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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

sinking in?

10 replies

nervousal · 19/02/2008 10:43

I had my second mc in January. At the time there was lots going on in my life, buying a new house. very busy in work, mum living with us etc etc. I didn't take much time off work (only 1 and half days!) and tried to just get on with things and hold it all together. Well - I can't hold it together any more. The last 2 nights I've cried myself to sleep and am terrified of getting preg and having another mc (AF due about now I think). I feel guilty for not grieving more at the time. How can I get over this when everyone thinks I already am?

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millie865 · 19/02/2008 12:22

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Your post really struck a cord with me. I had a second m/c in January and after the first week or so felt I was doing OK an dholding things together. But last night I just collapsed. Cried for hours. Woke up this morning and cried some more. Like you I'm frightened of another m/c. I'm frightened I won't get pregnant again at all. I'm frightened that I will spend another year dominated by ttc and then m/c, and then another year...

Sorry that doesn't help much does it? I suppose there are two things I am trying to remind myself of - first that I am still grieving and that is completely natural. I still cry for my dad sometimes and he died over twenty years ago. And second that sometimes you just have to keep going until things get better. This is a stage we have to live through.

I had a long chat with a very good friend which really helped. Is there anyone you can talk to?

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BeMyLilBaby · 19/02/2008 12:24

didnt want to leave you unanwered, I also soffered MC had D&C to remove leftovers, didnt really greave, i am currently starting to TTC, and i expect the fears you are feeling will hit me soon. Try not to be frightened, remember there was nothing you could do, as the fear and stress will only keep AF at bay, Do you want to be pg again? i think the key is to take all the time you feel you need, cry if you need to, but dont do it alone, chances are your DP or DH is hurting too.

((((hugs)))) to you x

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nervousal · 19/02/2008 12:35

I don't know if I want to be preg again. DP definitely wants another DC. I guess everyone just expects that I'll be TTC again quickly - when I don't know if I even want another child enough to risk going through another mc.

Only people who knew about last mc were my Mum, DP, DPs mum and my boss - none of whom I can talk to about this. My Mum had a series of MCs and it hurts her too much to talk about it, DPs Mum is the practical one who is assuming we're trying again, DP is wonderful, but has never been the most communicative, and my boss -well she's my boss - so no - I guess I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Anyway - brave face on again, got a riveting legal meeting to go to.

Millie - hugs to you too pet

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Teuch · 19/02/2008 12:38

I completely sympathise with you - and you will find many others on here as well.

I was quite thrown by my 'delayed' reaction to mmc...it took be totally by surprise over an otherwise very fun weekend. Maybe that was it - the thought that life moved on.

Dh found it hard too, as he really thought we were moving on. TTC was scary, but I was given lovely advice about taking each day and not being reluctant to enjoy being pregnant or be excited. It is very true - you are not less upset or disappointed just because you don't enjoy it!!

Speak to your partner and a close friend or family if you can.

My biggest fear for TTC was whether I was ready to go through it again and I wanted to put it off initially. But I knew that the feeling would always be there...

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Teuch · 19/02/2008 12:40

x-posts...well, just speak to us then! There are lots of people here who can give you support.

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BeMyLilBaby · 19/02/2008 12:41

waves manically at teuch!
nervousal, perhaps you could confide in a friend or sibling?

if it makes you feel better i am only just considering ttc agail and my Mc was nearly a year ago now, its perfectly natural to be reluctant x

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millie865 · 19/02/2008 13:36

It might help to talk to some more people about it. I know everyone feels differently about this and understand that for some people it's really not something they want to share but I've reached the conclusion that we (as a society) need to be more open about miscarriage and the fact that it happens. I don't know about other people on here but it really struck me the first time how many people I know were living with the pain of miscarriage and I never even realised.

So now I tell people. I tell people when I am explaining why I was off for a week in the same way as I would tell them that I had broken my leg. Obviously its not the same thing at all and if I'm honest I don't really tell everybody, certainly not in that way, but I don't feel the need to keep it a secret.

I think greater openness in the real world can help in the same way as coming on here helps - just knowing that other people have got through this and come out the other end gives hope.

xx

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scotlass · 19/02/2008 20:30

Nervousal I think there was something in the air yesterday, I too had a second mc in January and hadn't cried since that week but spent about 2hrs last night sobbing my heart out. After my first one in July 2007 I didn't take time off (I started bleeding 3 days into a 2 week holiday) this time I was signed off work for 4 weeks then thought best get on with normal life but it's hard to keep that brave mask on all the time isn't it.

You shouldn't feel guilty for not grieving at the time - sometimes our heads shut things out until we have to accept them and being scared of it happening again is a totally natural feeling. Only you know what you feel able to cope with and if that's putting off ttc for a wee while or seeing what happens from now then that's the next step on this mad journey. Having been through mc twice the third pregnancy is always going to be scary but hopefully you'll get support either from the health professionals and/or on here.

Anyway just wanted to post and say you're not alone there are people who can totally understand what you're going through - sending you a big hug.

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lockets24 · 20/02/2008 13:06

we only found out we lost ours last week, and i am already dreading the thought of having to possibly go through this again..i know that is not the best way to think but how can you not?
i am struggling now with the guilt of not asking for the scan picture despite only being able to see the tiniest little thing i wish i had asked to keep a copy, but to be honest i will never forget in my head the picture.
dont blame yourself for trying to get on with your life and not taking to much time off work, grief can come at any time day or night..now or in years to come, its how you choose to deal with it now that matters.

my thoughts are with you

lockets
x

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squilly · 20/02/2008 20:42

I'm so sorry for all you MNers who've lost babies. It's horrid and I don't think anyone should have to go throug it. Particularly not when people dismiss it so much.

OP don't beat yourself up about not grieving at the time. I have a couple of mcs where I didn't 'grieve' particularly, but did what my husband calls pulled myself up by my bootstraps. That's fine, but the grief often finds an outlet later, at an inappropriate time, as you've found yourself.

I'd be tempted to take some time off work, if you can. You've had a major loss and you deserve some time to grieve.

I hope you feel better soon...and it's horrid to think this could happen again...but you will weigh it against what you want (ie how badly you want a child) and how you can face things. I took 2 years between each mis, so I ended up as quite an old mum, but I wanted to be ready before I tried again. And DD arrived 7 years ago...I'm SO glad I kept trying. Hope you get your baby soon too!
x