TFMR - do I hold my baby, name them, find out the sex?

[Hi1986]

I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has Down Syndrome. It has been truly heartbreaking and devastating and we have decided to have a TFMR. I’ve never cried so much but I know it is best for the baby and our family (we have 2 children aged 4years and 2 years old). I am terrified about the whole medical termination process, my previous 2 pregnancies were sections and I honestly do not know what to expect, is it like giving birth? I am also so sad and feel so guilty of thinking we are choosing to end the pregnancy and I don’t want to know the sex of the baby, hold or see the baby, or name them as I feel that will just make the pain unbearably agonising. However, I’m worried I might regret not doing this, I feel like is that disrespectful? I love this baby, and it is a very much wanted pregnancy so I think do I feel like this because of guilt that I am choosing to end this pregnancy and if my baby had just died I would want to name them, find out the sex, hold them etc? Has anyone been through this and can offer any advice please?

I haven't been on here but just wanted to offer you support. What an utterly heartbreaking decision to have to make.

Have you been offered counselling? Perhaps they could help you to unpick the decision on whether to name your baby and to hold them.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Firstly, I am so, so sorry that you are facing this horrendous choice op, it's not easy at all, but you're taking your whole families needs into account and being absolutely honest about it, and that's the absolute best you can do when facing two very difficult outcomes.

I haven't been through this exact situation, but two of my children have died.

My daughter was born with a condition so severe that, had I known about it, I would definitely had a TFMR, just because I love her so much, I wouldn't have wanted her to suffer. Had she lived, if I'm honest, I'm not sure how I would have coped, and it would severely have impacted the lives of my other dc. So I do understand as much as I possibly can.

You can ask at the hospital to meet your team before you go in, and discuss this with them. Tell them your wishes for the moment, but also allow yourself to change your mind when the time comes. There's no predicting what you will feel like, and you may even change your mind multiple times. They will be able to give you a good idea of what the whole birthing process will look like in your hospital, and for you specifically too.

There's no right or wrong way to do this, it's solely down to each individual, but remember that it's you that has to live through this, and live with the memories, so you are the most important person here.

If you do feel like you cannot see, or know anything, then there's always the option for the midwives to take photos, and write the sex down (most places offer a memory book or box) and then you can look at it if you ever choose to, whether it's in a week or 20 years or not all all.

Have the hospital offered you any counselling? If so it would be a very good idea to go and discuss this impartially with the counsellor too.

There are many places online for support, should you feel like you need it, as well. Please don't be afraid to reach out afterwards, I know many women in your situation don't because they feel guilt, which you absolutely shouldn't, you're making the right choices for you, and your family.

I hope the whole process is as gentle as it can possibly be on you op 💐

Hi, I was given a 1:2 chance of downs following my screening and unfortunately I never found out for sure as I had a MMC at 14 weeks.

I also said I would’ve TFMR if I was in the same position as you and I understand what the guilt feels like. But you said it yourself, your baby was wanted and it is loved so you should treat it as any other baby if you want to do so.

I know the pain will be agonising and everyone is different. I plan to name my baby, and hold it. But there is no shame if you feel you cannot do that.

You can tell that baby how loved it is regardless of if you choose to hold and name the baby, but you’re the mummy and you know best and you put your children first by making this very difficult decision.

your baby knows this wasn’t easy, it will know it was loved. All it ever knew was your love for its entire life.

if you feel you may come to regret that decision, you could always ask your nurse to take pictures for you in case you ever want to see your baby in future. You could write some notes for your baby and it is never too late you name your baby. Take things at your own pace.

as far as the medical management goes, I can’t tell you exactly how that will be as I am yet to have it but due to go in at 2pm today. Of course I’m a lower gestation so my experience will differ, but I am happy to share my experience with you after it is done if you would like.

im sending you lots of hugs and am hoping everything goes as well as it can and I am always here to talk xx

I can't imagine what you are going through. Someone very close to me had a similar situation and the hospital which cared for her provided a specially trained bereavement midwife to support her with the kinds of questions you're facing. My friend tells me this midwife made an incredibly difficult time a little easier. It would be worth seeing if your hospital offers something similar. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I haven't been where you are, but I think t they are quite flexible about it all. You don't have to decide now or even at the termination for many of those things. You can name them if when you feel comfortable doing so. You can ask for a photo in a sealed envelope of you don't feel like you want to look but worry about changing your mind. Talk to the nurses so you know what to expect.

It's okay to not want to do anything though. It's okay to see ending a pregnancy as different to a baby being still born. And I don't think possible regret is a reason to do something that isn't what you want /need right now.

So so sorry you are going through this. Whatever you decide to do after your termination is the right choice - there is no one size fits all in these situations.

@Hi1986 I was in your exact situation last Feb. Baby had DS, serious heart issues and a large cystic hygroma, she was very poorly. I had a TFMR at 18weeks. They will give you a tablet to take 2days before and then bring you in to give birth. I had a C-section for my first but it was definitely how I imagine giving birth full term would be. I had back contractions and labour pain for around 5hours before I gave birth. I spent a lot of that time in the bath to help sooth the pain. Take lots of snacks and drinks (although I was also being sick constantly which wasn't fun)
Does your hospital have a Brevement suite that you will deliver in?

I’m so sorry. What a terribly sad and terribly hard decision to have to have made. You might or might not feel differently at the time so I think it would be helpful to tell your midwife how you are feeling now. She will hopefully gently be able to make suggestions or let you know what they can do if you feel differently . Sending love and strength.

We hadn't decided if we wanted to see the baby before and the midwives didn't push anything. While I was in labor we both decided we wanted to see her and hold her and so she was delivered onto me. You don't have to make a decision before and you can definitely change your mind. The midwives also took some photos for us which we have in a memory box they gave us.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP

I have a TFMR with my 1st pregnancy due to trisomy 13. I was 12 weeks and it was picked up on a private NIPT. I can understand not want to hold the baby or know the sex etc. My DH found it very difficult and to this day, doesn't know we had a boy. We did not name him, nor have any specific ceremony. Some people do find closure with a private funeral, lighting a candle and saying some special words/poem etc. Others might plant a tree. I love this ladies work, and not all babies have a name or gender. The Seashore of Remembrance: Sunset Names

In terms of the meds you will be given, it can cause nausea, diarrhoea and a high fever. My face looked like a beetroot and I felt like I was on fire. Ask for paracetamol to help with this, but also analgesia as soon as you need it. Sorry if TMI, but I wasn't expecting waters to break. I'd never thought about it occurring at only 12 weeks, so just something to be aware of.

I hope that you have a bereavement midwife or team at the hospital to answer questions? You might find ARC helpful too. Remember that this is not your fault and you aren't alone. I'm happy to answer any questions you might have, or PM if you prefer 🌹
Antenatal Results and Choices (ARC) | Support for Parents and Professionals (arc-uk.org)

I'm sorry you have to make this decision. In my last pregnancy, I knew for certain that if the baby had Downs I would have terminated for the same reason.

You don't have to make all the decisions at once or right now.

Just wait and see how you feel after wards; you will be given time then to hold the baby if you wish, and then there is more time to decide if you want to name them, etc. Take it step by step.