Missed Miscarriage

[Swillis09]

Hi all -
my partner and I were struggling to conceive for a long time. I had loads of tests but nothing obvious was showing as a reason why so I gave up trying in the end, accepted it may not happen naturally and booked to see my GP on a Tuesday to discuss next steps. The Saturday before my appointment I took a positive pregnancy test and obviously was over the moon. I got a bit overly excited as well as incredibly anxious and went for a load of private and NHS scans. Every scan was great, the baby was growing at the right speed, with a strong healthy heartbeat and I had no issues with my cervix or surrounding area. After a bit of brown discharge I went last Wednesday for a scan and everything was fine, the baby was moving around on the screen and we had our 12 week scan booked in for the 25th April… I was really excited to start telling all my friends and showing them the scan photos.
my partner and I decided to go for an 11 week scan yesterday morning to find there was no heartbeat and the baby stopped growing at about 9 1/2 weeks, the same size as the last scan.
It was a missed miscarriage where I still had all the symptoms of being pregnant but the baby had gone. I’ve got to have an operation on Monday to remove everything.
I’m just feeling completely numb, hurt, angry and confused as to what happened and why this happened so suddenly.
Does anyone have any tips over the coming weeks/months to help in the recovery, emotionally and physically?

So sorry to hear your story. I'm afraid I've no tips for you but I just wanted to share some solidarity as unfortunately I discovered yesterday that I've had a MMC too and I'm just feeling so numb/drained/...?!

I should be 12 weeks on Monday but after some spotting this week I was booked in for a scan on Friday and unfortunately there was no heartbeat and baby had stopped developing at 7weeks 5days. It feels so sad knowing I've been carrying them round for a month completely oblivious. There have been lots of tears and it keeps hitting me in waves and feeling fresh all over again.

I'm booked in for my pre-op on Monday and for surgery first thing Tuesday morning. I think things have started to happen naturally though now so feeling a bit anxious and unsure what to expect. Also feeling very strange about the potential for losing it down the toilet 😔 I'm just all over the place right now and feeling so sad and also a bit angry I think. I was so hoping to be sharing good news with people over the next few days and instead I'm grieving and feeling hopeless. And I know it's not my fault but I can't help feeling somehow responsible and like I've let people down. So many mixed up emotions.

All that to say... You are not alone. I'm so so sorry that you are going through this too. Sending you massive hugs and lots of love ❤️

ohh I’m so sorry to hear this :( but thank you so much for sharing your story as well - I am finding some comfort in knowing that I’m not alone and there’s so many other women going through the same thing. Once I’ve started to open up to friends I’ve only just started realised how many people go through it but you have no idea because people only tend to share the great news.
You definitely did nothing wrong at all, It does feel like pregnancy is just a lottery where some are lucky to go full term and others have to go through what we have yesterday and over the next few days :(
I really hope you get to your operation in time because I can imagine how much stress and anxiety that would be causing you!
I really hope the next few days are as painless as possible and you can start on the road to recovery ❤️

@Swillis09 thank you lovely - how are you doing this evening? Yes it's crazy how many people come forwards when you open up. So sad that so many have to go through this but as you say it does seem such a lottery. I've been overwhelmed with the love I've been shown so I'm taking that little positive out of it. It'll be a tough few days and no doubt change us forever but we will get through this and hopefully onwards to our rainbows 🌈

@Swillis09 and@SnookyPook i’m so sorry to hear you are both going through this. It’s incredibly unfair and tough.
I had a missed miscarriage before the pandemic at 11 weeks. We were talking about my 12 week scan and planning how to tell friends and family. I had the tiniest bit of spotting and convinced myself it was nothing, so it felt like a sledgehammer once confirmed.

In terms of physical and emotional coping, everyone is different, but for me I found support from partner critical. Early doors I needed to know he was open to trying again and would consider other options if we were to struggle to conceive etc. He held me when we spoke about lots, when we cried and when we were close in the silence. We watched crap movies and played board games just spending time together but not solely focusing on our loss, although it was always there.

Mine passed ‘naturally’ whatever that means. I had cramps, so I got in a warm bath. This was a mistake for me and where I passed. The cramps were intense and I couldn’t get myself out. Embarrassingly I had to ask my partner to help me out. I asked him not to look and I would clean the bathroom once the cramping stopped. He helped me into my nightwear and placed a towel on the bed and looked after everything in the bathroom. Whilst natural to be anxious about the physical, the emotional was worst for me, the worst moment being told.

Whilst it is early for you both I have went onto have two successful pregnancies. That being said I hated when the consultant at the hospital said you can try again like losing my little one was a blip. He/she is my first child who I never got to meet. Your little ones matter and exist.

Love to you both. If you can think of any specific questions that I might be able to help with, let me know xxx

It’s been a while since I’ve thought about the physical but I had a hot water bottle, a dressing gown, hot juice. General comforts I would have when unwell. Painkillers. You might have both already have your go to comforts.

@Purpleboat thank you so much for your lovely message. Sorry for your loss but also very happy to hear that you went on to have two successful pregnancies.

I'm very lucky that I do have a gorgeous little boy. He turned 2 in January and has been a little light in this. I think it must be even harder when you go through this with a first pregnancy 😞

I was about to start a thread for this but as you are here and have offered to answer questions, do you remember did your waters go? I just had a popping sensation and then a gush and I was expecting to see a load of blood but it's just as though my waters have gone. I really wasn't expecting that at all. I'm not sure that I'm going to make it to the surgery before things happen naturally tbh. Got quite a lot of bleeding now. 😔 Part of me just wants it to happen now though so I can start putting it behind me (as much as you ever can). X

Whilst it is early for you both I have went onto have two successful pregnancies. That being said I hated when the consultant at the hospital said you can try again like losing my little one was a blip. He/she is my first child who I never got to meet. Your little ones matter and exist.

I felt this really strongly. Everyone kept telling me 'you'll have another!' and all I could feel was 'but I wanted this one.' (I do now have another, and the thought that I would never have had her if not for the miscarriage is unimaginable. I do hope for that for you as well.)

For me, the surprise was how painful the actual miscarriage was. I finally miscarried at home, about 3w after I'd been told the heartbeat had stopped, and I'd read so much about being 'just like a heavy period'- for me, it was much more like labour. I really hope it won't be like that for you, but I mention it just so it won't be a shock (and that, unlike me, you can get some decent painkillers in!).

Really sorry for your loss- thinking of you and wishing you healing

@SnookyPook not sure if my waters broke in the bath. They didn’t before I got in. My physical process was relatively quick. From spotting, the bath incident and the main PP bleeding was approximately 72 hours. By the following week all spotting had stopped and I was testing negative on a pregnancy test before I went back to the hospital.

@Swillis09 so sorry to read that you're going through this.

I have unfortunately lost 4 pregnancies in the last 15 months and two of those were missed miscarriages. It's awful going to a scan and finding out there's no heartbeat.

Firstly, please know it's nothing you did or did not do.

There's no right or wrong way to be feeling after a miscarriage - I found it helpful to know this as some days I'd be upset and then other days fine and I'd feel guilty whichever way I felt.

Just focus on looking after yourself (eg try and get some rest, eat well even if you don't feel like it and get some fresh air) and take it one day at a time. I found the miscarriage association website invaluable after my miscarriage - lots of really helpful information on there.

In time you might want to do something to remember your baby but this is a personal choice. I bought a little bird house after my first loss and took some comfort from watching the birds enjoying it, I've also got a rose bush in my garden in memory of my baby.

Take care x

@thecatwiththesilveryfur i agree. It’s definitely more than a heavy period. I absolutely think I would have benefited from being forewarned about what was to come. I was almost sent away with we’ll see you next week. Like everything was paused.

My first pregnancy ended as a missed miscarriage. The operation was fine physically as in no physical pain, bleeding for a week after or so but it was manageable. Ensure you have plenty of painkillers and anything else that brings you comfort.
The emotional side was horrendous, just crying all the time, couldn't keep a check on my emotions, so be prepared as best you can, though easier said than done.
My first proper period came back after about 5 weeks and maybe heavier than usual but settled down to normal routine quite quickly.
I went on to have two more early miscarriages before my two DC were born.
Just take you time, everything in your own pace, and talk about it as much as you need to.
Sending love!

I'm so sorry 😞 it's heartbreaking 💔
I'm currently going through this & unfortunately it's my second time. And even worse your body still producing symptoms is like a sick joke being played on us it's so cruel !
I'm having counselling for grief and anger etc as my partner and family just don't seem to get it fully not their fault but try speaking to a professional as it can be so helpful when your ready. Again I know how u feel I'm so sorry and I wish you all the happiness in the future xx

Sorry to hear on everyone's losses. I'm 2 days post surgery for MMC and can't say physically it's been that difficult other than minor back ache, cramps (which a hot water bottle has been sufficient for) but incase sent home with Co codamol in case it's needed. I'm also taking 1 more week off work, although I physically could I feel mentally drained. I plan on some intense organising and de cluttering as I've let that slip the last 3 weeks since I knew things weren't going well.

@Swillis09 thinking of you today. Hope the surgery goes as well as possible. Sending so much love and light your way. 💕😔💕

@SnookyPook thank you so much 💕 was a very long day as it was an emergency procedure, didn’t eat for over 24 hours and was a 9 hour wait but finally got it sorted. A bit of bleeding and cramping today but other than that I’m feeling ok physically. Let myself cry it all out yesterday, especially when discussed burial options for the baby it’s heartbreaking but have to just take it one day at a time.
I really hope your operation goes ok today as well ❤️
thanks everyone as well for the replies and sharing your stories, it’s really nice to know you’re not alone going through this sort of thing, especially as it’s my first pregnancy and first miscarriage x

Sending love and strength to you. It’s so awful how so many of us have to go the this. The best way I could describe how I felt was waves. Sometimes small manageable waves and sometimes all consuming emotion that I couldn’t contain. Our babies will always remain in our hearts, never to be forgotten. Be kind to yourselves you lovely mamas, you are stronger than you feel right now xx

@Swillis09 gosh that sounds like a really draining day in more ways than one. Hope you're ok. Horrible as it is at least it's a bit of a line drawn under things and you can start the grieving and recovery process.

I actually ended up miscarrying naturally over the weekend. They gave me a good check at my pre-op appointment yesterday with both abdominal and internal scans and they said it looked like I had passed everything and no retained products so that was both a relief and really sad but I am quite glad that it wasn't as traumatic as some stories I've heard and that I've not had to go to surgery.

@Purpleboat thanks so much for your lovely words. Waves is exactly how I described it to my hubby earlier. It just suddenly whooshes over you sometimes doesn't it. One day at a time.... Hope you are ok too 💕