Relationship after a miscarriage. Please help, a kind soul. It’s a long post :(

[SunflowerStars]

I’ve been seeing a guy for well over a year which I thought was heading in a really good direction.

I found out I was pregnant on the 3rd December and I was so scared of telling him due to the fear of how he would react. He’s got a 6 year old daughter who he absolutely adores, she is his world and it hurts him that he can’t be with her every day. I am a very understanding person and I respect that she will always be his number one priority. He doesn’t want to introduce me to her as it’s a huge thing for him, which I also respect.

I told him and the news it shocked him, but he took it better than expected, we discussed over and over what we would do, there was always the option of abortion if he didn’t feel comfortable but he didn’t want that. I think we both got carried away which I believe is easy to do, making plans for the future, how we would tell his daughter and how amazing next Christmas would be all together as a family.
“2023 is the year we all come together baby or no baby” so he said, that reassured me so much that everything was going to be okay. This would have been my first child and my first pregnancy and eventually, my first miscarriage.

I’d experienced some light bleeding which I was concerned about, I self referred myself to the early pregnancy unit for a scan just to check everything was okay. He kept reassuring me everything would be fine, a lot of women experience bleeding during pregnancy.

They phoned me back to book an appointment on the 23rd December, which I agreed to and then had to cancel as he didn’t want the news to affect his Christmas with his daughter. He didn’t want to be upset and ruin it for her if the news was bad. Which I understood. So I phoned them back and re booked it for a date he could attend. 29th December.

We went through Christmas I saw him on Christmas Day as he didn’t have his daughter, I was in a lot of pain and discomfort still so I wasn’t feeling my normal happy self, but we watched a movie and did presents etc.

He then had his daughter all throughout Boxing Day and a few days after, I was still in a lot of pain and discomfort which was starting to concern me. His daughter went home on the 28th so I went round to see him, he was taking down all the Christmas decorations being very busy and productive, I just felt really unwell. I told him my concerns he said just wait until tomorrow and we will know what’s going on.

He then had a phone call from a guy he works with who’s car had broken down so he was unable to work tomorrow… I knew what was coming.. “Im not going to be able to make it” disappointed but me being me, okay sure.

He hardly slept that night, and I don’t think he actually went to work until the afternoon, my appointment was at 9am at the hospital.

I went off to my scan, alone, sat in the waiting room, I think I was the only person who was alone. It really upset me. Unfortunately the news was what I dreaded, an internal ultrasound showed no joy. My heart broke into a million tiny little pieces. I had my bloods done and was told to come back 48 hrs and swiftly was escorted out the back entrance. I couldn’t pull myself together.

I looked at my phone after hearing nothing from him all morning, it was just a message saying “let me know what is said, good luck xxxx”

First thing I did was send him a voice note; “I’m sorry there’s no sign of baby, I am absolutely devastated I really hoped everything was going to be okay”

I got the most bland reply from him at home (I could tell, the cat was meowing) “so no baby, what’s going on then? Is it a miscarriage or a phantom pregnancy, I don’t know what’s going on”

I replied to him what was discussed with the nurses and how I had to go back for more blood tests and I won’t hear much until the 3rd January due to the bank holidays. And if I’m honest I didn’t get much back, not what I needed to hear anyway.

I sat in the car park for a while just thinking how upsetting this really is, I needed to let it all sink in before the drive home. But I felt so angry that he could have come with me.

I didn’t hear anything from him until the afternoon, despite me saying that I hope he is okay, it’s a lot for me to process but it’s also a lot for him to process too. I said I just really hope that it doesn’t come between us, that in time we are able to return back to our happy selves concentrate on what we enjoyed doing before all this and never say never, it may happen one day.

It was then dropped on me that he can’t give me what I want, we are both at different stages in our lives and me wanting kids is the only thing that stands in our way. He shouldn’t have allowed this to happen, he is a dad first and he didn’t feel the same as how he did when his ex was pregnant with his daughter. It felt different and he didn’t like the way it made him feel.

I told him that what he just said to me, was my biggest fear if something went wrong with the baby, that it’s something I really didn’t want to hear and I knew in my gut he felt different. I couldn’t imagine him missing out on any of your daughters scans when her mum was pregnant.

I then got 3 voice notes from him which were complete rants - he can’t be my shoulder to cry on, he’s emotionally unavailable to anyone else other than his daughter, my ex was so calm throughout pregnancy, she’d done it all before she said “I’ve got this” and he was just a passenger, I just don’t want a baby I don’t want a relationship…. And then they were all un-sent so I couldn’t listen to them. I sent a voice note back saying “I was just half way through the first one and you un-sent them all, it is okay, it’s really okay I understand you need time to process everything!” The last one he sent was that he needs time to think, don’t talk to me. So I left it.

I got a voice note in the morning saying I’m sorry, I just can’t handle having another baby. He does love me (he’s never said that before) he doesn’t want it to be final for us but the only thing that gets in our way is the fact he can’t give me what I want. (I don’t even know what I want if I’m honest. So how does he know what I want?) and he apologised for upsetting me

I very much put him straight by saying look at the facts, I was so happy before all of this. It wasn’t planned, I’d never baby trap you in any way. I reassured you 100 times that we don’t have to go through with it, I’m happy as we are. You are the one that wanted to go ahead with it, when I found out I was pregnant I didn’t even want to tell you. That’s how against it I was and we got excited about the prospect of us all coming together, the more I sat with the idea the more I thought “we can do this!” I told him I had passed the baby and it was absolutely heartbreaking holding the little thing in the palm of my hand that I couldn’t go through something like this again, I am physically, mentally and emotionally in the worst pain.

No reply for 2 days.

“Happy new year! Hope you are feeling a bit better? Xxxx”

I told him how much pain I was in, I thought I’d feel less uncomfortable now I’d passed the baby, placenta & sac however I’m still in a lot of discomfort and how I felt really really sad. I was on cloud 9 before Christmas and I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down.

“You’re looking at it like it was a baby, it wasn’t a baby it was a way too early, to me it wasn’t a baby. I’ve not thought about it much if I’m honest because it was so short lived, it wasn’t a baby. “

“It makes me so grateful that there were no complications with my daughter , because life is a precious thing. My daughters mum was bumped in the belly with a tyre swing at work and I’m just so grateful everything was okay”

he then went on to say he’s not paying much thought into it because he doesn’t have to, it was never a sure thing for him. One of the worst things I apparently did was get carried away (I don’t think I did but yeah..) with my mental health and his mental health problems he doesn’t think we would of made good parents as we would have been too “one way” apparently you need the perfect balance and we wouldn’t of coped. He’s not going to bare it too much thought and it won’t be something that will be remembered. The reason he has not spoke to me for 2 days is because it’s not something he wants to pay a lot of thought into, as selfish as that seems he is a dad first. It was not something that was planned, certainly not something that was well received and it’s not something he 100% wanted. He didn’t like the way it made him feel and it wasn’t the same as he felt with his daughter. To conclude he said I’m not glad the baby disappeared but I’m also not glad it’s still there and If you were to ask me if I think it’s for the best that it’s gone, I’d say yeah. I’ve already got my daughter so I guess I don’t have the same feelings towards it as you do, I just don’t like talking about it, I don’t like thinking about it, it’s just something that needs to be got over and the bigger deal you make out of it, the more it will effect you …

I cried and I cried, I just had no words, I couldn’t reply. I spent the evening going over and over it in my head I just can’t believe this is happening. Why do I love this guy?

I’m really angry, I see what he posts on Facebook comments about how no female wants him, how he can’t do the whole family thing so he’ll take having less free time for more sanity.

I immediately feel threatened? Why? I have no clue. So me being me, I send him this:

“Hey love, sorry I really couldn’t reply to all that last night. I was too upset. If it brings you comfort saying it wasn’t a baby then that’s okay, I however it was 9 1/2 weeks and I saw it with my own eyes and feel slightly different towards it as it hand tiny little arms and tiny little legs. I’m not going to talk about it anymore, I believe everyone processes and deals with things in different ways I just wanted to apologise for putting you through stress. I don’t know if I was completely oblivious throughout but I really thought you were up for trying to start with, I’m just sorry you didn’t feel like you could talk to me about it as I am a very understanding person and really I don’t think either of us were sure. All I know is before all this happened I was so happy and I believe you were too, I hope you were anyway. I really like you a lot and I accept you and the situation you are in with your daughter and I don’t believe I have ever made you doubt that. I don’t know where your head is at with me and you right now but I know I still have strong feelings for you and I do believe that I do love you and I just hope in time we can enjoy each others company again. I’m not expecting anything from you, not a child, a home or even a relationship if you don’t want to. I just feel like we were really happy and enjoyed each others company and I feel like I kinda ruined that which is what I feel so guilty about, I wish I could go back in time and do it differently, but unfortunately I can’t. So really I understand if you don’t want to continue seeing me I just really hope you do. It’s a lesson learnt and it’s something that will make me grow stronger as a person. I just really hope you can give me another chance. But if you can’t I really understand. I do love you and I can’t stress enough how much I don’t want this to come between us I am happy and I was really happy before all this happened. I’d just like to try and move past it.”

No reply….Why.did.I.bother?!

I am really disappointed, heartbroken, angry and grieving. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, I don’t know why I am the way I am.. if a friend told me they’d sent their partner that after what he’s put me through, I’d be shocked! So why?????

I’m going through therapy, CBT. I’m on 150mg of sertraline. Life has been so unkind to me, even before all this, all I’ve known is pain and loss of loved ones. I just feel like I am destined to not be happy. This has been the worst Christmas.

I just want someone to love me and tell me everything’s going to be okay.

If you got to the end of this, I salute you. Sometimes you just need to let it all out anonymously.

Hey, I can’t believe nobody has replied yet. Maybe they are asleep. I think he sounds like he is very emotionally unavailable and he must have low empathy if he can’t appreciate that you need support after going through a miscarriage.

I do think it sounds like it would be stressful to be with him if he treats you like this. I hope it’s not too harsh to say but I think you’re better off without him. Do you have any supportive girlfriends to talk to about the miscarriage? I think you need to process this event and you need emotional support for that.

Thank you for replying. It means so much to me. Sadly I don’t have any friends and I’ve lost a lot of my family members so I only have my mum and she doesn’t know what to do with me lol at 29 years old it’s safe to say I feel totally alone. I feel like I’m having to deal with heartbreak on top of grief. My next therapy session isn’t until next week, she’s going to have a shock I was on cloud 9 last time we spoke, amazing how life can change so quickly. But thank you so much for replying, it means a lot.

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry for what you are having to deal with right now, be kind to yourself, one day at a time. there are support groups that you can join online to help you process your loss but it's such early days and honestly your partner sounds far too selfish and self obsessed to offer you any support. This is a funny time of year too, things will look brighter in the near future, you'll see

@lookoutkid Thank you for your kindness, the days just seem really long and I don’t know what to do with myself 😥I’ve just been sleeping through a lot of it so I don’t have to think about it. Yeah I am so unbelievably disappointed. I understand people process things differently but I am really struggling and he’s back to normal already chatting away online and won’t acknowledge my existence

Hi, no problem. You’ve been through a lot, maybe talking on here will help. I’m so sorry he has mistreated you, he sounds really callous. At least he has shown his true colours now and not after you’d been with him for years.

It might be too early for me to say this as you may not be ready to hear it but you’re still very young and there is plenty of time to meet a better man and hopefully build whatever kind of family you want. The miscarriage is a tragedy and I can’t imagine how you must feel. I would definitely say to discuss it with your counsellor because they may have specialist training in that topic and would be likely to be able to really help you.

I have a hard time with family too and I do find that posting online helps if I have a problem. People online are quite helpful and I find that the semi-anonymity of it helps me to talk freely.

Honestly, I have no words. At the moment your hormones are all over the place, you're grieving your sad and exhausted, but in time you'll feel better than you do right now. I promise that you will.

I know you're lonely, but this relationship, this man....just no! You apologised to him...why? What for? You have lost a baby, and his response is to tell you it wasn't a baby, he's got his daughter, his ex was better at dealing with things? Sweetheart he's a bastard, a selfish, self centred, cold bastard and you deserve so much more than him.
Please block him, I know it's hard, but your mental health will never improve until you get away and realise how toxic this all is. My heart breaks for you, you're young, you've a lifetime of happiness ahead just please don't think this is what you're worth because it's truly not.

I totally agree with user “Haveyoubrushedyourteeth”. Beautifully put.

I am so sorry you lost your baby and you have had to deal with this fuckwit.

You will be able to unpick all of this with your therapist, I hope- but the cloud nine you were on was a complete illusion. The man you are seeing (were seeing?) is emotionally unavailable and extremely selfish. Cruel too. There would have been no happy family with this man, as his true colours would have shown at some point.

He has demonstrated what he would be like in a crisis and it is tragic that you have had to go through this to see that.

please do not interpret what I am saying as ‘you have had a lucky escape’ or anything of that sort. I am so sorry that you didn’t get to have your baby and build a great life together without this waste of space.

Please do not contact him again and consider this over. He doesn’t deserve to be in your life. He certainly has painted himself to be a passionate, dedicated dad to his DD but seeing how he’s acted, I‘d imagine his odious personality contributed to the breakup of his family.

I'm so sorry you have gone through all this.

But please, please, please stop apologising to him! You haven't done anything wrong. He has acted like a complete arsehole and you deserve so much more.

Let this one go, he won't make you happy.

Firstly, I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through. I myself have had multiple miscarriages and nothing prepares you for the grief you feel when it happens, even if it wasn't a planned pregnancy. Secondly, you are way too selfless! You seem like a truly lovely girl but you need to put yourself first more, especially right now. Your partner is being totally selfless, immature and insensitive. Regardless of whether he was prepared for or wanted another baby, he should have supported you throughout your miscarriage instead of dumping his emotional baggage on you when you are especially vulnerable and needing support. I hope you find someone who will treat you as their first priority and will always be there to support you, because you absolutely deserve that.

your partner is being totally selfish

I’m echoing the above support and I’m sorry you went through this.

this man is not the one for you. It is possible to love your kids and your partner, but is this the kind of man you want in your life when the going gets tough? You need to feel safe and supported and he can’t or won’t make that for you. Ditch him and find a man who worships you. This man can’t give you what you deserve. And yes you do deserve kindness and safety and consideration. You really do.

sorry for your miscarriage.
what i noted is you didnt need to apologize to him (and you did so many times), he should be comforting you.
putting his daughter first is ok but his seems to be over the top with all the references about his ex, her pregnancy, etc. etc.
of course no female will want him.
he is not a good man, not good for you.
take care of yourself and block him as pp said, you will be having a lucky escape.

So, so sorry for your loss

PP are right. He should not be making you feel you need to apologise. The fact that he isn’t there comforting you is just awful. It’s so much to go through all at once. I’m glad you have therapy in place already.

Wow guys thank you so much. You are all angels. I really didn’t expect anyone to read through all that so to take the time to reply means the world. Yes I’m very selfless, I’m currently working with my therapist for low self esteem issues. I’ve taken some time off work this week, I’m going to bury my baby up with my dad at the cemetery. Just in a little flower pot, so I’ll have somewhere to go. I’ve still not heard from my (ex?) partner and if I’m honest I’m not sure I will. Absolutely breaks my heart. Lots of snuggles with my dog today. Just struggling with eating and sleeping at the mo, still bleeding and having some discomfort. No news back from the hospital. Thank you all again ❤️

All of this. I am so sorry for your loss OP.

Please stop apologising to this man. Honestly you deserve so much more than this.

You’re such a cutie OP. You are so sweet and caring; you’d make a lovely mother one day if that’s what you want. You’ll also make a lovely partner and you need someone who matches you in that regard. This was not your ex!

For now, just get through the discomfort and focus on making memories for your little baby. It sounds like you’re giving them a beautiful burial and it’s healthy that you’ll have a place to go to connect with them. I wish you all the best, you certainly deserve it xxx

Oh @SunflowerStars I'm so sorry for your loss. I have had multiple miscarriages but one of the worst was at 9.5 weeks, it was absolutely a baby, just like yours was. It's a traumatic thing to experience and I think you're better off without the ex if he can't step up to support you emotionally when you're grieving and feeling vulnerable. Absolutely you don't need to apologise to him, you deserve so much more.

@SunflowerStars I'm glad you have a plan with your dad to honour your baby.

As for the shitty ex, you say you don't know whether you'll hear from him. Are you up to taking charge and sending a final message and then blocking? Just something like you don't want to hear from him again without getting into the issues--you know he's never going to give you a good answer and can never justify his cruel and callous behaviour.

I know it’s hard, and am usually for sticking it out, even when difficult, more so than most. In all honestly this man does not care for you. His priority is his living child, which is ok, but definitely do not procreate with this man. You went through something that was really hard and he didn’t support you. What if you had PND, would he say, well my ex didn’t have this so why should you?

You guys are all right 😢 as heartbreaking as it is, it’s shown me his true colours. Before this he was so supportive with me pursuing my own business crafting, he’d do the carpentry and I’d do the art & design of everything, I was honestly so so happy. That’s what’s hurting a lot. My age was thrown into it so much, he's 8 years older than me but I think I have proven my maturity throughout this whole nightmare. I think if this had worked out how I wanted it to, I would be in fear of forever being compared to his ex partner. As previous have stated how would he have reacted if I got post natal depression, or there were further complications with the pregnancy. I just would never of had the support I needed. It’s really difficult coming to terms with when you really do love someone or you love the “idea” of someone. I’ve been on the phone today with a mental health crisis team who are referring it to my gp. I just feel so alone. I don’t feel ready to bury my sweet little Angel baby just yet. But when I do, I’ll feel so much comfort knowing it'll be buried right beside my dad (he was such a kind and caring soul, I know he will look after my little one) ❤️

thank you all for making me feel less crazy, I honestly didn’t know how to react and I am so glad I was able to rant without judgement.

to all of you who have suffered miscarriages I am so so sorry, you truly don’t know or understand the emotional, mental and physical pain until it happens to you. I wish you all nothing but peace, love & happiness.

🌻✨

I was in shock reading that OP.

He sounds like a grade A prick. He sounds very uncaring and obsessed with his ex. Yes he is a dad to his daughter but he was a partner to you and he hasn't cared for you like he should have. If you are your baby as a baby then it was a baby.

What on Earth is he telling you about his ex being hit with a tree swing for ... it's not comparable and you miscarrying is not a reflection on you and her not miscarrying is not a reflection on her.

What is meant for you will not pass you by Op and I'm sure you will get an opportunity to be a mother when you find someone who will care for you properly (and you will!). You are better than being treated like that. Take care of yourself xxx

@SunflowerStars

One hour at a time for now. Rant here when you need to.