Are these feelings normal after miscarriage?

[brisbanelights]

Hi everyone. I have been lurking and reading almost every miscarriage and conception thread to try and find hope but wanted to see if my feelings were normal after a miscarriage. I have one DD, who I am incredibly grateful for.
It was a completely trouble-free pregnancy – looking back I think how smug and naïve I probably was.
DD was born when I was just 33. I then had a miscarriage this summer at around 10 weeks. I had an ERPC followed by a hysteroscopy four weeks later after retained tissue was found.
At the time I was heartbroken but thought I would feel better in time once we were able to try again. However I seem to be feeling worse and worse. I am losing myself on Google and internet forums trying to find stories of hope but also torturing myself with more stories of miscarriages, and diagnosing myself with conditions that will make it impossible to conceive again. I have had several ultrasound scans that are fine – trilaminar lining, the right thickness, good AFC and what I think is an ok AMH of 23 – although I know that doesn’t really tell you anything and I could have developed a problem with my tubes etc. The miscarriage happened just after I turned 35 and I can’t help but feel that was my last chance – even though I know plenty of women have babies after 35 in my mind I just think for me, that was it, I can’t quite explain it. I have been poring over statistics for IVF clinics to know I have a ‘plan b’ – but again, I know that is definitely not a guarantee which is clear from the rates.
It’s now been five cycles/four months which is already longer that it took to conceive my first two pregnancies and now I keep worrying about my age and the fact that the statistics say the majority of people will conceive in the first 3-6 months. It seems so many people conceive so quickly after a miscarriage – for celebrities who have been open about miscarriages, I’ve even started trying to work out how quickly they conceived their following child, and I check the ages of all the pregnancies in the news. I know that no one can say whether I’ll have another child or even conceive again but did anyone else feel like this? Since it happened I’ve become so much more aware of the darkness that many women – and men – have to go through and I know how many people have much, much tougher journeys than me – I am so lucky to already have one child and have had incredible support from family, friends and work.
My heart breaks for everyone that has been through this – this is the first thing in life that has truly devastated me.
If you have made it this far thank you

• sorry for a rather lengthy post!

Yes, I 100% understand and feel the same way. I will say, though, your chances of having a rainbow baby is super high. You've already gotten pregnant more than once and 35 is not "old" - still a few more years. I had a miscarriage of my first pregnancy after years of TTC in 9/2022 (at 37), and have been TTC since. Like you, I can't stop trying to calculate my odds or reading others' stories for some hope. I wish I was 35. I wish I started a family earlier. The thought of no children is just gutting. Wish you all the best, but I am hopeful for you and you should be, too!

I’m writing this message really quickly as on the train. I’m exactly the same. I look throughout this forum for reassuring stories, but mostly they are worse than my experience and I worry myself . I joined lots of FB miscarriage groups and it was just worse so I deleted all of them. I’ve found this great podcast called “the worst girl gang” on Spotify and it helps me greatly to listen to stories of what other women have experienced and eventually had their rainbow babies. I’ve had one chemical, my son, and now 2 recurrent miscarriages. For all these pregnancies I fell pregnant within the first try, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. But now I’m stressing myself out that my body is “broken” and I won’t get pregnant, or that my c section scar has caused this. Im 33 years old and still think it could be because of age regardless of me knowing people who had their first baby at 40. I just think of the worst case scenarios, it’s difficult to think positive in these scenarios but regardless I do still have hope

Hi @brisbanelights wondering how you are getting on as I know this post is now a few months old.

Firstly im so sorry for your loss, I know how painful it can be. Like you I'm searching Mumsnet posts and Google for similar stories to my own looking for positive outcomes. I had my first pregnancy and DD at 33 via IVF. We then started to consider a 2nd in early 2020 but then covid hit and I was too scared to go through treatment again in a pandemic. I then fell pregnant naturally in December 21 at 40! But unfortunately I wasn't very well and we lost the pregnancy at 9 weeks. I then needed an ERPC for retained tissue and was so worried about any damage caused. Fast forward to September 22 and we fell pregnant again!! I was over the moon, another chance, we kept it to ourselves until the first scan at 13 weeks, but my world fell apart again. Our baby had a 10% chance of survival and we had to terminate at 14 weeks for medical reasons. I had retained tissue again and had an ERPC followed two weeks later by a hysteroscopy with myosure. I bled more than expected afterwards and was kept in overnight. It wasn't enough to need a transfusion but enough to be anaemic afterwards.

I'm now so worried about scarring from the procedures, I'm 42 and wonder whether trying again is even a sensible idea ! It's been 3 months since the hysteroscopy, I've had 2 periods, both 6 weeks apart so cycle isn't back on track yet either. Will I be scarred, will I miscarry, will I haemorrhage, I have so many worries and concerns but the grief and loss I feel for my two babies is all consuming. I just want to be pregnant again.

Don't give up hope, 35 is still so young! The consultants told me in January there's no reason why I wouldn't fall pregnant again at 42. I managed it twice naturally in one year between 40 & 41, and that's after IVF 9 years ago! My worry is more staying pregnant, babies health because of my age and delivery.

I wish you all the luck and hope you get your baby very soon xx