Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

Knowing my son wouldn't exist if my other son hadn't died?

12 replies

laterlossmum · 31/12/2022 15:37

I gave birth to my sleeping baby boy at the start of 2022, unexpectedly robbed of his life before it got the chance to begin. It was traumatic and devastating and I think of him every day. I fell pregnant again very quickly, within weeks, and have been blessed with a healthy baby boy.

I lit a candle for my baby born sleeping on Christmas night, and my mum made a comment about how we can't be sad about him because it happened for a reason, and we wouldn't have my baby boy if he had survived. I've not been able to get those words out of my mind since.

Feeling a mixture of sadness and guilt towards both babies to be honest. How do you frame something like this in your head?

OP posts:

rainbowsandmagpies · 31/12/2022 15:43

I'm almost 22 weeks pregnant, I lost a baby the month before we found out we were pregnant with this one. We've had a few losses actually, 7 in total. I'm sad about every single one of them, and I think I always will be. "it's happened for a reason" is an absolute nonsense. You're a mother grieving her child and that is absolutely reasonable. You are capable of more than one emotion at one, even massive ones like grief and gratitude. When this baby is born, I'm going to be so happy he's here, but still so sad the others aren't. It's a complicated joy and that's the reality. I'm so sorry for your loss, and so happy that your baby boy arrived safely. Xx

MolesOnPoles · 31/12/2022 15:43

What a horribly insensitive thing for your mother to have said.

Of course a stillbirth is a terribly sad event. Stupid for her to have said otherwise.

hugs x

bumpyknuckles · 31/12/2022 15:46

Some people find it hard to express their empathy when terrible things happen. They feel like they need to offer advice or say something philosophical. It sounds like your mum is one of those people.

I imagine she didn't really mean much when she said it. She just wanted to say something comforting to you, but hit the wrong note.

Have you received any counselling or mental health support for what happened to you? That would help you to frame things in your head.

Cuppasoupmonster · 31/12/2022 15:48

So sorry for your loss, this last year must have been an emotional rollercoaster. Life, fate, etc is a funny thing - none of us would be here if it wasn’t for the slight action of another or a tiny change in events.

You don’t need to feel there is a ‘reason’ behind any of it, you’ve had the sad loss of your first baby and also the happy birth of your second baby. The two events don’t need to have happened for any ‘higher’ meaning other than just the twists and turns of life.

Congratulations on your boy 💐

Jellycats4life · 31/12/2022 15:49

Your mum is wrong. Maybe she was just trying to ease your pain, but to say you mustn’t grieve your first baby because now you have another… it’s just wrong.

I haven’t lost a child but I do know the feelings around subsequent babies (knowing that they wouldn’t exist had their sibling survived) can be difficult and complex. Have you reached out to Sands? Maybe speaking to mothers who’ve walked in your shoes might help.

DowntonCrabby · 31/12/2022 15:52

She shouldn’t be saying anything remotely resembling how “we” “should” be feeling. She can few how she feels but should be sensitive about it and probably keep bored like that to herself. There’s no should at all, lovely, beyond that you should allow yourself to feel however you feel and those feelings are all valid.
Im so sorry for your loss and congratulations on your new darling.

Hoppinggreen · 31/12/2022 15:52

I am sorry for your loss.
I had a mmc at 12 weeks just over 18 years ago. I then got pg very quickly (too quickly to be honest) with DD and I do sometimes think that I shouldn’t really have her, I should have the baby I lost instead. It’s a bit of a rabbit hole I try not to go down to be honest as while DD is fantastic she does have some MH issues that often make her life difficult- I wonder if my lost baby wouldn’t have had those etc.
But I do love her to bits and in some ways it makes my loss easier when I think that without that I wouldn’t have her.
I hope that makes sense, it doesn’t always to me really!

jackstini · 31/12/2022 15:55

She probably wasn't thinking - technically it's true, but an insensitive thing to point out

I lost 2 between Dd and ds and am aware that if one of them had lived, I wouldn't have him

It's something I have said out loud before too, but only about me and how I feel personally - I would never say it to anyone else

Sorry for your loss and please don't feel guilty enjoying your precious new baby

Derrymum123 · 31/12/2022 15:58

So insensitive. I had a baby 13 months to the day that my daughter was stillborn. Maybe my new baby daughter would not be here, but I can honestly say that thought never crosses my mind. My stillborn daughter is never more than a thought away. I carry that memory every single waking hour.
I would not wish a stillbirth on anyone. It is the saddest day of my life by a country mile. The only thing I can do for her is remember her.
You do what you do and remember it is your loss to remember in any way you see fit.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 16:02

I mc my pfb. Conceived 2 months later. Sorry op I am the same frame of mind as your dm for MY own circumstances..
BUT an early mc which I had is in No WAY the same as a stillbirth.
Sorry for your loss. Your dm has dropped a big clanger here.

caravanbuckie · 31/12/2022 16:03

Reframe this. If you conceived just before/after you did you would have a different child. If a different sperm made it you would have a different child. There are so many factors here, please don't let one insensitive comment upset you.

Ihavehairlikeworzelgummidge · 31/12/2022 16:31

Sorry for your loss OP and congratulations on your baby boy. I lost my Baby boy in February 2010 and had another son, 18 months after my 1st DS died. Please don't let an insensitive comment upset you. Your baby boy will always be carried around in your heart and having another little one will never replace your 1st DS but having another DC to love and cherish. It is just absolutely devastating when you lose a baby. I didn't ever think I would recover from a broken heart and everywhere I went all I could see was newborn babies, pregnant mums, nappy advertisements on the TV. It was endless.
I had insensitive comments thrown at me but it was because they would never understand unless they had walked in our shoes. I sometimes wonder if I would of had my 2nd DS if my 1st DS survived but all I can say, he made my life happy again and I feel very lucky.
My 1st DS would of been turning 13 in a few months and every year since he died, I have always wrote him a Birthday card and put it in his memory box. Doesn't mean I love my other DC's any less but it is my way of keeping his memory alive and apart of our family.

Flip