Hello there,
I'm very new on here and this will probably end up being the only post I write. I'm currently sitting down at work and typing this away while I'm sitting down downing a drink because I can't seem to cope with the emptiness I feel inside of me right now. I recently, very recently had what they call early pregnancy loss. A Chemical pregnancy. Something that up to a few days ago I did even know existed. I wasn't looking for a pregnancy, I currently do not want to have children or can afford to have them but never in my life would I have thought to be going through something so unknown and so debilitating. My partner had already got kids and if oftentimes off with their mom dealing with famili stuff or taking care of them which I totally understand and respect and it's something that never bothered me in the slightest. This time around it hit differently, I found out I was pregnant on my own, in the toilet, and as I was freaking out of my mind I had to keep a straight face and continue to work and go through the day until I could finally contact him and make him aware. This time too, we spent the day apart as he was with his kids and I didn't meet him until the next day by night. I basically went through the anxiety and fear of being pregnant on my own not knowing what to do. A few days later I got a negative test, and then another one and then another one. At first, I was only focused about going through it, being done with it and ending a pregnancy that I knew I couldn't carry on with for several reasons. I was also alone when I got those negative tests and continued to be while I walked to the hospital to get checked. It was all nerve-wracking, excruciatingly painful to walk on my own, sit down on my own and have no physical support with me whatsoever. The walk to the tube station, the walk to the hospital, the call from the midwife that confirmed a chemical pregnancy, having to go back to work straight after and continuing to live life as if that never happened. I know I said that I didn't want the pregnancy and while I was "going through it" I was too immersed in trying to understand what was happening to my and my body to really sit down and process the fact that regardless of weather I wanted it or not, I still experienced a loss. A loss that left me before I had the chance to even really have it. And now, as I'm sitting down bleeding, having the worst bled of my life, I can really understand how this body that created a life also lost it. I feel powerless, empty, violated even, I felt like I've been stripped away from my sense of identity and catapulted into a reality I never wanted to be a part of. I feel like these sort of experiences should either strengthen or could totally destroy your bond with your partner and I feel like that is me. I feel stupid for even saying it but we both contributed to it, it takes two to tango, although I felt like I was mainly dealing with it on my own.
I feel like I'll never be able to be the same person I was before and maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe I'm being dramatic but that's how I feel and I don't know what else to do to cope with this grief