Lost a pregnancy & DBro just had a baby

[icysky]

TW - pregnancy loss

My brother’s lovely first baby was born on Wednesday. Everyone is delighted, including me. First family baby and excitement is high!

Three weeks ago I lost a very early pregnancy which only my mum and DP know about. The pregnancy was unplanned and threw up a mixture of emotions at the time. After losing it all I can think about is having another baby, despite our situation not being perfect (still renting and planning our wedding). The pain is compounded by becoming an auntie and watching my parents becoming grandparents. We hadn’t planned to have a baby yet but I honestly feel like it’s the only way I’m going to feel better, even if it means parking those other plans or doing them alongside.

Is it selfish to revisit the idea of TTC in a few months time even if conditions still aren’t perfect? I know it wouldn’t replace a loss.

DP and my mother are supportive and listen to me but I don’t think they fully understand the depth of how I feel. I don’t think anybody truly understand unless it’s something they’ve gone through themselves. It’s a lonely feeling because it still feels like it’s so taboo and you can’t really talk about it to anyone

I feel so guilty and selfish for not having purely happy feelings towards them, but I never expected that this would stir up very painful emotions in me. I thought I had come to terms with it and accepted it until their baby was born. :(

Oh sweetheart. Your feelings are your feelings and nothing to feel guilty about. Of course you're going to have mixed emotions, it doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human.

3 weeks since your loss is nothing, your body and hormones will still be all over the place never mind the emotional side of it. There are no rights or wrongs for timescale and there's never really a right time to have a baby. Talk with your partner and decide together and be kind to yourself in the meantime 💐

Your emotions are totally valid and you are allowed to feel however you feel. Sending hugs x
I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks followed by an ectopic 3 months later, hubbys brother and wife had a baby days later and I emotionally couldn't deal with it (luckily we lived abroad). We didn't see them for a while and I felt it caused a few family frictions and I constantly beat myself up emotionally whilst all having ptsd and depression from my experience.
Now I think we'll fuck you all, we didn't take away from their experience and showed happiness to them but we went through a horrible horrible time and were allowed to grieve. Families get along fine and our daughter conceived a year later loves her cousins.

Thank you so much x

@floodbez1878 that sounds like it was tough especially twice, bless you. I suppose being in another country and having the physical distance must have been helpful

I think when I meet the baby I will feel better, possibly. It’s just thrown me as I expected I would be fine.

@icysky how are you doing OP, have you met the baby yet? You are absolutely entitled to your feelings & they are valid. Remember, you won't feel this way about the baby forever, and if TTC again is what you feel will help you moving forward then go for it, there really is no 'perfect' time to have a baby.

I lost my first DC a little while after he was born, & then 2 months later my SIL had her first baby. I was absolutely heartbroken & didn't see the baby or her (apart from once) in the first few months. Then I gradually started seeing them again. Now, years on, we are so close & I hold no negative feelings towards them. As I say, it's so tough in the moment, but it won't feel like this forever