Sharing my story, in hopes that it may help someone find answers, comfort, or just share some common ground. I had no idea a miscarriage could be like this.
I have three kids, 17, 14, and 3. It has always been my dream to have 4, though it wasn't planned to be starting a "second batch" so late in my reproductive years. In summer 2021, just after turning 38, I got in touch with my midwife about trying for a 4th. She advised me to loose some weight. I spent 6 months trying to lose weight using a method that helped me lose 30 pounds before my last pregnancy...but I didn't lose an ounce! Then I did a 4 week total body reset challenge, then an 8 week lifestyle course, then another 2 week fitness challenge...my weight didn't budge, but I felt stronger and healthier. I thought "screw it" I'm not getting any younger, and we started TTC. However, I felt a darkness looming over my head, like something bad would happen: I would never conceive, I would miscarry, have a stillbirth, a cesarean, a baby with a severe disability, or even die. Some outcomes were worse than others, but I couldn't shake the feeling.
After 8 months of trying, every month was getting more stressful than the last. I started using LH test strips, but was testing my first urine of the day, which I didn't know would yield inaccurate results (it's better to test at your 2nd or 3rd trip to the bathroom, after your hormones "wake up"). So I thought I messed up, timed things improperly, and lost another month. I was so depressed. I started baking, because baking is therapeutic for me, and it was the holidays after all! However, I baked so many cookies that for 2 weeks, it was all I ate: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks - cookies. I stopped exercising, treated myself like garbage and felt like it, too. Then I took a deep breath, and made a commitment to do better and try again. I started eating better, exercising, got in touch with a naturopath for fertility, and ordered more LH test strips and even a male fertility test kit. My period was due December 24th, but was late and I only had spotting. I was so nervous, but decided to take a pregnancy test, and it was positive! The spotting was unsettling, especially with that dark feeling lurking at the back of my mind. This would be my fourth pregnancy, and the first time to experience implantation spotting. Or any spotting at all during pregnancy! This was also the only pregnancy I cried when I saw the test. There were so many emotions! I bought a journal and started writing in it that night, as I did for all my pregnancies.
I got a cold, and probably due to coughing, was spotting again January 17th. I tried to convince myself it was because I was older, or because things may be a little weaker after a few pregnancies, or because this baby was stronger, or because I had a minor uterine prolapse (1 cm descended). I emailed my midwife I was pregnant and we were playing tag to nail down our first visit together. I told my best friend January 20, my children Jan 27th, my and my husband's parents the 28th, and was spotting again the 29th. But this spotting was a bit different. It wasn't pink like before, it was red, and really mucousy, like losing the plug before labor. The next morning there was even more, but not actually bleeding. I rushed to the hospital in tears. I didn't know what was going on, or even what to expect. The doc brushed me off saying these things happen all the time, no one knows why, it's just like a period and I should be physically well enough to return to work the next day. He also did a blood test, asked that I do another one 2 days later, and sent me home.
The spotting stopped later than morning, and I was starting to hope that it was just a false alarm. Unfortunately, at 4pm, I started cramping and felt a gush of blood. By the time I got to the bathroom, I had soaked through my pad and my clothes. I threw a towel on the floor, and just sat there naked, bawling my eyes out, trying to catch anything that might be useful for testing. After an hour, I was losing a lot of blood - 10 minutes to soak a cloth postpartum pad, and passed a couple clots the size of my fist. Back to the hospital I went.
I am medicating for high blood pressure. It's usually high 130's over low 90's, higher when checked at the hospital or doctor's office. I didn't take my medication that day, and when it was checked at the hospital at 6pm, it was 148/98. The nurse commented that they expected it to be higher, under the circumstances. They did another blood test. When I got to the bed, I was terrified to move. Every movement, especially while standing up, caused a gush of blood, and lying down acted like a plug. However, because I wasn't running to the bathroom frequently to change a pad, they didnt believe I was losing that much blood and sent me home (despite bleeding all over the bed.)
At 8pm, my husband found me unconscious on the toilet and called an ambulance to take me back to the hospital. My blood pressure was 105/72 and I had an elevated heart rate. I was hooked up to saline, which took 3 tries (I have shy veins). They talked to me about a possible blood transfusion, but to just wait and see. I often wonder if I should have had one. I was a little better, so they sent me home. The bleeding slowed to a heavy menstrual bleed by midnight, and continued to decline very slowly for the next three weeks.
At the 2 week mark, I tried to return to work. It was really hard whenever someone came by and would say "I haven't seen you for a while, were you on vacation?" I only did 2.5 hours, and was so dizzy, lightheaded and weak, I had to go home for a 3 hour nap and took the rest of the week off. The next day, I could hardly move. The following week, I tried working the Monday again, but this time got to 4 hours before having to go home. I got sick the next day, and took it as the universe telling me I needed more rest. This week, I was able to work three 4-hour shifts. Even after 4.5 weeks, I'm still surprised how little it takes to knock me out. I was 9 weeks when I lost my baby. I still tire easily, and have a constant abdominal ache. I don't know what's normal or not.
I went back to the hospital, when I was still bleeding at 2.5 weeks. I was concerned about my dizziness, weakness and aches. I asked about testing, checking my hormone levels, any tests to do after my regular cycles return to make sure everything is good to maintain a possible future pregnancy. The doctor laughed at me and he said "you can obviously get pregnant, what more could you possibly want to know!?" And I was too tired to argue.
For my emotional recovery, I continue to write in my pregnancy journal. It's been really helpful. I talked with my husband and children about what happened, what I'm doing to face my greif, how it can manifest when I ignore it, what I need from them to help me through this process. We also talked about individual needs with greif and what they need from me, if anything. My husband and daughter don't like talking about their feelings, so I had everyone write a letter, to the baby, to the world, to themselves, anything, as long as it acknowledged something they were feeling. Then we folded them all together and burned them.
As I've said before, baking is therapeutic for me, so I made a cake. I made a vanilla cake spiced with cardamom and orange zest. Oranges were one of the last things I bought while pregnant. I made an orange curd, and a custard gently simmered with rosemary. I decorated the sides of the cake as a sunset over water, with waterlillies on top. All of those things have special meanings behind them, and though it was the hardest cake I've ever made, I felt I needed to do it.
2.5 weeks after I lost my baby, my parents had a birthday party to celebrate all the February birthdays in our large family. My sister had a 4 week old baby and would be there, and I knew that the earlier I faced him, the longer I could be part of his life. I both dreaded to see him and desperately wanted to hold him. It was so emotional to hold him as he stared into my eyes, and part of my pain and fear melted away, as though he knew everything was going to be okay.
Another thing I found that helped, was giving my baby a name. My husband mentioned a name, around the time we conceived, and I replied it would be perfect for a girl. During my pregnancy, I had strong feelings I was having a girl, and that name became hers.
Sometimes I feel okay, and sometimes my greif is triggered. Usually, I can pinpoint a cause: it snowed when I lost my baby, and I cried my eyes out when it snowed 3 weeks later. I teared up when oranges were on sale and I bought some. I cried when my husband reached over in his sleep and caressed my belly. Whenever I see or do something, if I was pregnant the last time it happened, I cry. I lost my baby 4.5 weeks ago. I still write in my journal, and even joining this group and writing it all out has been helpful for me. I know it's turned into a bit of a novel.
Something I regret, is not telling people sooner, and asking for help. My husband was drowning while he continued to work, looking after me and our kids, trying to keep on top of laundry, dishes and meals, with no time to look after himself. It was too much, and no one really got what they needed most.
I'm on the fence about TTC again. I'll be 40 this summer, and I'm worried about the health of my eggs. I want to quit the job I hate and open my own private cake business, which will be delayed by having another baby. I stay at this job for the maternity benefits, should I have another baby. Not having another baby means getting my business up and running sooner, and probably regretting not trying for another baby for the rest of my life. I'm scared of having another traumatic miscarriage. Could I accept my last pregnancy and birth as my lasts? I wish there was a crystal ball I could look into that would tell me if another baby was in my future.
Thank you for reading if you stuck around this long! I didn't realize I had so much to get out!