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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Partner refuses to try again after miscarriage

13 replies

mommynever · 23/04/2023 21:57

I lost our baby on Easter 4/9/2023, it was my first pregnancy after being told many years ago I wouldn't be able to conceive. It took over a decade, I currently 31, to accept that through intensive therapy. My partner and I when first meeting discussed the common interest of not wanting kids. I know there are many children to be adopted, but to me if it wasn't my own it wouldn't be the same. It was easier to not want what I couldn't have being a woman I never felt complete knowing I couldn't conceive. We met in December of 2022, I know not very long at all I found out I was pregnant the last week of march. I was terrified, but I didn't hide it from him, now I wish I had. He came around to my being pregnant went for first ultrasound on 4/4/23 seeing the heartbeat I felt there really is a higher power. That the reason I was deemed infertile, never getting pregnant before when I had tried was bc I wasn't with "the one" who I was meant too spend my life with. Not even a week after losing our baby he was discussing ways to prevent me ever getting pregnant again going as far as mentioning a vasectomy, again not even a week after while Im still bleeding. This broke me. I understand we are very early into our relationship, but I feel on top of losing our baby I am now losing the love of my life because we no longer want the same things. He went as far as telling me what his friends use with their S/O in my mind if you went that far to discuss such a personal matter and how to prevent he is steadfast in not wanting to be a father. I realize there is an age difference me 31 he turning 50 in a few days, I have always dated older it is just my preference I feel as though on top of everything I have to choose what matters more being a mom and finding someone who shares that or being with him. I would NEVER want to pressure, guilt trip, whatever you may call it him into trying for another baby bc I if in his position wouldn't want to feel pressured, given an ultimatum either. I just feel so alone.His insensitivity to the entirety of the situation makes me hurt in a way I can't describe, like throwing gasoline onto a fire. He even requested a BJ while I was still bleeding, trying to mourn and grieve this unmeasurable loss. it is actions like that that make me feel as though he is for lack of abetter word glad I miscarried and only cares about himself. I am so lost and alone, my mother and father being in poor health I couldn't bare letting them know I lost the one thing they always hoped for me, to become a mom as I am a rainbow baby, their miracle. I know in my heart if our views dont align it will never work my heart is broken.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 23/04/2023 22:00

I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to start at his age. You have a choice, stay with him and no child, or leave and hope for a child. I know which I’d choose.

pikkumyy77 · 23/04/2023 22:06

Cripes he requested a blow job while you were still miscarrying? I so can’t even that I have no evens left. I’d have offered to slam his bits in a car door a few times as my counteroffer. You should do the same before dumping him.

SugarNspices · 23/04/2023 22:07

Of course he has the choice wether he wants to be a father. But he is really being an insensitive dick about it. I can't believe he even asked you to give him a bj when you are still bleeding from a miscarriage! He's not the one for you op I'm sorry.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 23/04/2023 22:10

I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
He's very insensitive in the way he's been dealing with this. Men really can never understand the devastation and emptiness felt when you lose a wanted baby, even when it's early in the pregnancy, but this man takes the absolute cake.
You deserve so much better than him. Be strong. You can do this.

alexdgr8 · 23/04/2023 22:33

why would you want to stay with someone like that.
you can do so much better.
shake the dust from your feet.
onwards and upwards.

STARCATCHER22 · 23/04/2023 22:39

In his defence, you met in December 2022. That’s maximum 5 months ago. You’ve openly said that you didn’t want children. 3-4 months in, you’re pregnant. It must have been quiet a surprise to him that you were excited/wanted the baby.

He is allowed to not want to have children. At his age, I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to have them. He’ll be in his 60s with a teenager! He’s been an insensitive dick but he doesn’t have to want a baby.

STARCATCHER22 · 23/04/2023 22:41

Your thread title is also misleading. Partner implies a relationship of more than 5 months. “Refuses to try again” suggests that you were trying for a baby in the first place. He clearly doesn’t see it that way.

ArcticSkewer · 23/04/2023 22:46

He is 50. A vasectomy sounds sensible

MeganBistram · 24/04/2023 10:56

@mommynever regardless of whether your partner wanted a child or not you have been through an incredibly horrible experience and he should be there to support you. Especially at his age, there is no excuse!

Try and allow yourself the time to Grieve your loss before you make any other big life decisions. There will be someone out there for you who will match your life goals and support you through the tough times. xxx

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/04/2023 11:40

The good news is that you now know you’re not completely infertile and can pursue having a baby, possibly through IVF, either alone or with another partner who does want children. You’ve barely known this boyfriend five minutes. You’ll get over him as soon as you got into him.

He’s been insensitive but it must have come as a shock to him that he was going to be lumbered with a baby he never wanted at 50 with a woman who had said she didn’t want children either. He’s far too old for you, you’re in completely different life stages, and he doesn’t want to be in the one you want to be in.

Annfr · 24/04/2023 11:45

I'm so sorry that you are going through this but asking for a BJ while your still going through a miscarriage is unforgivable. On that basis alone, he can't be the one surely.

beAsensible1 · 24/04/2023 11:50

OP I am so sorry for your loss please know that you will heal with time and I hope therapy will help with that.

Your partner is very insensitive and quite frankly an idiot in asking for a BJ at a time like this. You do however point out that you both stated early on that children were something neither of you wanted and it doesn't seem you were 'trying' for. Of course he doesn't want to and is actively looking for birth control.

it is unfair to you and him to try and have a child together. I suggest once you are feeling up to it, to end the relationship and work on looking for a partner who wants children. Trying to force him into fatherhood won't work and why would you want to give your child a resentful parent.

I know it feels like it, but he wasn't the special person sent to get you pregnant and it wasn't your love that magicked away your infertility. It can happen again and it will be much better with someone who wants to build a family with you.

❤️💐

Tina8800 · 25/04/2023 13:09

He doesn't want a child. That's fine. But it doesn't mean he should not give you emotional support though this extreamly difficult time. Regardless of his own feelings, discussing ways to prevent further pregnancy and asking for bj while you still having a miscarriage is insane! I would never have a child with a person like that even if he would change his mind. Doesn't matter you met him 5 months or 5 years ago, the way how he is handleing this makes him a 20 years old boy and definitely not a 50 years old man.

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