I suffered a early pregnancy miscarriage (before 12 weeks) back in August. It was unplanned but certainly not unwanted (by me)
I have PCOS and after many years of trying with my ex husband (including hospital intervention etc) I fell pregnant naturally with my partner of 2 years following on from my divorce.
Having a child was something I'd mentioned when I started my relationship with my new partner and touched on my prior fertility issues, however it wasn't discussed in great detail due to the minefield that is PCOS as well as it being a relatively new relationship at the time. I just felt honesty was the best policy from the start.
Whilst on a holiday following on from some unusual symptoms I took a test and could have fainted when It came back a blazing positive. I stood in the bathroom for what felt like a lifetime. Messaging my closest friend, trying not to freak out, not knowing how to tell my partner.
Upon telling him his response was not what I wanted/expected. He was less than happy and made it clear that he was not ready for the changes that would come with a child. He felt that given what I'd told him regarding my fertility issues that it wasn't something that would come up without actively 'trying'.
I was devastated but made it clear that I would be going forward with the pregnancy but completely understood if he wanted to take a backseat and I'd never hold it against him.
Fast forward a couple of months and a scan appointment with a heartbeat and everything began to feel so real. Right or wrong I decided to tell close family and friends, I was met with nothing but pure joy and love. I felt like I'd never felt before, it was magic. I'd wanted this more than anything.
A couple of weeks later I noticed my symptoms drop (boobs stopped hurting where as before they were SO sore), I had a bad headache that lasted a few days and my tummy hurt. I was sent to the hospital on my own and attended a special unit for pregnancy and a scan confirmed my worst fear. There was no longer a heartbeat and growth had stopped. Surgery was opted and scheduled for 3 days time as the idea of going to sleep and waking up with it all 'being over' seemed the less distressing.
My body had other ideas and the following night my cramps worsened and bleeding started followed by passing my pregnancy about an hour later. I knew it had happened and I sat in the bathroom, got myself together and went back to bed. In the morning I confirmed the loss to my partner but didn't make a big deal out of it - to save his awkwardness.
I sent a message to everyone I'd told the following day explaining that the pregnancy wasn't successful but that I was grateful my body had done what it should have done and no medical intervention was needed (although I'd obviously rather have not experienced it.) I was met with sympathy and some unfortunate replies which I'm sure was meant with good intentions but less than welcomed ("It wasn't a baby just yet" and "Better now than later on" - not that I disagree, but it felt like it was playing my pregnancy down)
My reason for this post is because since my miscarriage I've had a number of friends have babies of their own, the most recent being a friend who was only a couple of weeks out from when my pregnancy would have been due.
She reached out to tell me last night and for the first few seconds I had the "Awww new baby" happiness for her but this was very very quickly met with the realisation of the dates and feeling like I was staring at what would have been.
I could feel my throat burning and my eyes welling and with my partner looking over my shoulder to see the message he rubbed my back with the understanding of why I was upset but then proceeded to discuss the tv programme we had on. I felt like I needed someone to just cry to, explain, be vulnerable and bitter and not judged for it but I couldn't think of a single person. Why? Because I feel so ashamed.
I feel ashamed about my miscarriage, I feel ashamed about my emotions surrounding it and everyone else's pregnancy, I feel ashamed about how desperate I am to try again but being put in a position where my partner who now knows I'm capable of falling pregnant (even if not successful) has decided he doesn't want a family any time soon. I feel ashamed talking about it when on the rare occasion it comes up, like I find myself brushing it under the carpet like "Yep, its sad but it just wasn't supposed to be" and moving on quickly from the topic. Not because I don't want to talk about it but because in reality the person standing opposite me doesn't want to deal with the reality of how devastating it was/is.
Does it ever go away? Will only another pregnancy help me cope with the loss of my last?
I almost feel expecting of another miscarriage should I be fortunate again to fall pregnant, It doesn't scare me or put me off. What scares me more than anything is the not giving myself the chance to find out. At nearing 36 I feel as if time isn't on my side, especially with PCOS and the possibility of miscarriages.
I guess I'm just looking for understanding. A blanket of united women just coming together to just hug me for a moment.
Perhaps I just needed to explain. I'm not sure if any of this makes any sort of sense. Sorry.