Multiple losses. No living children.

[She333]

Would love to hear from others in a similar position...

I didn't start TTC until my late 30s, took about 6 months to conceive the first time. Unfortunately lost the pregnancy at 6 weeks, a natural MC and I even carried on going to the office with only a hot water bottle for pain relief.

We were upset, but felt positive that at least we could conceive. Took about a year to fall pregnant again, this time we got as far as having a booking appt with the midwife but an early scan for to spotting showed MMC at 10 weeks, the baby had stopped developing around 7 weeks.

This time I went for medical management. It was horrendous, nobody warned me my body would go into labour. TOTALLY unprepared for the contractions, yes it was very painful but more so it was emotionally excruciating. I'm still so angry that I wasn't told what to expect..."it'll be like a heavy period". No. It wasn't. The loss wasn't complete, and we ended up at the emergency gynaecology unit with DH watching the business end as the doctor took to me with various tools, pulling tissue out of me while I bled onto my hands (the doctor told me to prop myself up by putting my fists under my bum. WHY didn't they get a wedge cushion???). No anaesthetic, just heartbreak. Still traumatised by that, and I'm sure DH is to. How do you get that image out of your head?

Then followed a funded round of IVF due to various complications (bicornuate uterus, large fibroids, my age, family history of Leiden V blood clotting disorder) from which we got one embryo, but it didn't stick.

Finally we gave up, I'd turned 40, all the odds were against us, obviously just not meant to be.

I started a new job, and a week in, find out I'm pregnant. A complete surprise -we weren't trying but given how long it took to conceive when actively teaching and trying, and IVF not sticking under optimum circumstances we just figured we didn't need to actively not try- but we were over the moon. Scary as I wouldn't qualify for maternity pay being so new into the job, but I didn't care.

You guessed it... Lots of early scans at EPAU and this time we got as far as seeing a tiny heartbeat (after initial ectopic scare). It was measuring a week behind my dates, but due to late conception this could have been ok. The next week, no heartbeat and the baby had stopped developing the day after the heartbeat scan. MMC at 9 weeks. No way was I going through medical management again, so booked for surgical the next day. All went well, looked after fantastically. Today is 3 weeks since the surgery, I had to take a test and it's still positive. So booked in for another scan week.

I'm angry, it's unfair, it's cruel and it's shit.

I need to say this here and hope to hear from others who feel the same. Those parents who manage to have a child/children, but mourn that they can't add to their family, those people who try to comfort me by saying "at least..." those who say "it happened to me and now I have DC", those friends who are similar ages and are about to have twins, those who have ELEVEN kids... I just don't want to hear about them or from them.

I want to validate my pain, acknowledge how horrible and exhausting and scary it is.

Yes, I know I'm extremely lucky in almost every other aspect of my life, I really am. But just for today I need to wallow. Anyone with me?

Didn’t want to read and run. I’m not in your position but cannot imagine the pain, hurt,anger, frustration and utter sadness you must feel.
I can’t help you but am sending you virtual hugs and hope you find peace.

Sending you and a un mumsnetty hug. I understand your desire to speak to people who have the same experience as you, your pain is very valid.

sending you lots of love xx

Wallow as much as you need. It's utterly devastatingly unfair.

Sending you strength for when you want/need it.

I am so sorry for your losses. It is heartbreaking and cruel. I have lost 6 pregnancies, my last 2 were ivf as we stopped being able to conceive naturally. We spent 9 months this year trying to transfer our last embryo but kept having setbacks with scarring, lining issues and just not responding to treatment. Finally transferred the embryo and it was a fail.

We think we know its my body attacking the babies as 2 were healthy and my bloods show that my immune system overreacts, but immune treatment failed. We now have identified a potential issue with dh. We've decided to stop trying until the Spring. But I'm 40 next year, dh 41. We started ttc when I was 34. I'm coming round to a life of no children.

Sending you lots of love. Recurrent losses are a unique and lonely experience ❤️❤️ xxx

I'm so sorry op. I had 9 early losses between 5 and 13 weeks, and one lost at 19 weeks with triplets.

It's very very very shit. I just wanted to ask have you tried aspirin?

Sending you the biggest hugs.

Yep OP, I get you.
”like a heavy period” my arse.
Its fucking horrific. I could write a book regarding my shit shit SHIT experiences with all of my losses.
Thing is, no one would believe me. No one would believe that these things actually happened and of the things that were said and done to me.
Thats why OP, I get you, 100% I get you.

Let rip if you want, I stand beside you in solidarity.

Oh Venus, you are so brave going through it 6 times. I truly hope if you do try again that it works out for you, you take deserve it.

I don't know about you but every pregnancy has just been a case of waiting for it to go wrong, anxiously trying to keep hopes in check.

With IVF and the hormones (I was highest dose) the physical discomfort just added to the overall deflation afterwards. We go through so much as women. It is horrible for our partners having to watch us go through the physical aspect and not be able to take it on for us.

We have made the decision to (actively) stop trying now. I accept that my body can't/won't/shouldn't carry to term. The problem is, after 20 years of taking hormonal contraception I just don't want more bloody drugs. We don't really want to use condoms, so the only option really is sterilisation... Which is so final. If I died, I'd hate for DH to potentially not be able to go on to have a family with somebody else (he's younger than me). So I feel like it's on me... And again it's been on me for 20 years so I don't want it to be my responsibility any longer!

I do realise how much I sound like a stampy-footed toddler. Just letting it out today

I'm just in awe of you going through it so many times, your stamina and bravery is incredible.

To lose triplets that late, as well as all your other babies is just so cruel. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you went through, and imagine what you still are going through, as these things never leave us.

Yes, this last time as well as the IVF round I was on low dose aspirin and progesterone (once they were confident it wasn't ectopic). I had to fight for it, in fact I had to fight for every scan along my whole journey. I feel like a warrior which adds to my anger and frustration.

Hugs and love to you and your babies🌺💐

This is what I need to hear! I'm so sorry, and I'm angry for you too.

All the leaflets make light of the experience. I can understand on one hand they don't want to scare people, but surely it's the ones who are worst affected that need to be more protected, but the ones who get off lightly.

I would believe you. Many other mothers would believe you, and thank you, for giving an honest account and respecting our right to know what the fuck to expect. You don't go to war with a plastic sword.

I found out through experience, bitter bitter experience because actually I don’t know another single human being who has experienced multiple miscarriages. One, maybe 2 but not 7 like me. So I had no one to ask for truthful Frank details to prepare myself.

Each was different but there were some similarities.

Pain… actually labouring to expel the “products” and not all it coming away.

No, fucking paracetamol and ibuprofen will NOT be enough, neither was the gas and air together with the morphine. The pain was debilitating. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t breath.

When asked by a 12 year old Dr with his head on a sympathetic tilt if I thought that this pain might be psychological…. During a contraction… FUCK OFF, just FUCK THE FUCK OFF TO THE FAR END OF FUCKING FUCKDOME THEN FUCK OFF A BIT MORE..

I was physically examined by a Dr to see if my cervix was open, covered in blood and clots. She decided that my only pad and pair of knickers should be thrown in the bin as they were drenched. That left me bare, with only a hospital gown, no pad, no underwear to continue gushing blood and clots writhing around the bed in agony.

No one coming to me for hours, gas &air and morphine desperately needing the toilet. Staggering by myself to the toilet.
On standing up, my baby, complete with sac and gushing blood falling out of me onto the floor in front of me. Still no one came.

At least the physical pain stopped then.

I could go on and on OP. These are just a few of my experiences

Dont get me started on the reoccurring miscarriage clinic and that shit show.
Again, I wish someone had told me frankly about what to expect there. Someone did. On my very last appointment to discharge me.

It’s just such a sensitive subject and I’m not sure people would cope if they knew what was about to happen to them. I couldn’t share any of the above with someone experiencing bleeding in early pregnancy. It’s just cruel.

So I have not shared this experience with anyone. Kept it to myself. Until now.
Horrific.

I'm so very sorry for your losses.

I do have children so hope it ok to comment but we also had 3 losses in a row.

Any medical who says it's like a heavy period can fuck right off. It was absolutely awful, DH was traumatised by the scenes in our bathroom.

Professionals Minimising the experience and gaslighting women is doing no good. I got alot of support from forums so at least the next time I knew what to expect and was more prepared eg didn't even try to leave the bathroom.

Again I'm so very sorry

Wow I cant believe women are going through this.
Why are we not warned about what happens during a miscarriage?!
Its like a dirty secret or something.

Maybe @mumsnet should campaign for this.

I'm so sorry to read about your experiences, isn't it shameful that even with so many terrible losses you weren't supported with the truth and able to prepare yourself mentally as well as physically.

Your experience of losing the baby and sac when you stood up is just brutal. You deserved so much better.

Sorry also that you haven't felt able to share your experiences. I'm quite a private person and don't tend to talk about negative experiences, but am starting to realise I (personally) need to let it out in order to start processing. I've tried counselling but tend to run out of things to say. Please, if you feel you want to, share some of your thoughts and feelings here. It may help you, and it will help others reading who are looking for some real life truths.

PS wouldn't it be wonderful if the doctors treating us had actually been through it. Psychological my arse!!!

💔I'm sorry to hear about your losses.

A practical guide would be so helpful.

DH employer recently put in place a miscarriage policy. Great. He asked to take advantage of the miscarriage leave, only to be told it only applies if the "miscarriage" is later than 24 weeks. That's not a fucking miscarriage, it's still birth. The insensitivity and virtue signalling was yet another kick in the teeth.

Any awareness is good awareness. I'm not strong enough to relive and remember my experiences in too much detail.

Tommy's is a great resource, and they count on support from people who've been through loss. But I can't even bear to open their emails half the time.

Catch 22 I would imagine for a lot of people.

If we could normalise talking about loss, it would help. Any HR people reading, please introduce policies around parental /adoption leave/miscarriage leave etc and include it as standard on job adverts. Normalise it! Women still cannot ask about this in interviews for fear of being passed over for the position.

There are treatments for multiple losses immunological protocols I know you said your done trying but just wanted to let you know incase you weren't aware. I do have children now but suffered loss and multiple failed IVF along the way.

Yep, given myself permission to stop. For me, hope is the killer.

Glad you have your lovely family x