Since I started TTC 4years ago I have had 5 miscarriages with the last one resulting in a MMC in April. After nothing happening for a year and a half I started IVF in January 2020 took all the medication and was about to go for egg retrieval and it got cancelled due to covid but amazingly it must have started something in my body as I fell pregnant twice spontaneously twice in 2020 august and November both ending at 5/6 weeks. Fast forward for 2021 and we got pregnant twice through IVF and lost both pregnancies we have had all the tests and it’s nothing obvious that’s stopping us getting pregnant so it seems to just be me holding onto it! 2022 my partner for diagnosed with skin cancer so we decided to keep trying but just put a hold on it if it happened it happened but went on holiday and enjoyed ourselves for a year no pressure while he went for operations. We were about to book our last IVF cycle and found out I was pregnant on the 1st of March this year we we’re so excited but cautious because it never seems to go right for us as you can see above 💔I phoned the doctor and asked for a referral to get an early scan because of all my miscarriages and while waiting on that appointment I started to bleed it was brown and I had read that was ok as long as it’s not red but for me it wasn’t and ended up in A&E to be told my HCG was looking good and my estimate of 7 weeks sounded right and put me on progesterone pessaries to help with the bleed they scanned me in triage but the scanner was not clear but the doctor said she thinks she seen a flicker of a heartbeat and that the bleed was nothing to worry about so I believed them when they said It should be ok so it comes my early appointment which I should have been 8 weeks and they done an internal and asked was I sure of the dates as I was only measuring 6 weeks with no fetal pole but said this can be normal I then need to wait another two weeks for a second scan and I went back and because there was a change of only a fetal pole they wouldn’t call it but still measured 6 weeks at that point I should have been 10 weeks which at this point I’m realising something is very wrong and just want them to tell me it’s over with because I’m starting to lose my mind I had to wait another week while still having to go to work pretending I’m ok and I new my baby had stopped growing 😢 it comes the week I have to go back and there is no change and I’m taken to a small room to be given options of how I would like to miscarry I was heartbroken but very angry and was adamant I wasn’t leaving until they agreed to test this one because I can’t keep going through this I would rather know if I can or can’t have a child to draw a line under it so they told me to come in the Friday took a tablet them Monday for the rest and nothing happened so they kept me in and left me two days still nothing after 11 tablets in total and ended up with surgery to remove the only good thing about that is they got everything to test. I have just turned 39 and I just didn’t want to celebrate it at all I feel like such a failure and my poor partner has been amazing he’s been so strong for me and even though he said it’s ok I know it’s not he is really hurting too sadly This time we really convinced ourselves it was different and this was it for us! Getting pregnant for me isn’t easy maybe taking a year or two after a loss as you can see so when it happens and ends I never know if it will ever happen again and time is running out now!
I’m not sure the reason for this post but I just feel like nothing is going right at all 💔😢