When do you stop being triggered by babies/ baby announcements? Wanting to move on..

[BlueMumma2018]

I’ve been through the wringer with infertility, ivf and an ivf miscarriage in October 2022. It has damaged my mental health so much.

We have 1 miracle child conceived naturally who is 5. Ever since she turned 1 we have been trying for another. For four years every pregnancy announcement, family with more than one child etc has triggered something in me. Obviously it started off 4 years ago as a want and a a desire to have another. Now (mainly since trying ivf) I am triggered multiple times a day. I have to unfollow pregnant people on social media. I have tried to expose myself to it as much as possible by being supportive and involved with my friends pregnancies etc but it just won’t budge. I have resisted the temptation to cut friends out because I don’t want this to ruin my life any more than it has. But when I spend time with my friends with babies or are pregnant I can’t lie to myself, it’s soul destroying. I get a gut wrenching punch feeling to my stomach when I hear another announcement. I question how happy my child is without a sibling constantly. It feels like it’s almost a compulsive intrusive thought.

anyway, I am wondering for those that went through infertility and eventual acceptance, when did this go away? It has made me feel suicidal at times. I feel like it controls my life..

im about to start therapy next week.

@BlueMumma2018 just came across your post and was shocked nobody has responded. I can't really comment to advise as my situation is so different to yours having just experienced my first MC after having 8 children. I'm going through my own battles with grief/anger/disbelief/helplessness but just wanted to give you a handhold and let you know that it's ok to feel how you're feeling. I know that you would rather not feel like that but instead of viewing your thoughts/feelings as wholly negative, my advice would be to accept them as part of the process of dealing with what you have been through. It's not nice, in fact it's really shit and even though it's only been a month for me I'm through with pretending that's it's not a shitty situation. But, and it's a huge but, shitty situations happen in life and we can't let them break us. These feelings may never go away OP but focus on your wonderful daughter and enjoying each moment of her childhood as it disappears so fast. I know you've had a tough tough time with it but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I know some people have suggested getting a pet in the meantime I don't know how you feel about that idea. Just know that there's loads of women out here cheering you on and always happy and ready to hold your hand. Try and keep your head up OP xx

Well done you for getting therapy I think all of those who have had any kind issues with fertility should get offered counselling, I never did despite 5 mc and an ectopic in answer to your question Never, but it gets easier and you stop judging those that announce eventually and start tone pleased for them . I’ve also told people about it. Some get uncomfortable but that’s not my problem. but mine is an only not through choice and he is aware that he’s my miracle but he is older

It's weird but it took me a year to get pregnant. I now have a DS but I still feel a pang of sadness?jealousy? when someone announces they got pregnant straight away.

I find it odd but that's how I feel. So be gentle with yourself and it's okay to always have that pang. It might go, but it's normal if it stays. I think.

If someone is recently married and announces pregnancy, I'll count back the months and then estimate in my head 'so they got pregnant just after the wedding' and it does.....bother me slightly?

Or someone else has been married for a while now and every insta story is NOT their pregnancy announcement. I even looked back on their profile recently and counted back to when they got married. 'Okay they got married 9 months ago and no pregnancy yet'

Okay that sounds weird reading it back but that's what I do and I can't help it!

I feel you, OP. Unfortunately it doesn't ever fully go away 😞.
Despite having a beautiful tiny human now, I still find pregnancy / birth announcements really tough. It's not jealously or sadness but i honestly don't know what to call it!

I have one IVF miracle and pregnancy announcements still feel like a punch to the gut, even though I really wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone else.

I think it’s knowing I’ll always be infertile, unable to conceive without IVF.

I have a friend who had one baby by IVF followed by a natural miracle and said he internally goes ‘fuck you’ to pregnancy announcements, so it’s not uncommon.

@BlueMumma2018 only just come across your post. I just wanted to send you a hug.. and I feel exactly the same, baby loss last year.. really struggling. Hope your therapy is helping x

Same! I really don’t know what it is but whatever it is it’s still with me. I’m better able to tolerate announcements since I had my baby but there’s still something off, I act happy for them, I am happy for them but also not. It’s strange, I’m not sure it’ll ever go away.

Thanks for starting this OP, and to all who have shared their own versions of the feeling. (I do the counting thing too, @elodiesmith - not in relation to marriage necessarily but figuring out when they conceived and what I was doing then, and how far along I’d be in relation to them, and comparing due dates…) It’s a hard one to handle, because it seems so ugly to respond to news of innocent new life in anything other than positive terms. But it’s totally normal and human. (I hope your therapist has told you this by now, @BlueMumma2018.) I think it’s grief. Again and again when other people make an announcement it reanimates our own losses, surfaces all the old feelings. Time probably eases the strength of the reaction but it will also bring out new thoughts and feelings, as we pass new milestones, move further away from the babies that never were… I’m trying to believe it’s possible to feel sad for me and happy for those pregnant now, and sometimes I manage it, but sometimes I don’t even want to feel anything other than sad for me. I think (hope…) that’s ok.