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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

how many times do you mc before giving up?

21 replies

funbags · 09/02/2008 00:09

having no 2 in 4 months, not confirmed yet but I am quite sure. i dont know if i can do this again. kept telling myself lightening doesn't strike twice - should have known better. I've been blessed with one DD so things could be worse, but its just so painful. I am wondering if the traumatic labour and delivery I had with DD might be the cause of this, but have no idea really. Feeling extra guilty as mum going thru breast cancer and really ropey and now i have to tell her its all gone wrong, just not sure I can put everyone thru this once more by trying again.

OP posts:
stuffitall · 09/02/2008 00:14

so sorry for what you are going through and the hurt
the hardest thing is doctors don't really investigate until it's three consecutive, or so it was when i was having mine, because they say it happens so often. But the emotional pain is so terrible.

i've had three altogether including in between births. I just kept going.

maybe someone can come along with more experience soon
does it help to say don't give up? wish I had more to offer xx

kindersurprise · 09/02/2008 00:15

So sorry to read that you are having a m/c. And that your mum is so ill.

Please do not feel guilty about telling your mum, it is not your fault. It is a shitty thing to happen, but there is no blame to be assigned.

I had 2 m/c, before I went on to have 2 DCs. I said at the time that I would try again 2 more times as I know that they do not investigate until you have 3 m/cs. So, my reasoning was, if it does happen again then I get everything checked out then try once more.

Thankfully I never had to put this to the test.

Have you spoken to your doctor or a counsellor about the traumatic birth of your DD?

funbags · 09/02/2008 00:41

thanks you for your kindness it has given me a bit of a boost before bed. The EPC where I live is quite good so I will ask them about whether having dd has a bearing on this or not. Its funny no one talks about this in real life but web pages are full of people like me pouring their hearts out, at least we have this - god knows what our mothers did. Night night and thank you for your good wishes I'm sure it I'll look diffrent in the morning. x

OP posts:
juuule · 09/02/2008 11:38

My mum had a saying that 'if you throw enough mud at a wall, some of it will stick'. That thought got me through my m/c and subsequent ttc. I also went with the idea that if I got to 3 consecutive m/c then there would be medical investigations started. If I never got the 3-in-a-row then obviously I'd be happy.
I had 8 m/cs but I also had 9 successful pregnancies.
It's very upsetting and only you know when you would give up. I knew that I wouldn't, but then I never had 3 m/c in a row so I had the reward of a baby. I have twice had 2 consecutive m/c before a successful pregnancy.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

scotlass · 09/02/2008 17:45

Hi funbags. i'm in the same ship as you. A DD of 8 and 2 mc in the last year (1st baby woul've been due next week .

I don't think the labour would've been the reason but you should ask the EPC.

I was so to find out at 11+ weeks that lightening had indeed stuck twice and have spent the last 2 weeks generally being pissed off with the world and having totally off the wall irrational thoughts .

However as kindersuprise put it at least with 3 they will check us out and then I'll feel that we've tried as much as we can.

I change my mind daily as to how many times I can go through this terrible time but there's loads of people who have posted on MN that have had quite a few and then have conceived. You'll know the answer in your own heart I'm sure. I'm so sorry it has happened to you - ((((((((hugs((((((((

Oblomov · 09/02/2008 18:01

I had a mc in nov, dh says he can't go through it again. I have seen Juuule's posts before and am astonished and in awe of her bravery.

stuffitall · 09/02/2008 18:05

it's hard for the husbands too, they feel so bewildered and helpless but they have to be "rocks" for us

OracleInaCoracle · 09/02/2008 18:09

i have just had my 7th mc (also had an ep last feb) in 2.5y. its tough, and im just considering giving up, but i dont know how to. you are still hurting, its still very raw. go easy on yourself and talk to dp as much as possible. you need each other at the momnet xx

squilly · 09/02/2008 21:12

I had 3 mcs before my DD was born....and that was after lots of investigations. I thought it would never happen. Every time I had an MC I booked a holiday. Had some fab times away, and promised myself a sportscar if it never happened (the baby thing that is).

Now, when 7yo DD plays up, I tell her...'you were so nearly a sports car!' LOL!!! (I also tell her every day how much I love her and how much she means to me so please don't think she comes in for too much stick!).

I had one mc after her, when she was just due to start school. I'd hoped she'd be getting a bro or sis, but sadly, it wasn't to be. And I'd had enough at that point.

It helps that I'm in my 40's, though, so the higher risks involved make me more able to rationalise not trying again.

It's hard...only you can decide if it's worth the trouble. I feel for you and hope that you don't have to go through any more MCs before you get your DC.

berolina · 09/02/2008 21:20

I had mc, then ds1, then 2 consecutive mc (in consecutive cycles), then ds2.

A dear friend of mine has recently miscarried for the second time within three months ; she has a ds.

It is sadly common to have two consecutive mcs, and a lot more likely to be down to chance than three, which is why three is considered recurrent.

I'm very sorry for your losses. And lissie I don't know what to say.

soph28 · 09/02/2008 21:22

I'm sorry for what you're going through. A friend had 5 miscarriages in a row this year and is now 6 mths pg and everything fine.

Hope this gives you some encouragement to keep trying and not give up. Miscarriages are VERY common and they certainly don't mean you will not be able to have a baby.

evenhope · 09/02/2008 21:29

I had a missed mc in Aug 2005 then another one in Feb 2006. DH didn't want to try again (we already had 4 grownup children and the first conception was out of the blue). While we were trying to decide whether to try again nature took over and our DD was born in March 2007.

I think I might have given up after a 3rd but can't say for sure.

Nemoandthefishes · 09/02/2008 21:35

FUNBAGS I had 2 mcs then hgot pg with ds, then had a missed mc before having dd1 then when she was 3mths got pg with dd2. Please dont give up hope. Maybe due to your circumstances now is too stressful a time.

Gemzooks · 09/02/2008 21:51

funbags, am in same boat, have one DS, have had 2 m/c in the last 4 months, one at 6 weeks, one at 12 weeks. I've spoken to a lot of people in real life who have had similar and all went on to have more healthy children.. was it recent? please give yourself time and tlc, it is very hard and sending you virtual hugs!

justjules · 09/02/2008 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squilly · 10/02/2008 09:15

justjules....Congrats! I hope everything goes well 4 u. It's horrid going thru this 3 times b4 anyone will look at why, but it usually sorts things out.

If I was religious, I'd pray 4 u, but as I'm not I'll just hope the karma thing balances out and u get the precious dc you've worked so hard 4.

funbags · 10/02/2008 12:52

Hi everyone thank you so much for your kindness and support. Knowing other people are going thru the same thing and are not giving up, and others who have gone though a lot worse and made it through is a massive, massive help so thank you for taking the time to post.
I went to the EPC today to get it confirmed and it was truly awful. Whole consultation lasted less than 1 minute. Nurse does not tell me who she is or ask whats happend before or this time. All she does is opens my HCG result from Friday and turns to me and says "you dont need to be here" me, "why not?" Nurse, "with a HCG of 4 you are not pregnant" Me, "but I have done 3 positive tests" nurse, "well it must be a complete miscarrage then, would you like a leaflet?" me "no" (runs out of room/hospital sobbing into DP's coat). I''m so pissed off. Still have not told mum yet on account of her cat getting run over yesterday, and to top it all off spend 3 hours on kiddie A&E last night as DD popped her elbow out. I feel like I am living in a Mike Leigh film. Dp being nice and kind and DSister unusually diplomatic. I think I might get singned off sick for a day or two to regain my composure though.x

OP posts:
Oblomov · 10/02/2008 16:00

Oh funbags, I am so sorry that you were treated so awfully. What a disgrace, to be so insensitive at such a terrible time. I am so sorry.
I too was treated very badly by my local hospital - i was at Kings but transfered to local for the ERPC - what a mistake.
I so understand.
Big hugs to you.
I hope that you can go back to... say your GP, and get some proper support.

kindersurprise · 10/02/2008 19:55

So sorry to hear that you were treated so badly by the nurse. That was unprofessional and very badly done.

Yes, do go and get signed off for a week or so if you can. I did that after my 2nd m/c and it really helped me. I basically had time to rethink my life, and changed a lot of things afterwards. I do think that the time I took to heal helped me cope when I did get pregnant 6mths later.

oinker · 12/02/2008 21:14

I have been asking myself this question for a while now...............

I am on pregnancy number 7. Have had 6 m/c's.

i am only 5weeks pregnant at the moment and have lost all at about 6 to 7 weeks....

Last pregnancy was in August. Beanie had a slow hb and eventually it stopped...

I want someone to tell me to stop.... I am 40 this year..... I have been doing this now for nearly 4 years...........

I wish I had an answer.......

smilesattheweekend · 13/02/2008 13:08

Hi funbags - I hope you are feeling better. I had 6 years of trying to have a baby, two miscarriages and then got pg but again I bled quite alot though the pg up to 16 weeks but went on to have a fab boy, now 4. Last year I go pg which was quite a surprise given how long it had taken before, had a scan at 7 weeks, saw heartbeat, but then lost it all that pm. I got pg again quite soon but lost that one too. I felt like i couldn't possibly go through all the heartache again and had given myself some "time off", 4 mc is hard to cope with but I now feel ready to try again. I was under the recurrent miscarriage clinic but the consultant was dismissive of anything I said and I have only had one blood test done. I know what will be will be and have to have faith that my body will soon give in to me and allow me the chance to be a mummy again and give DS a little sibling. Have just decided to take it all as it comes (otherwise I will end up in the loony bin!

Like Oinker - I have wondered if I should stop, but hey we will see what happens.

Big hugs to you and all the other posters XX


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