Feeling like my marriage is drifting and having the urge to 'cheat' after our 5th and last MC

[TTCmum90]

Hi,

I have been sitting here for hours in a daze. A few weeks ago I had my fifth miscarriage in the first trimester. All are recurrent, no kids.

DH and I had been trying for 3 years. No luck. This time it was different. I was rushed to A&E after having the most painful spasms on the toilet. Lost a lot of blood and actually passed out from the trauma and blood loss.

Since then, DH claims he is also upset, but it just feels like everything is just off. It feels like we are more like roommates.

Haven't had any sex since TTC (4 months the ago), though I've also had thrush and other things going on down there. But I've increasingly found myself becoming obsessed and fixated with cheating.

Obviously I haven't done anything. Never cheated. My DH is a kind hearted man, he always gets things from the shops on the way back from work if I need anything.

I do appreciate everything he does. But at the same time, for over a year now I've had the growing feeling that we are drifting apart, and have different ways of coping.

I feel like I am honestly starved of the physical affection I desire, and not to mention, for many years I've asked him to do new things with me to get a sense of excitement and connection in our relationship as we have different interests.

He would always vaguely say yes, but never make plans to go through (for example, salsa dancing, pottery class or SOMETHING new!). I am quite adventurous and really a big kid at heart. Where he is more serious and studious.

But I feel like the worst person. Why am i thinking these things? In the emergency room there was a kind doctor, he always came to check on me especially and I can't forget his eyes.

It feels like my DH and I haven't made eye contact truly in a long time. I feel like I just want to be seen.

Obviously the latest blow from our last MC has affected me pretty badly. I have some sort of PTSD , flashbacks of the white lights blood and hospital bed rattling as the blood soaked out.

My mum was with me, unfortunately DH had to be at work but was there at home before to get my parents to help get me to hospital.

Since then, I've recently started going to the gym as I want a release from home and the dogs. I want to get fitter and healthier. I now spend hours at the gym every day, which happens to be when DH is home marking papers (he has a second job now).

Until recently, I started to notice that guys were paying attention to me in the gym - totally not used to it as I would always be home or with DH. It felt really nice to have the feeling of being desired, and I now find myself constantly fixated on the 'what if'.

But it is all so terrifying. And I honestly feel like what if this is the best I will get? I don't want to be horrible and take for granted the good qualities, but I just wish sometimes he would try to do more things with me to build our connection and intimacy.

I just feel so pent up, isolated and all alone. I feel like in the back of my mind I keep fearing this could be the end of my marriage.

I booked a fertility scan in January. But even that, it feels like he just is going along with it for my sake. I just want him to want to be involved. We have talked about surrogacy and adoption, but again I feel like these are things I want because I want kids do badly.

But what if he is just going along with it to please me?

I just feel like a mess. Emotionally, mentally 😪 💔 my heart feels so heavy with the burden of possibly never having kids naturally, and the possibility that this could be the final straw to drive a wedge in my marriage.

Please help me, I feel bad enough already. Surely I cannot be the only one? I read statistically almost 40% of marriages end after multiple miscarriages.

How do I know if this is what is happening with mine, or is it the trauma and disconnect?

Thank you all x

You poor thing. I had similar - blue lighted due to miscarriage and since lots of losses including an 18 week tfmr. I have a baby now. I didn't feel like I wanted to cheat but our marriage definitely went through tough times as I felt he didn't understand me. I wanted to just be completely on my own because I felt he didn't show up for me thr many times I needed him to. I have no advice apart from we did go to relate and that didn't solve things but made us realise ww wanted fo stick togethrr.
I feel so much for you. The gym is good but you also need counselling. I thought I was fine until I went for an ultrasound ans started having intrusive images of ivs, white lights and scalpels (emergency operation when I miscarried) and the wonderful consultant and nurses told me I had ptsd so I told my gp and got therapy for that. I'm very lucky because it worked out for me and I had therapy but when I'm tired and hear certain noises I'm right back there. Don't underestimate your trauma

I’m so sorry OP. You’ve had such a horrific time. It’s natural that your emotions are all over the place, and that you’re noticing other guys, just accept that it’s a side effect of the situation and don’t act on it or think that those feelings mean anything - other than that they are a warning from your subconscious that you desperately need emotional escape from the strain of all this.

All marriages go through phases of feeling like roommates, lust and passion wax and wane, you can’t expect your husband to be exciting all of the time. Don’t worry about your marriage right now, focus on healing from your grief and, when you’re ready, on the next practical steps.

Also, he’s dealing with grief and disappointment too, not at the same level that you are and not in the same way as you, but he may still seem odd as a result. His reactions may seem weird and he may distance himself as a way of coping. You may need to talk about it, but he may need to not talk.

Re the fertility scan, you need to find out if possible if the problem is soerm/eggs (a donor could help) or your NK cells / womb (might need surrogacy).

If you start on the adoption path, there is no rush, give yourself time to heal first. Adopted children have all been traumatised too, and would need you to be their rock of stability, and the marriage would need to be solid for the adoption to go well.

The gym sounds great! Keep looking after yourself and recognise that your emotions need time to heal. I really recommend trying out a couple of counsellors so you can talk theough your feelings in the way that you need. Men just don’t seem able to talk and listen at the level women need, so go pay for a female counsellor experienced in these issues, it will help.