 thankyou for checking in. It is really appreciated.

Today ive been to the hospital as Im so emotionally drained I dont think I can take another round of the medication waiting for something to happen so I have opted for surgical procedure. They luckily have scheduled me in for tomorrow which gives me some relief that after tomorrow I can start to mend and heal both physically and mentally.

In terms of my husband I began to get a very short fuse with him via text and calls so I have asked for him to continue with the trip but with limited contact to me as I feel it is causing more me more resentment. I have asked that we can deal with our feelings together when he returns.

Today I had my mum and sister come round after the hospital, we sat in the garden as it was sunny and made dinner together. It really helped me. I felt at ease and actually did a few jobs rather than sit on bed crying all day.

Your support on here as helped so much and I really appreciate everyones opinions.

Thankyou.

@LacewingOrpington

Thankyou I think youre right.

This experience has changed me so much within this short period. I realise who is there for me and who isnt. People deal with things so differently and I have the right to feel what im feeling.

Im sorry you experienced this too x

@38andtrying

Thankyou for your message.

I really appreciate your view and can relate to this as I am actually quite angry that my husband went still. I should have been honest with him however I can be a bit of a people pleaser which can be my downfall especially on this occasion. As you say this isnt something to take lightly and I have actually been really scared about the complications that the hospital warn you about.

I cant help but feel so disappointed. I fell in love with my husband as I have always wanted a best friend, team mate, and someone I can 100% rely on and love. Until now he has been all of these things but this has really made me question our relationship. I dont know how I feel about things now, i know I cant rely on him anymore. The day the nurse told us there wasnt a heartbeat he said 'I will be there every step of the way' but he hasnt.

I honestly dont know how things will be when he returns but I have had to put that to the back of my mind for now. X

You can’t put all the blame on your husband that isn’t fair. Did you physically say to him I need you to stay and support me or did you wave him off. He’s still the same person you married. I think you need therapy after this for your grief. It isn’t anyone’s fault but you need better communication.

I had to deal with 2 mmcs on my own over a decade ago. DH was working overseas . Part of me still resents the fact that I was just left to get on with it. I was even more let down by my older sister though who told me she couldn’t come over and keep me company as she’d arranged to go shopping with her daughter . I’ll never forget that. All the very best to you op. Take care of yourself .

Sorry just seen my message has a typo. Should say lonely time.

Well done for keeping putting one foot forward. All the best with the surgical management.

Good to hear from you @Cindle1597 but I’m sorry you’re right in the middle of things at the moment. It’s so hard. Surgery sounds like a good decision. It’s great you got to see your mum and sister today. Will you have any support tomorrow, before and after?

I understand how you’re feeling towards your husband, and perhaps some frustration at yourself in terms of not being able to say what you really wanted/needed. It doesn’t need to mean doom for your marriage though - hopefully this can be the start of some more honest and vulnerable communication between you. I do think it’s hard for men/anyone who hasn’t had the embodied experience of miscarriage to understand exactly how physical and scary as well as emotionally rough it can be. Maybe while he’s away you could try writing down some of your feelings over this week so you can share some of it with him when he’s back - not to punish him for his absence but to invite him in.

Good luck tomorrow. Sadly they do this all the time - you’re in good hands.

Op I don't think he should have gone regardless of you saying go.

Being with you every step of the way is not checking in with a text.

I don't think her husband intentionally did this to annoy her, but he obviously valued this boys trip over supporting his wife at one of the most vulnerable times in her life, men are dumb asses and if women say its ok sometimes they stupidly believe them.

I think when he comes come defo speak to him, tell him there's no way he should have went, you were not in any position to be logical and he should have been stepping up to help you and take control where needed. I do think he deserves some blame here, he isn't a child, I hate how men are infantalised like they're stupid. He should have had the cop on to stay at home and support his wife, it's literally job and what he vowed to do when they got married.

Life isn't always pretty and shit things happen at inconvenient times, the gods laugh at our mortal plans

I think OP have a good conversation with him when he returns, don't let it fester, you need to be a team now. No doubt he will step up to the occasion and be there for you as you emotionally recover x