grieving for your loss

[xpaisx]

my name is paisley and on the 11/02/08 iwent for my first scan with my fiance i was supposed to be 17 weeks but sadly we found that the baby had died at 9 weeks and 1 day. this would have been our first child we also found there could be a possilbilty that it was a partial molar pregnancy i had the surgery for it all to be removed on the 13/02/08. the doctors thought it was best rather than letting nature take its corse due how long it had already been in there.we are both devestated but now my partner has clammed up he just wants to forget about it like hes moved on already. i feel so alone and depressed i wanted nothing more than the baby and now my whole world has fallen apart i dont no what to do.

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry

I know from my own experience what a terrible shock this is for you both.

People react differently. It may be that your partner doesn't want to upset you more by showing his true feelings. Or maybe he just doesn't know what he is feeling. I know it is hard but sit down and talk with him. Tell him how you feel and that you need to support each other right now.

You both need time to recover from this.

It takes time but really you will start to feel better. You will never forget your precious little one.

Take care. xx

thank you so much its just an awful feeling. they let me have the scan pic so in a way thats helping cuz i feel i still have a part of it. xx

Sorry for your loss. I too have experienced the pain of miscarriage and it is a very emotional time. Yuo need to take time to grieve for the loss of your dreams.

It does get better - but you need time.

Take care
xx

Paisley sorry for your loss. I had a erpc at 10wks for my first pregnancy - spotting, went into A&E - erpc following day following scan.

I know what you're going throug - we'd been waiting 3 - 4 years before this, so were devastated. My dh was obviously very upset too - although he was less obvious about this, but he was also a great strength for me to rely on. He did not want to talk about it and did internalise things, which I think was his way of dealing with it - perhaps your ds is doing the same?

My first mc was a mp - the erpc wasn't carried out at my local hospital, and they didn't inform my local hospital
/doctor that things needed to be followed up so it was 3 months (of me going backwards and forwards to the doctor, not feelilng 'right') before I was diagnosed and anything could be done about it. I hope that you have no further issues and the erpc sorts it all out.

In the meantime, I hope that you and your finance can sort things out between yourselves - don't thing that just because he doesn't want to talk about it that it doesn't hurt him too. You're not alone. MN is great, and is a really good way of getting things off your chest, and there is usually someone around who has been in simimlar situations. You may find that you want to see if you can get any bereavement counselling or something. I might have tried to get something like this, but was initially trying to get so that I felt OK, then trying to get over mp treatment, so never got round to it. I will never entirely 'get over it', although ds has gone a long way to help. Fingers crossed that you will have such a happy outcome in the long-term.

Sorry to hear this

I had a m/c 8 years ago and will never forget the loss of this baby. (although gradually over time the pain has eased).

Give yourself time, as much as you need, to grieve. Hope you have good friends, family in rl to offer further support.

thank you all of you im also sorry to hear you have all been through similar situations i hope things have worked out for you all.my family are being very supported as they were also excited. i should receive the results of what happened in 3 weeks time.me and my fiance are thinking about trying again when we get them obviously depending on what it was xx

Keep in touch, and let us know what happens in 3 weeks. Hopefully no problems (or they would be contacting you earlier than that anyway)

Don't be too hard on yourself - and bear with your df as he is obviously trying to 'deal' with it in a different way from you.

thanks for your advise it is helping things but i just feel so depressed right now and i hate feeling like this . i have spoke to my partner and he understands me more it has helped so much i feel as though i can speak to him about it now so thanks for that. i will let you know what it was when i get the results just keeping my fingers crossedxx

(((hugs)))

Paisley so sorry you are feeling like this. Try and be kind to yourself - it is only 6 days after all, so you are probably feeling a lot of sadness and different emotions. Look after yourself as best you can; accept support and love from your family and dp. Try and rest and eat and drink properly even if you don't feel like it. You have had a terrible shock and loss and as others have said need time to go through this process.

Keep posting if you need to and if it helps. There will be people on here who understand a little of what you are going through.

It's good that you dp is seems to be more understanding as in your initial post you were finding it hard that he had "clammed up" and seemed to want to move on already.

xx

thanks for taking the time to post a message to me.things are getting easier now but obviously i am still thinking about the baby i have the scan picture of the baby so thats helping i feel like i still have a part of it.i havent heard anything from the hospital yet which is getting to me a bit. does any one know when its ok to start having sex again after the surgery? because at the hospital i wasnt given antibiotics to prevent infection so i am a bit worried. i dont know when it would be ok again and i cant face the doctors right now. thanks xx

hi everyone i recieved my results the other day and am sad to say it was a partial molar we were convinced it was a miscarriage so i am realy gutted i also found out that my best friend is pregnant and having an abortion this friday.i am feeling realy low my whol world is falling apart. i hope you are all well xx

Aw bless you honey
I don't know what a partial molar is, but is it something that could cuase probs in the future?
It took me about 6 months to feel normal after my m/c. OH got over it a lot quicker - and often didn't want to talk about it, but we got through it.
I also had a friend have an abortion soon after mine - she felt awful but what's right for her is not what's right for you, that's not your baby and don't take it out on her.
You can try again after 2 cycles and I know you will have your baby!

hi kat2907 thanks for your responce they think a partial molar is where two sperm go into one egg and doesnt split into twins so as you can imagine it has two much genetic information and then the placenta over grows the feotues and in my case part of the placenta acts like a cancer.im not aloud to start trying for another baby for about a year and have to have blood tests and urine samples every two weeks for six months after my hormones settle because it could become cancerous and spread.i am sorry to hear about your experience and hope all is well for you now.my partner is exactly the same but if i try to talk about it he gets angry i dont no if were going to make it through this i feel like im in it on my ownmy friend is doing well but regrets it a little all i can do is be here for her.thankyou if you ever need to talkxxxxx

Hi xpaisx, I am really sorry to hear that you lost your baby and that it was a molar pregnancy.

Try to take the time you need to recover physically and emotionally - it is perfectly normal to feel so alone and sad right now. I am glad your partner is starting to open up a little. I think it can be very difficult for our OH's...they are not dealing with the physical aspect of it at all. I know that my OH seemed to have dealt with our miscarriage really quickly.

It sounds like you are handling your friends pregnancy really well and it is great that you are being so supportive.

hi NotSoNewAnymore thankyou for taking time to read my post it means alot.im sorry to hear about your miscarriage. im am feeling ok at the mo but today is two months since i found out the baby had died.i just find myself realy missing it like it was a real person.and it just makes it harder the fact i cant start trying again for another year.i am pulling through. hope all is well if you need to talk xxx

Paisley-
I've had a mc, as have 2 of my close friends. My OH and theirs have all said the same thing. They were really sad when it happened, but mostly worried about us. Men's connections to the preg, especially early on, is mostly often not like ours. That's just a fact of biology. As much as a man wants the baby, they don't feel the same about it as we do, I don't think even until it is born. My OH 'got over' it really quickly, and I didn't, He got very upset at how upset I was, and he hates it when he can't make 'things better' for me, so I ended up dealing with it more by myself (but that's my style anyway)
I just remembered that he was as sad as I was at first but that because it was me who was preg I would feel different. He also didn't want to try again straight away which I found very hurtful - but it ended up being the right decision (because he was thinking with his head and me with my hormones)
It's gonna be hard but also remember that a lot of men emotionally shut off from grief and loss, due to the way society tells them to be, and don't deal with things by talking them over in the way we do.
Take heart, it will get better. xxxx