Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

Sister pregnant - can't help feeling angry

22 replies

wc1epast · 06/02/2023 13:47

Last week, my sister announced she was pregnant - 1 month after my second MC and on the year anniversary of the due date of my 1st MC. She was only 7 weeks. I want to be happy for her but I can only feel anger, as my loss is so close and I feel she could have waited until 12 weeks when it would have been less close to my losses. Am I right to feel this way? I've been having a lot of issues with mental health and occasional suicidal thoughts related to my MCs

OP posts:

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 06/02/2023 13:57

You feel how you feel and it's not unreasonable for you to be upset about your loss and heartbroken about your babies.

It's also not unreasonable for your sister to be happy about her pregnancy and to share her news with her family.

I think because you are upset and because her news is what you so desperately want to be your news, no matter when she announced it, it would have been bad timing and it would hurt to hear.

Smartiepants79 · 06/02/2023 14:03

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 06/02/2023 13:57

You feel how you feel and it's not unreasonable for you to be upset about your loss and heartbroken about your babies.

It's also not unreasonable for your sister to be happy about her pregnancy and to share her news with her family.

I think because you are upset and because her news is what you so desperately want to be your news, no matter when she announced it, it would have been bad timing and it would hurt to hear.

I agree with this.
Your sister is allowed to be happy and excited about this big life event.
She is allowed to wish to share her news and get the support of her family.
I’m very sorry that you’ve had such a a bad time of it and are struggling but I suspect that there was never going to be a right time for your sister to share this news.
I hope you are getting the help that you need.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 06/02/2023 14:07

I’m so sorry about your losses. I understand why your sister, of all people, being pregnant must really sting. However she is allowed to tell her family when it’s the right time for her. She also deserves the support of her family during pregnancy.

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 06/02/2023 14:08

Hope you can get some support OP.
It's very unlikely anyone else would remember your would have been due date I remember mine from my Miss carriage but don't expect it from others

GiltEdges · 06/02/2023 14:08

I feel she could have waited until 12 weeks when it would have been less close to my losses. Am I right to feel this way?

I think deep down you probably know that you’re not, but grief isn’t necessarily rational.

Whataretheodds · 06/02/2023 14:10

My sympathies - I'm finding it harder after a second loss to feel upset when i see others being pregnant/having babies. I remind myself that i can be happy for them but still feel sad for myself.
Have you listened to the podcast the Worst Girl Gang Ever? They talk about some of these ugly feelings.

fedup2010 · 06/02/2023 14:36

really sorry you are feeling this way, it's unbelievably hard. But I am not sure it would be any easier for you to hear your sister is pregnant in 5 weeks time...After I had my first miscarriage my sister fell pregnant. It was awful for me to hear, but she was amazing with me and delivered her happy news in appropriately delicate way. Now, 6 miscarriages down the line for me, I admit it is harder and harder to hear friend/family member is pregnant. You can't control your feelings, you don't need to be happy for her... Feeling will settle and Your time will come I am sure...

Tabitha888 · 06/02/2023 14:39

It's the kindest way possible, this is about you. She's only 7 weeks, anything can happen. Try and be there for her good and bad

Quitelikeit · 06/02/2023 14:41

Focus on healing and looking after yourself instead of others

Comparison truly is the thief of joy

I am sorry for your losses but your sisters life journey is entirely separate from what has happened on your journey and it’s not wise to link the two together

Echobelly · 06/02/2023 14:42

I'm sorry you're finding this hard, but as others have said, not even family will remember, if they even knew in the first place, your previous due date. It will loom large in your life, at least for now, but it's not a feature in other people's. And you're not being unreasonable or horrible; grief can make things hard like that. Hoping you find some comfort soon. X

tortiecat · 06/02/2023 14:49

You are completely entitled to feel the way you feel and I am so sorry for your losses It's incredibly cruel how the world keeps turning and how other people are fortunate when you are suffering. You can't force yourself to feel happy for someone else but, if you are close to your sister, acknowledge to yourself that your anger is displaced (but for your situation, you would feel fine with her announcement) and be the bigger person and be kind. I hope she treats you with sensitivity. May you have joy in your life going forward

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 06/02/2023 15:04

Neither of you are in the wrong. You're allowed to feel how you feel, and your sister is allowed to feel how she feels.

I would honestly look at therapy lovely, I've had a lot of losses some early some very late and therapy was a god send for me. Sending you big hugs.

buttercupboots · 06/02/2023 15:17

I'm sorry for your loss.

Having suffered loss myself, I would have had the empathy to wait until 12 weeks (or beyond) to tell the family. In my experience, time did actually help, and 5 weeks can make a difference in where you are at in your healing journey.

Feelings of anger are natural, but please try not to pass this on to your sister. I'd probably just avoid being around her for a little while, and the family if they will be talking a lot about her pregnancy. You need to do what is best for you and your recovery!

maddy68 · 06/02/2023 15:19

It's understandable that you are so upset. It's still very raw. But your sisters not shouldnt be affected by your loss. They are both huge events

At least be excited for her in front of her

SuperHandss · 06/02/2023 15:23

Much love OP. So many feel like you in these situations.

I don’t think the pregnant person could do anything to change how you feel, even by waiting longer, but it’s ok to be angry at the situation. It can feel unfair and cruel through no fault of anyone’s.

I hope you have someone close you can unload onto and perhaps have a bit of breathing space from your sister.

Vallmo47 · 06/02/2023 15:26

Sorry for your losses OP. I can only relate it to how I feel around people whose mums are alive and around triggering days such as Mother’s Day and similar. It’s really difficult to watch people doing day to day things when you’d cut your arm off to see your own mum again. I am even jealous of people bickering with their mothers! It’s a horrible feeling but I do remind myself a) I don’t want their mums, I want MY mum (so you don’t want your sisters pregnancy, you want your own) and b) it’s no one else’s fault that my mum died and theirs did not. We all have things that upset us. One thing I did was to have a little word and explain to people when I needed some time to myself. I literally said “it’s not your fault my mum died, I certainly wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone else. But I must admit it’s quite hard seeing you with your mum and/or hearing you speak about it. So sometimes you might see me taking a step back/leaving the situation. Please know it’s nothing you’ve done, I am just hurting right now. Thank you for understanding”.

Time, OP. Time is what you need. You will learn how to cope with all of these triggers, but it’s not a fast fix. ♥️

beansmeanz · 06/02/2023 15:26

Allow yourself a little while to come to terms with your sisters pregnancy. Its only natural your feelings are all over the place right now. Don't say anything you may regret. In time hopefully you will feel the joy for her and for yourself. PS it may seem like forever trying for a baby, but before you know it it could happen for you also. take it easy.

Rainraingoaway21 · 06/02/2023 15:35

Sorry for your losses OP. It must be so hard.

I told family when I was about 6/7 weeks pregnant purely because I was so sick and it was becoming obvious. Maybe that is why your sister has too?

Starlightstarbright1 · 06/02/2023 15:36

I won't repeat what others have said. Remember she also is probably having some anxiety about loss..its something that happened to her Sister recently..

She needs support too.

Sorry for your loss.

Aria2015 · 06/02/2023 15:49

I know your pain. I remember being inconsolable when my brother and his wife told me they were expecting. I was happy for them, but felt so sorry for myself.

Although I don't think your sister has done anything 'wrong' per se, I will say that it would have been perhaps more sensitive of her to wait until a bit longer. She's not obliged to of course but I had friends and family who got pregnant when I was in the hell of my miscarriages and none of them rushed to tell me, they all knew I'd find it hard. I really appreciated the sensitive way they dealt with it. I was only every outwardly happy for them, but on the inside it was so hard.

You can't unring a bell though and she's told you now. Hopefully she'll be sensitive in how she handles things. While she should have every opportunity to be excited etc... I'm sure she has lots of people she can talk all things baby and pregnancy with other than you and hopefully that's what she does and you can focus on healing from your losses.

ScrantonDunderMifflin · 06/02/2023 18:35

You have my full sympathy OP 🌸🌸
Was your sister aware of your losses and did she acknowledge them in any way recently when announcing her pregnancy to you?

indieray · 08/02/2023 20:34

@wc1epast I could have written your post !!
My sister announced she was pregnant recently too at 11 weeks! I had 3 miscarriages last being last year and she sent me a photo of a scan sayin baby due xx date. What I wud have sent is 'I'm pregnant I no it's hard for u but i hope u are ok @ as be excited as we are'
That's being sensitive and kind about someone else feelings, but like u I had nothing. We aren't close so that's why. I get it's about her and her baby as with yours but it's the lack of sensitivity towards the other grieving party. I hope u are ok and taking care of yourself

Flip