Late Miscarriage - 19 weeks - hand hold/advice

[blondie272203]

Yesterday my husband and I went for a private gender scan in the hopes of sharing what we were having with family over Christmas. I should have been 19 weeks.

We were given the devastating news that no heartbeat could be found and that baby was measuring just over 17 weeks. We were referred to our local hospital where this was confirmed and next steps discussed with consultant and midwife.

On Monday, I go in to be induced. I couldn't bring myself to go in on Christmas day.

This baby was supposed to be our rainbow baby after two years of trying and an early loss last year. We have had the most awful year anyway, losing close family and a terminal cancer diagnosis of my Mum and I can't quite believe we are going through this.

I suppose I am looking for a hand hold and, if you have also been through a late miscarriage, some experiences and advice if these are not too difficult to share.

What can I expect over the next couple of weeks?

What were others experiences of pregnancy after late miscarriage?

Are there any specific support groups organisations you have found that have helped you through this?

Thank you.

OP I am so sorry to hear about your late miscarriage. Handhold from me 💐

I don’t have any personal experience but a friend of mine lost her first baby a couple of weeks later than you. She was devastated and didn’t want to speak to anyone for weeks after. She has a lovely 11 year old DD and a 9 year old DS now.

I am so so sorry for your loss. This was me 3 years ago. I was induced and gave birth to my little girl. I was so scared.

i begged them for. C section but I was glad I birthed her. My husband convinced me not to see her after birth which I will regret to my dying day. But I spent a lot of time with her coffin in the chapel of rest.

there is no advice that can make this easy for you. But remember this is your labour, labour how you want to. Spend time with your baby before saying goodbye or you might not get the chance again.

i had the most wonderful support from the bereavement midwife and went Sands support groups.

I read everything on the sands website before hand and I took all the pain relief, the midwife said I didn’t need to suffer anymore than I was doing.

I wish I could take the pain away from you. I really do. I lie here in tears myself reaching out to strangers on the internet and then I see your message and it takes me back. It also reminds me I can be strong for the end of my relationship because I lost my little girl.

her name was Luna. Do you have a name for your baby? Xx

www.sands.org.uk/

their app is really good at helping you navigate the induction. flinging virtual arms around you my love xxx

I'm so sorryOP.
I lost twins a couple of weeks after our 20w scan. In my case I went into spontaneous early labour.

Be kind to yourself, take all the support you can get. There are lots of support groups out there, SANDS local groups can be really good. Also there are Rainbow clinics for subsequent pregnancies when you feel up for considering that.

Take care

So sorry for your loss too. Devastating. I went to the rainbow clinic with my last pregnancy and Willa be going in the new year with this one. They are wonderful. So much hope and support from them. Sending you all a peaceful Christmas xx

So sorry for your loss 💔

I’ve just been through a ‘late’ miscarriage but earlier than you, I thought I was almost 15 wks but baby measured 13+2. It was also picked up at a private scan, it was so awful. Im sorry to hear about the hard year you’ve had, it’s so unfair and feels so hard when you don’t have a reason of why it happened. You feel you are in that ‘safe’ zone after 12 weeks. Sending you a big hug xx

I’m so sorry this is happening to you too. We just lost our baby boy few days ago at 19 weeks and 1 day. The pain is unimaginable and struggling to see the light each day. Every day our hearts is breaking. I haven’t found a support group but we’re seeking for professional help to deal with this traumatic experience.

I am.sending you a hand hold. I have never been pregnant so have no advice but want to pass on my best wishes.

I literally only joined last night because of my own woes but overwhelmed by how supportive you all are. OP, know you are not alone even though I know it feels like that. You are a mother and they are super humans. Even when you think you can’t do it, you will. You have hidden strength that will come to you when you need it. All the love in the world for you xx

Thank you so much to every single person who has responded.

I am sorry for the losses you have all experienced and I'm so grateful for you sharing your kind words and experiences to support me at this time.

I feel like I have spent all day on the internet trying to prepare myself for Monday. We are having a quiet day at home tomorrow before we go in, just can't bring ourselves to have Christmas this year.

Sending you all lots of love xx

Hey blondie. Just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you for tomorrow. This sounds weird but it can be very peaceful and beautiful alongside the pain. Hard to explain but I wish I had leaned into it more and was less afraid. A friend of mine who I met through Sands said she felt it was an honour to birth her lad, even though he was gone. It was the last thing she could do for him, give him the birth she felt he deserved. Any way you do it, well ita about you and your needs.

I wish I had reached out to people before I birthed my Luna. And taken the bereavement midwife’s advice.

this is a journey for you but you will still be a mum to this beautiful baby and every day you will start to try and heal. I have met some lovely friends from SANDS since.

your friends and family might struggle to understand and say stupid insensitive stuff but it’s because they don’t know. That’s why it’s important you find people you trust to support you. Or people that know (in my case).

Much love. If you have the strength or the want to tell us about your baby please do. They matter. They are still born xxxx

@blondie272203 so incredibly sorry to hear this, hope you are brought some comfort from birthing your beautiful baby after being together for nearly 5 months. You are the only one able to do this job, remember.
It's a weird thing to say too, echoing the above poster's sentiments, but it can certainly be cathartic coming full circle. It won't feel like this in the moment but maybe in a while when you're reflecting on the experience.
I lost 2 babies this year in second trimester, 1 at 17 weeks and another at 20 weeks - 2 different pregnancies. I found the labours OK, very painful of course but I felt like it was one of the only things I had control over and something only I could do. Because you do spiral totally out of control. The worst thing is when you remember there is no joy at the end of this, no baby to take home.
I opted for no pain relief because I wanted to feel every bit, really didn't wanna be out of it and not remember. The midwives will hopefully keep you right along the way, all you have to do is think if you want to meet your baby and when, there's no rush. I asked the midwives to take my babies out of the room after until I got myself together a bit and then spent a lot of time with them and it was lovely. Heartbreaking but lovely. They will make hand and footprints and take photos for you and to take home in a memory too.
Physically it's just like a full term birth, all the intense contractions and bleeding but just you're birthing a smaller size at the end obviously. Remember to bring lots of changes of big, loose, dark underwear, pyjamas and get stocked up on maternity pads and paracetamol for home.
You may want to name your baby and think about burial or cremation for afterwards too, but those things can come at a later stage.
I really hope and pray you have good support in the hospital for your baby's birth, and at home in the weeks and months afterwards. Please take a long time off work and let friends and family know if you need them, and if you want
them to talk about your baby and what you're going through as most won't have a clue how to approach you, and it can be the most lonely and isolating time.
Thinking of you today, do let us know how you've got on if and when you can xx

I am so sorry Snoo. Losing two babies that late is unimaginably painful. Much love to you too.

just reading your post reminded me of all the usual postnatal stuff. I found it very distressing when my milk came in with no baby to feed. I have heard that some women express and donate their milk. Which i think is the most selfless thing I ever heard. I don’t think I was in that kind of headspace at the time.

Like Snoo said. Thinking of you and your baby. Hoping you get the time you need together xxxx

Our baby arrived in the early ours of the 27th December. Unfortunately, a few hours after the birth I had to be taken into theater under general anaesthetic due to retained placenta and excessive blood loss. The whole experience was very traumatic but i'm so grateful for the amazing care we received from our midwives over the three days we were there.

We spent time with our baby when I recovered from the GA, which i'm glad of, although now that I am home I wish I had taken more time with them and can't stop thinking about their tiny little hands and feet. I feel like I am finding it harder being at home than in hospital. There we were in our own little bubble, whereas here we are in our normal, only it isn't like it was any more.

I'm struggling and spending most of my time crying. My husband is doing his best but copes in a different way to me and his ability to go about as normal is making me even more upset at times, which is unfair as it is just his own way of coping with the grief.

I need to make an appointment with the GP to have my iron levels monitored but every time I speak to someone I burst into tears so I haven't managed to make the appointment yet. The community midwife popped by today and is contacting Held in Our Hearts on our behalf for access to counselling.

We have opted for a post mortem in the hopes of getting some answers. At 36 and after two years of ttc, I want as much help as we can access if we are lucky enough to have another pregnancy. Our next step is to discuss funeral arrangements as we are arranging our own. I'm just not ready yet.

I have no idea when I will be ready for seeing friends and family or for returning to work. I have had such anxiety over the last year as such awful things keep happening in our lives and now that this has happened to us, just as I was relaxing and finally thought we were finally getting a happy ending, I think I am going to need professional support to manage my feelings and get better.

I’m sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel that you don’t want to be around with anyone right now. I lost my baby boy at 19weeks 2 days, days before Christmas and no words can describe the pain and heartbreak that me and my husband is experiencing right now.

My husband will hold my hand and hug me whenever I burst out in tears. Men has different way in coping. As per my husband, right now he’s trying to be there for me. He’s somehow threading back to normalcy because he needs to be. He needs to be the rock, the anchor. But when the time comes that I feel a little bit better, he would want me to be there for him when he grieves. I asked my husband how I can support him, he said just touching him, rubbing his shoulders will make him feel that I am still there, his wife. That he haven’t lost me.

I haven’t seen or talk to my friends since it happened. I am not ready to be with company at the moment. I work as a Nurse in Australia, and I have requested for at least 6 months off to grieve, to cope and to process everything. It would be a leave without pay, that means my husband will have to delay his grieving so we don’t struggle financially.

We’re both awaiting referral for a professional counselling because the whole experience was very traumatic and I am struggling to cope. I can’t be a working as a Nurse if I’m emotionally unstable. I’m in so much grief, I am broken.

The funeral arrangement had me and my husband broke down in tears. We never planned for cremation. We planned for gender reveal and baby shower parties. We planned to announce on Christmas day that we are expecting and due on May 2023. We planned what baby furniture we want to buy.

I don’t think I can give you some positive thoughts right now. I’m sorry, I just want to share how we are dealing with our loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss @GabrielsMummy2022 and I am so grateful to you for sharing how you are feeling, especially when this is still so raw and new to you too.

We too had planned to share what we were having with our families over Christmas. Right before the scan, I had suggested to my husband that we go and buy a little outfit for baby when we were finished. We had already bought some things, including our pram and baby carrier as there was a special offer at the beginning of December and all our scans and bloods etc had been positive so whe thought, why not? I feel so stupid now.

I'm glad you are taking some time and I plan to do the same. I am a primary teacher in Scotland and work with very young children and I just don't think I will be emotionally capable of doing my job until I have grieved. I am already worrying about how I will be perceived by my colleagues and managers for the time I will be off but I need time to heal, process and recover from the trauma of it all.

It is strange to think that tomorrow is the beginning of a new year. Last year I felt positive 2022 would be a good year for us and now I can't stop thinking about all of the difficult things that lie ahead that we will have to get through in 2023, from the funeral, post mortem results, due date in May to the anniversary in December. It's hard to find positivity.

Sending you so much love. X

I have been crying non stop today. I just want my Gabriel back. We have finally informed to our friends and extended families about our baby. I want them to know that he existed. I literally told them that I couldn’t handle people telling that everything happened for a reason. It angers me so much coz there was no indication from our latest scan that I will rupture my membrane and lose our precious boy. He was an IVF baby, the only fertilised egg out of five. I can’t stop blaming myself, that I should have known better.

Our OB suggested for a post mortem but we refused as our baby had gone through enough. He was perfect. We’re just waiting for the pathology results from the placenta in 3 weeks. Aside from my heart is repeatedly breaking into tiny pieces, I’m still bleeding and cramping.

it’s New Year’s eve and I’m scared to move on, to see what the New year will bring.

@blondie272203 I'm so sorry for your loss. It truly is heartbreaking. We went through a TFMR on 2.12 at 14 weeks, my placenta also did not deliver but was removed by hand, not great. I've since been back for an MVA for retained tissue, and due back in on Tuesday as it's still not all cleared.

We also chose to have our own funeral and as difficult as it feels right now for you, in our experience it gave us a lot of comfort to acknowledge our babies short life. The funeral directors were amazing. We were directed by the bereavement services team to our nearest one which was Co-op. I hope you too find comfort from your babies service 😘

We are waiting on genetic testing, results not expected until Feb/march time unfortunately but, with each passing day we do feel stronger and I honestly believe it was because we had a funeral service. I just wish I still wasn't struggling physically but hopefully things will be better within the next couple of weeks 🤞🏻

Sending lots of hugs. It will get easier xx

@Lulabella22 We too had a TFMR on the 2nd December, our daughter was born at 25 weeks. It feels like so much time has passed but also no time at all. I think I am still in shock and can't believe it has happened. We also had a funeral and I completely agree with what you have said, it did really help us.

Make sure not to bottle things up and keep talking, I find it helps so much xx