Feel so alone in grieving ectopic pregnancy

[Junebughustle]

Today DH's friend came to stay with us and she mentioned the funeral process for a sisters miscarried baby. We were all a few drinks in and unprepared for such a conversation.

What struck me was that DH hadn't mentioned to her what we had been through as neither of them understood my reaction to the story. He was so relieved that I had survived the ectopic pregnancy I experienced almost a year ago that he had not thought about what we lost.

Am I mad for still thinking about it?

Of course not. I'm about to have another baby and I've literally been awake now thinking about the baby I lost in the second trimester years ago. It's normal. Do you never talk about it, the two of you I mean? There's no time limit on grief and personally it wasn't until my firstborn arrived I even realised how much that little baby that didn't make it was missed.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. It's tough losing a baby at any stage.

A friend once said to me that sometimes when your body experiences the process of carrying life, and men don't tend to, the impact of loss can weigh more heavily on the one who carries. I now wonder if there is some truth to it as I'm devastated over our MC 2 weeks ago. I can barely function most days, but as devastated as hubby is, he can function quite better than me as he is not undergoing the physical symptoms as well as hormonal stuff and the physical memory. Each person is different (& my hubby is devastated and he copes in his own way) & I think your grief is understandable and very normal and valid.

Sending you positive thoughts, peace & love.

Sorry for your loss. It's an entirely individual thing - no one can tell you you're mad for still thinking about it.

I also had an ectopic and can understand your husband - I used the fear that I could have died myself to help block the pain of losing the baby, so I get how he may think like that. Similarly for my DH, it was during COVID and I think he was so concerned about me being alone that he just pushed the pain of the loss to one side to allow him to focus on my needs, and once you've compartmentalised the loss it's hard to back to that pain.

There are no timeframes for grief, so please don't feel you're in any way mad.

No, you're not mad at all. I'm so sorry you've had a devastating loss of your baby. Is there any way you could now have a family event to mark your baby having been lost. Even yourself and your DP, it doesn't matter what you do if it feels right to you. I'm doing something similar, decades on. I never came to terms with a loss and it continued to affect me over the years in an increasingly upsetting way. It really helped me recently to go to a florist and pick out delicate flowers to make a posey that I took to a river and scattered. It just felt like I'd in some way eventually marked the loss. I hope you feel you are entitled to grieve your loss and if you'd like to you can mark it in some way.