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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

How to be happy

12 replies

SatOnPluto · 27/04/2023 00:12

I had my loss at 18weeks over Xmas and was supported tremendously by my same age Niece/best friend.
She recently found out she is expecting. She was so excited. I was the first person she told, thats how close we are. She continued to showed me all the pregnancy tests and asked me a thousand pregnancy questions without a second thought. I wanted to die right then and there.

Am I being selfish for not being able to be around her at the moment?

I text her every other day to check in but I can’t bring myself to talk or see her.
My family think I’m being selfish because she supported me over Xmas with my loss so I should be there for her.

My due date was supposed to be next week the 8/5/23

I just feel selfish and abandoned because now my family won’t speak to me for not speaking to her.
Im absolutely on the floor.

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 27/04/2023 01:33

Hi @SatOnPluto sorry for your loss x
You are not being selfish.
Your niece / bf should be more considerate of your feelings.
Just take a step back and focus on yourself x

LuluTaylor · 27/04/2023 04:05

Your family are fuckers. Your baby meant what it meant to you. Maybe to them it wasn't really a baby so you should be over it by now because it's only a medical procedure. But you're not and it wasn't. They're insensitive to your feelings. Your niece doesn't need support she needs someone to celebrate with. It's understandable why it can't be you. She's your best friend so try to explain to her, write a letter if you can't meet. You can be happy for her and simultaneously unable to cope with the situation of her pregnancy whilst you're still grieving your recent loss 💐

LuluTaylor · 27/04/2023 04:08

Also turn to your other friends even if you're not as close, you may be surprised who's there for you. Phone bereavement helpline or something if you need to. Samaritans maybe or is there a charity specifically for your situation?

SnookyPook · 27/04/2023 08:55

😳😳😳

I actually can't believe your family's response!! I'm so so sorry for your loss, your ongoing grief and the upcoming due date anniversary which must be weighing on your mind so much.

You are not being selfish.

Repeat, you are NOT being selfish.

How you are feeling is completely understandable, natural and I think most of us on this forum would be feeling the exact same.

I agree with the poster above, maybe write a letter to your bf/niece explaining how delighted you are for her but how much it is stirring up difficult and sad emotions for you and that you need a break from the pregnancy talk. A true friend will absolutely understand and not hold a grudge.

Your emotions are valid. I really think the people around you need to gain a bit more empathy and compassion. Sending you lots of love xx

Original poster
SatOnPluto · 27/04/2023 20:54

Thank you all for the reassurance ❤️

OP posts:
Littlelighthouse · 28/04/2023 00:37

Not selfish at all! I lost my son at 33 weeks and it took me a long time to feel comfortable being around other babies, even other children. He was my first, and I think there was this fear of a friend's baby being thrust into my arms when the last baby I held was my son.
I have since had my rainbow baby (girl), and I'm now comfortable being around other babies again, though baby boys still bring a lump in my throat

BuzzieBo · 28/04/2023 22:52

You're not being selfish at all! I miscarried at 11 weeks and I'm really struggling to be around my best friend who is now 14 weeks pregnant. To tell you the truth...I can't even look at her. I felt awful for a long time, felt like I was being a rubbish friend but then I realised and accepted that I'm grieving!! And that's OK. I need time to process and heal. I think it's only something you would understand if you've been there xx

Original poster
SatOnPluto · 29/04/2023 00:45

@BuzzieBo
Thats exactly how I feel, I can’t even bare to call her. It’s just too raw.
Im sorry for your loss, sending a virtual hug 💐

OP posts:
Original poster
SatOnPluto · 29/04/2023 00:48

@Littlelighthouse you’re such an inspiration, thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope. ❤️

OP posts:
LtMoose · 29/04/2023 01:20

Firstly, I'm very sorry for your loss.

You are absolutely not being selfish, your family are. It's absolutely OK for you to step back from this, your niece is being completely insensitive, and to ask you pregnancy questions is shocking.

Your family say she supported you over Christmas with your loss. Well, your loss didn't end there, so she needs to continue supporting you by taking a step back right now. She can find other people to enjoy her news. It's OK for you to say that to her.

My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time, I lost my baby, she took a massive step back for which I am eternally grateful and just occasionally texting relevant updates. This is what a friend should do.

BananaBlue · 29/04/2023 04:32

You are grieving.

And not being selfish.

sorry for your loss

Hankthehonk · 02/05/2023 08:36

I'm so sorry for your loss, and you are not being selfish.
I'm confused about your niece/friend's behaviour - if she was right there with you when you went through your loss and supported you as well as you say, I can't comprehend that she hasn't been more sensitive towards you now.
A couple of my close friends had losses (before I did) and I was really anxious and careful telling them I was pregnant both times, and talking to them about it/seeing them. Since I then lost my second pregnancy they have been the ones who've been there for me most. I hope you can find other friends to confide in, you've done absolutely nothing wrong x

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