I dont even know where to begin writing this. First things first, I know I need to do a test.
Context
Since 2020 I've had 3 miscarriages. These losses (and his lack of support during) plus various other factors resulted in me leaving my husband in November. I moved on very quickly because in reality I was struggling to be on my own (my husband did the same and we've since agreed that our relationship died a long time ago). I've been seeing my new partner for about 4 months. It was only meant to be a FWB type thing but we both developed feelings. Not wanting to rush into anything so soon after my separation, we agreed to be polyamorous.
Now
Having just got back from visiting my dad with leukaemia, I started spotting yesterday. First thought was 'oh my period's here'. I've been on the mini pill since I left my husband, and its made it erratic. Today though, no more spotting and I feel verrrrry sick.
I know I need to do a test, but I'm just trying to prepare myself for if it does come back positive. Right now, my life isn't ready for a baby. My partner and I don't want to rush, I'm just starting the divorce process, I live in a tiny 1 bed flat that I can barely afford because I had to stop work due to my mental health. I was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last week. New partner is also not really equipped to be a dad. He left an abusive relationship a year ago, has PTSD induced nightmares, doesn't work due to his mental health as well, and lives with parents.
I know logically that termination is the best option if it does come back positive. But after 3 losses, I'm not sure I could cope emotionally with it. Then again, I'm not sure how I would cope if I kept it and it resulted in another MC.
Sorry for the long post, I think I just needed to do this to mentally prepare before I test.