Not coping well...

[LottieBuzz]

So I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago at 11 weeks. I'm finding really difficult to deal with, but taking one day at a time and felt like I was making progress.

Today my best friend told me she is pregnant. I am so happy for her. The thing is, I don't talk to many people and she was someone I felt I could really be honest and open up with. Now I feel like I've lost that support because I don't want to be miserable and struggling with my own loss when this is such a happy time for her.

Suppose there's nothing anyone can say on here to help but just rambling and wondering if anyone had any words of wisdom...?

It does get easier, I promise. I had a MMC at 12 and then 9 weeks last year. It was horrendous and the thing I found the most helpful was talking to people who had been through the same thing. It's like a club hat you really, really don't want to join, and I hate to say it but only people who have experienced it understand fully.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to cry, be angry, and to grieve. Your friend will understand if you need some distance for a while.

One thing that I found that really helped me was choosing a little keepsake trinket (some jewellry in my case) to remind me of the 2 that I lost. It might seem silly but it makes me feel like they are close by.

Avoid big public groups for a while, parties etc - I found everything just sounded trite and pointless, when I felt so shit.

Also avoid sad music, films, tv programmes. Feed yourself - literally and figuratively - with "soul food"; lighthearted shows or books that you love. There's enough sadness without having it shoved in your face by the telly etc.

Th above were all things that helped me. Everyone is different and I hope you find something to help you through.
Sending love.

Hi, thanks so much for your reply. I'm so sorry for your losses. Your right, talking to people who have been through the same is so helpful.

We had a scan at 8 weeks so I was thinking of getting a nice box to keep the scan photos in...like you said it might sound silly but I think it will be helpful.

I am very nervous about seeing my friend tomorrow (we are at a mutual friends party) and putting on a brave face...but I'm also determined not to ruin her happiness with my misery.

It's just a rubbish awful situation, but also one I know many women share. One step at a time.

Absolutely. One foot in front of the other - that's all you can do.

If it helps at all, your friend will be feeling a little (not the right word probably) awkward and will be worrying about not upsetting you, I'm sure. You will feel better hopefully once you've had your first get together.

A box is a lovely idea, I have my scan pics in a memory box. I was very, very lucky that I had a little boy to keep me cheerful. I am now pregnant and due in July - I'm sorry if that's a tactless thing to say - but I felt quite hopeless after my losses - it's led to massive anxiety this pregnancy so far but that hope kept me going.

I really wish you well, it's a desperately sad time and a one step at a time approach is the healthiest, I think.

Hi
sorry to hear. I feel exactly like tok I will attach something I read that will bring some comfort ♥️😢

I meant “ I feel exactly like you “ not tok

Thank you all for your support - it really does mean alot.

I've decided not to go to the party, I'm not ready to see her yet, I'm very tearful and am angry.

I'm a little worried she will think I'm being dramatic or taking the lime light from her moment but it would be more dramatic for me to be there crying!!

@turnthebiglightoff Congratulations on your pregnancy! It's nice to hear of people's positive stories and gives me a little hope for the future x

I think you've made the right decision. I remember the anger very well. It's got to be completely about being kind to yourself for the next few weeks. That's the most important thing.

@LottieBuzz I was in a similar situation for both my mc's. I lost then within 2 weeks both times my 2 closest friends got pregnant. It hurt like hell and if I'm honest it has caused me to back off since.

They're great friends but the pain of seeing their babies knowing both mine would have been a similar age is too much.

Mine were a while ago now and no bfp since. I miss them so so much and it's a feeling that I really believe only mums of babies never born know. I'm filling up just writing this- I'm not over the loss and don't ever think I will be.

You must take care of yourself and take things slowly. Don't think too far ahead, sometimes just thinking the next hour or day works best. I had a month of work and the next time 2 weeks off. Everyone is different, do what works for you.
You need to grieve for your baby and know it's ok for you to do this.

Take care x

@Teenbartle have you got a link for this please? It made me cry but is so reassuring.

Thank you x

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I promise it gets easier.

I'm so sorry OP. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, I do understand how you feel.
What helped me was to think that the baby wasn't developing as it should and the nature took its course.
Another thing that really helped me was understanding that miscarriage is very common, if I remember rightly, around 30% in late twenties/early thirties and rising to 40% in late thirties (I was in this group).
Also, give yourself time, be kind to yourself.
I have now two healthy children and got pregnant within three months after miscarriage.
Best wishes to you, hope you will feel better soon.

Hi I sent it to you on private message x

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage myself a few weeks ago (I was 8 weeks and we'd just had a positive scan) so at a similar stage to you.
I just wanted to share that when I was pregnant with my daughter, a close friend was pregnant at the same time but she lost that baby.
She told me she couldn't speak to me or see me for a while as it was just too hard and I could tell she was scared to say so but I TOTALLY understood and just wanted to give her whatever she needed even if that was space.
We weren't really able to speak again until she had another pregnancy that resulted in her lovely daughter, and now we're closer than ever. She's been such a support since my mc because she's been there :(
I'm sure your friend will be worried about you and you should just be honest with her about your needs. When I was on the other side that's how I felt.

In terms of coping I'm finding myself focusing on nutrition and fitness plans, probably to regain a sense of control over my body, and I've also just been away for a couple of nights with a friend to a city break. Might seem a strange thing to do but actually it helped me, my mc all happened in my home so I felt a need for a change of scenery and to escape reality a bit.

Sensing love OP, there are many of us who understand what you’re feeling.

I had an MMC at 12 weeks, followed by a D&C. We’d only just told everyone a couple of days before too.

Every feeling you have is valid. It’s OK to grieve. Mine was 28 years ago this year & we always light a candle for our little one on the due date each year. Even typing this has made me cry. And, that’s OK.

I got pregnant (by accident, we weren’t trying at all!) and our daughter was born a year & 2 days after the MMC, so that time of year is happy/sad. We get comfort from thinking if we hadn’t lost our 1st little one, we wouldn’t have our amazing, beautiful, talented (now adult!) daughter now. Our LO has a name, and our daughter has it as a middle name. We will never forget our lost baby. And, that too, is OK.

Very unmumsnetty I know, but sending love & hugs through the t’interweb for you all.

Thank you everyone for your support and stories, they are helping me feel less alone as I've really got no one to talk to who has been through anything similar.

It's not a great day today. I tried, started the day with a walk but have been in bed since. I feel less sadness but those feelings have been replaced with anger and yes I'll admit it, jealously. It makes me feel like such a bad person to admit that. I'm also worried that I'm making her feel bad or ruining her happiness with the obvious distance...not going to a party where she would be and also not replying to a message from her asking if I was OK.

Hi OP, I just wanted to send you all my love. I recently in January had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks but my baby had passed at 6 weeks :( I ended up having to have surgical management at the hospital and was given a few things, a bear from Aching Arms and a memory box from 4Louis. They are amazing charities, and I think you can request a bear from Aching Arms. It helps having something to cuddle when life is so shit, and deep down you know you aren’t alone ❤️ the Aching Arms bears come with a dedication on of a baby who has passed which makes them even more special 💕 I am still struggling now and hope everything will get easier :(

Just found out today that I've had a MMC. Should be 11+5 and unfortunately baby was measuring 7+5 and no heartbeat. 😞 I'm meant to be organising a friend's babyshower...

Hope you're doing ok. I'd say it's very normal to feel angry and unable to face people who have got what you so desperately want. It's all so new to me right now that I don't think it's fully sunk in yet but already had waves of grief rolling over and just a whole load of emotions. Sending hugs your way.