Time off work after miscarriage at 5wks?

[Walker12]

Looking for reassurance/advice following a very early miscarriage (5-6 weeks). This was my first pregnancy after ttc for 2 years. I am quite a pragmatic person usually and aware of rates of early losses but have been left really devastated by it all. I have been on AL this week and the thought of going to work on Monday and people asking about my holiday makes me cry! I'm torn with it being such an early loss I suppose, whether I should just try to get back to normal. Would be grateful to hear of anyone else who has been through similar and how they managed it with work.

I just went to work as normal after a loss at 5 weeks, cried the evening it happened then back to reality. I’m self employed, I also worked during the 3 week process of a much more physically and mentally difficult loss at 10 weeks. At 5-6 weeks unless there were complications I wouldn’t think you’d need long, better to get back to it than stew on the emotional side while off with nothing to occupy the mind.

I took a weeks annual leave and then went back.

The following week, a colleague brought his new daughter into the office to show her off. I couldn’t bring myself to meet the baby and felt really awkward as nobody knew i what had happened. Being practical,10-20% of early pregnancies end in miscarriage so we are never too far from a woman it has happened to.

Typically I was admitted for a ERPC at the local hospital for a miscarriage around 10 - 12 weeks. The day after I was discharged, I went to work as normal. Then I had about 4 early losses around 5 - 6 weeks - just went to work as normal.

I had 4 miscarriages in 13 months, then the 4 losses in the next 6 months. I couldn’t take 8 weeks off in 18 months! Anyway DC1 needed looking after, so there was no peace at home.

However I wouldn’t recommend what I did - the grief caught up with me eventually!

If you need a week off, take it!

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Just because it was early doesn’t invalidate your feelings or make what you’re going through any easier, particularly when it was so difficult for you to get pregnant in the first place. It was your long awaited baby and it’s ok to grieve.

I had an early miscarriage in June, tried to go back to work before I was ready and then ended up breaking down and having an additional 3 weeks off. Work were incredibly understanding about it (and frankly if they weren’t they could get fucked). I could self certify as ill for the first 5 days then I needed a drs note for following two weeks which they were happy to give.

Everyone deals with grief differently so take the time that you need. If it helps, I found a podcast called The Worst Girl Gang Ever really helped me, they have a community on FB as well if that sort of thing will help you. All the best.

Thanks all for the range of experiences, it doesnt seem like there is a right way to react. So sorry to hear of everyone's losses, it really does hit home how common it is. I work in quite an emotionally draining role and so I am more mindful that I want to feel well enough to support others I think. I know my manager would be extremely supportive so may have a chat to her. Despite telling myself of the odds it was impossible not to be excited after the positive tests and the fall from that has felt awful, the extent of the feelings of grief has surprised me if I'm honest.

I'm so sorry that you're in this group OP.

I would say to have off some time if you can't face going back. You can normally self certify for 2 weeks and a loss is a loss no matter what gestation you had it at, especially after TTC for 2 years.

I know it's really difficult but I've been really open with people about my 3 losses because I think it helps people understand and be kind. I know not everyone can do this but please try tell your manager what's going on.

If you want to private message me please do, send you lots of thoughts.

Thanks so much- I think that is maybe what I am worried about, trying to power on and then it hitting me more intensely further down the line.
Thank you for the recommendation too I will definitely look into the podcast!

Thank you so much, I think I just let myself fully believe this was it. I agree I would like to be open rather than trying to put on a front about it all, you sound incredibly brave and kind and I'm sorry too that you've had to go through that.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. If you feel like you need longer you should take it, a loss is still a loss however early and there's no right or wrong way to feel. I lost a pregnancy at 6.5 weeks last summer and was signed off for 4 weeks as it was ectopic and I needed surgery, but to be honest I needed that time to heal (enough to go back to work anyway) emotionally as well as physically. It was 'early' but like you I'd had a very long TTC journey (IVF) to even achieve that pregnancy and I was utterly devastated, and knew I wouldn't get pregnant again easily. Everyone's situation is different and you need to do what's right for you. I'm still grieving it now 7 months on and I think it will always stay with me. Luckily work were very understanding and supportive, it helped to be open about it and I was surprised how many people I've told had experienced loss themselves or have had close friends/ family go through it. I've had some counselling too which has helped me process the grief and get through some darker periods.

So sorry for your loss. I work in HR and have had 4 miscarriages, and each one was handled differently.

The first one I had 2 days. It was not enough but I was shell shocked and didn’t know what to do.

The second one was over Christmas shut down so I was off by default, but I worked from home for a couple of weeks as I couldn’t face people asking me how my Christmas was.

The third I took a month off signed off.

the last I was with a different workplace and found I was ready to go back after a week.

I found that if you are treated in hospital, most will write you a 2 week sick note.

You can self cert for 5 days and then your GP will write you a sick note.

Many workplaces are now putting miscarriage policies into place, and they generally allow two weeks leave without the need for a sick note, for either parent.

I wish I had not rushed back to work, as it takes time to process the loss and as others have mentioned so many things can be triggering. I powered on (not helped by my first boss wanting to know when I would be back in after a couple of days off! Although I’m sure she thought she was being supportive…) and I suffered for it later.

I think each miscarriage is different, and only you know if you are ready to go back to work. I also think that you shouldn’t feel you have to go back because you’ve already had x amount of time, or you are worried about your team or anything to do with work, it should be because you feel ready, try not to let any of these things influence you. Thinking of you xx

Thanks so much everyone for your kind responses- just reading through them has been very validating and I feel a little less alone with it all.

Hey, I'm currently in the process of a miscarriage, I was 11 weeks.

The doctor at the hospital wrote me a sick note for 2 weeks - at first I thought that was a long time but now, 4 days later, I'm so glad I've got that time. Its a huge thing to process emotionally and physically.

I saw a friend yesterday for the first time, thinking I was OK but the second she asked me how I was, I broke down. I also dread all those 'How are you?' questions but I'm hoping by the time I go back to work, I will feel a little stronger.

Take your time, its a process and you'll have good moments and bad. Work can wait x

Thank you, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel a bit less tearful today but I can imagine it will fluctuate. Yes I'm also dreading general 'how are you' chats. Take care of yourself too x

Hi OP

Im sorry for your loss. I have suffered three losses, and each time I have needed to take more time off and received some counselling.
It’s great that some have managed business as normal, and lots of people do. But please don’t think this is what you NEED to do. It’s different for everyone.

Grief is like being in the sea. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes the waves knock you down. And that’s ok. Everyone has different coping mechanisms

Thank you- I think I needed to hear that as had a bit of a wobble this afternoon. I've spoken with a colleague who has been incredibly supportive and I do think taking some time to let myself process the loss is important.
That metaphor really resonates with me for a few personal reasons (and maybe my hormones still settling are making me extra weepy!), i'm so grateful for you and the other posters taking the time to respond and being so kind.

Hi OP,

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I found out about my missed miscarriage last week at a little over 9 weeks, decided to go down the surgical management route, and had the procedure on Monday. My company’s miscarriage policy allows us 10 days off and overall I took 8 (2 days of leave after the procedure) and am now slowly easing my way back to work. Only HR & my boss know about my miscarriage and they’ve been very understanding. I’m also lucky to work from home most days and that’s been a blessing as I am still feeling exhausted and don’t think I could handle a whole day out physically (and socially).

My HR has been through this before and told me something that helped me - treat yourself with the kindness and love that you’d show upon a loved one.

Please be kind to yourself, this is a horrible experience and our minds and bodies need time to process all of this. Wishing you the best.

This! I had multiple losses too and did the same. Even walked around work for a week with a MMC while I waited for surgery.

My reasoning was that I was better off being busy than wallowing at home but as with this PP, my feelings caught up with me eventually. Take the time you need, even though it was early it’s still a big shock.

I agree with everything everyone up thread has said about taking the time you need etc. but if it offers you any comfort, I’d say I found it worse thinking about it than it was doing it. I was close to my colleagues at the time so they all knew when I miscarried at 8 weeks, I went back after 3 days and everyone was brilliant x

I had an early loss at about the same time as you,approx 5-6 weeks. I'd been having hcg bloods done at work (midwife). I was in a group meeting which included one of the Consultants who had been checking my results for me. I popped out to the loo and unbeknownst to me she had followed me out the room and was waiting for me when I came out the toilet. I knew from her face it was bad news, and she said judging from my blood results it would likely 'happen' (i.e. I'd start to miscarry) in the next couple of days. She just looked at me and said 'go home', very softly and kindly. So I collected my laptop from the meeting and just left. She was right, and I started miscarrying the next day (Friday). Just by chance I had a week of annual leave the next week so had some time off to recuperate but I was very emotional, and was upset for a very long time. I think part of it was because my husband had been so excited, it had happened a lot quicker than we originally thought it would (health concerns on my part) and so it felt really shit to have it taken away so soon. I felt I was grieving for what could have been iyswim? I also knew that die toy husband's work commitments, we had one more cycle to fall pregnant again, or we would have to postpone for a year and that compounded the grief. We were very lucky to fall pregnant again the next cycle we tried. There really is no right way to react to something like this so be gentle with yourself, and don't rush the process as I often find that can make things worse ❤️

Die toy 🙄 *due to

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also had two losses at 5/6 weeks back in 2020, and it was such an awful time. As other posters have said, people grieve differently, and I was grieving an imagined future, even though it had only been imagined for a week or so, but that's still a long time to get used to an idea, especially one that's exciting.
I was so shocked I had no idea how to ask for any time off, so j just took annual leave until the end of the week. The second one was in the middle of lockdown and I just ploughed on (I don't have many meetings so can just keep my head down).
It's taken me until now to realise that my company really needs a miscarriage policy. I'm in the process of approaching HR about it, because I think it's not well understood by either side how much time you'll likely need.
If it's helpful, I fell pregnant with my son shortly after my losses and he's now a happy nearly 2 year old.
Hope it works out for you in the end. Take all the time you need to grieve 💐

Just because it was early doesn't diminish the grief and sense of loss. Take as much time as you need. There are no heroes here. Women will say they went to work immediately after but that's them and you're you.

I took a few weeks after my miscarriage at 9 weeks because I needed it.

I haven't read the thread admittedly but you can't be penalised by your work for taking time off work because of your miscarriage because it's counted as pregnancy related sickness and as such is protected by the equality act

So sorry for your loss OP.

I lost one twin at 8 weeks and was lucky to have an extremely supportive workplace. I took just over a week off and they said I could take more if needed it. I was lucky to still have one baby (now 16months) but it was a huge conflict of emotions, especially when I started to tell people I was pregnant and the amount of people who would say 'are you sure there is only one?!'. Sadly it's often others who make these experiences worse with their thoughtless words (because as society we don't talk about baby loss enough, we are almost conditioned that it's taboo). Take all the time you need to process this and don't let anyone make you feel like just because you were 'only' 5 weeks that you're not entitled to feel how you feel.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had 2 losses around the same time and despite being "early" they are still so devastating. The first one happened on a Sunday, I was off Monday and went back Tuesday and it was nowhere near enough. I also work in an emotionally draining job and the rest of the week I was a wreck. Second one started at work on a Monday so I went home and didn't come back for a week. My partner also was able to have a few days off too to be with me.