TFMR

[FlyBirdieFly]

Last week we learnt at a scan that our baby girl has a very rare and serious heart defect and is unlikely to survive outside my womb. We were shocked and really distressed. She was so loved, and so dearly wanted. Last year we had two miscarriages. I have a 5 year old I'm desperate to have a sibling for but it's proving challenging to say the least. My father in law died at Xmas, and our little girl being on the way brought the whole family hope.

We've made the heartbreaking decision to have a tfmr on Thursday. I'll be 18 weeks pregnant. I'm going to have a d & e as I don't feel strong enough to give birth to her like this, but I'm feeling terrible about this decision as well as I know I won't get to see or hold her. I'm also really worried about the procedure going wrong and affecting my chances of having another child...which don't look good anyway but I think I'd like to at least try again once before giving up completely due to how much it's wearing me down. I'm also really nervous that I might die during the surgery - seems quite histrionic I know but my resilience and optimism isn't at its highest.

I desperately don't want Thursday to come as for now I'm enjoying spending time with my little girl in my tummy. I know that our decision is made with love for her and our little boy, but it feels incredibly difficult and heartbreaking and I don't know how I'll ever get over it.

Has anyone been through similar and can share any comforting words with me?

OP I haven't experienced this but I couldn't read and run. I'm so sorry for you and your partner finding yourselves in this awful situation.

For what it's worth a lovely friend of mine had a tfmr and a subsequent loss, followed by a pregnancy which is now a 1 year old little boy. There is hope.

Take time to be kind to yourself.

I had a D&C for miscarriage in 2021 and I promise it is very straightforward and quick. You'll come round from the op before you know it. I felt very guilty at choosing surgery over passing the pregnancy "naturally" as I felt like I was not going to be with my baby to the end - I couldn't even speak when the theatre tech asked me to confirm what procedure I was in for. It's hard. Very very hard. What you are going through is terribly sad. I hope someone with better experience and better words than me comes along to reassure you soon

Please also reach out to your midwives and doctors for perinatal mental health support as you navigate the next steps xx

I had a TFMR in December last year for a severe brain abnormality. I gave birth to our beautiful daughter at 25+1. As I was so far along my only option was to give birth to her. I was absolutely terrified but it was a privilege to do so and to meet her. I don't say this to make you feel bad in anyway, it is just my experience and whatever option you choose will be right for you and your baby. Any choice related to TFMR is done so with the greatest love.

Have you spoken to ARC at all? I didn't reach out to anyone before or during our experience but joined the forum in January and have found it very supportive and reassuring. I know people have called ARC and also found it useful to talk everything through with them.

I completely understand your concern about dying during the procedure, even now I have an underlying anxiety about what else horrendous can be thrown at me. I am due to start counselling which I hope will help me. I did suffer after the birth with retained tissue which was absolutely excruciating. The consultant wanted me to have an operation to clear it all but my anxiety around dying meant I had a breakdown in the hospital and asked to wait until my next period. Luckily it all cleared then. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you have the procedure then at least it will all be sorted at once (sorry horrendous wording but didn't know how else to say it).

Please don't let your decision be rushed. I am also more than happy to answer any questions. I am so sorry you are going through this xx