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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Unsupportive partner

9 replies

Scottishmum09 · 08/12/2022 10:01

Sorry, its a long one, please read.

Recently discovered that baby stopped developing a few weeks ago, but my body hasn't yet miscarried. Have an appointment tomorrow to go in for medical management. I have experienced miscarriage before many years ago when I was only 19, I ended up with an infection due to it being incomplete and spent overnight in hospital on morphine it was that bad. The next day was given medical management and sent home to complete the process. I have been talking to my partner about how its all came flooding back and I remember the medical management being painful but not as bad as time spent in hospital, but I am worried and would rather this happened naturally, too scared to wait though incase infection sets in like last time. An argument broke out due to him telling me that he has experienced this and she (his ex) just took the pills came home, went to bed and was fine the next day. Confused i asked, so when did the miscarriage take place, as she would need to pass the pregnancy? He is getting nippy at this point and said she had a period and that was it and his cousin who is a nurse passed twins and that was just a heavy period so its not bad. He knows lots of people who have had miscarriages, his mum had several, its common, its just a heavy period. Ofcourse I get angry and tell him no two woman are the same and that I too have personal experience and it was very traumatic. Not to mention the emotional side of having to walk around knowing that my baby has died and still feeling pregnant. We are currently not talking and the way im feeling, I dont want him to be with me when I go through it. He is comparing my situation to one of his ex's experiences of an early termination! I also remember now that he used to correct me when I spoke to people about the birth of our son, who I had an emergency csection with due to him being distressed, turns out the cord was wrapped round him. When I was in theatre they were able to take their time doing the operation as my sons heart rate had calmed down, when I told people the story and how I ended up needing an emergency c section he would say "wasn't an emergency, not as if they had to quicky cut you open and pull him out, he was calm in the end so it was just a section" I would feel really embarrassed and he would tell me to stop making it out to be worse than it was. That experience of my baby in distress and my being rushed to theatre was bloody traumatic aswel! It was terrifying! And im never aloud to say that, im not aloud to talk about my fear of medical management and having to go through passing my baby either. I want to tell him to f* off! Am I being dramatic?? He makes me feel really bad for worrying or finding things difficult. Its so bloody lonely!

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Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 08/12/2022 10:24

Isn't possible he tries to minimise things that he actually finds scary/upsetting

Like he is telling himself that this isn't a big thing because if it was a big thing he would have to deal with it emotionally?

The same with the emergency c-section?

It's not helpful or fair on you at all though. Honestly it sounds like this would be a good opportunity to get some counselling to help both of you. You to have an outlet to speak about the trauma you have been through and him to learn to speak about these things?

I honestly think counselling should be freely available after miscarriage and childbirth for anyone who feels the need for it.

Scottishmum09 · 08/12/2022 10:34

@Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead
I wish that were the case, I dont know what his issue is, but for a long while now I have realised no one else is aloud to go through anything, he can talk about his mistreatment and traumatic childhood for hours on end and expects a sympathetic ear, I am currently going through this situation and hes telling me how he is pain when he pee's, if I have morning sickness, his IBS is playing up 🙄...he always has a "one up" attitude. He doesnt like anyone else needing help/support. I think councilling is needed whatever that is. I dont know why I never realised how uncaring he could be before.

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Scottishmum09 · 08/12/2022 10:35

**I think councilling is needed for whatever that is

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Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 08/12/2022 10:36

Oh that's different, that sounds like the kind of partner who has to be the main character in the relationship and doesn't like the spotlight being taken off him

How does he handle you giving your son attention instead of him?

Scottishmum09 · 08/12/2022 10:41

I think that's it! He is fine with our son being given attention, he gives him alot aswel. I do find though, that he will moan we don't have enough "us" time when we have being lots of family activities. Thats when he begins to act all lovey dovey and cuddly with me. Our son also cant be ill without him also being ill. I was able to ignore it mostly, but now with this going on, I'm really annoyed and saddened by his attitude and behaviour.

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Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 08/12/2022 10:48

Yeah it's easy to ignore him always having to be ill when you are ill when you have like a cold or a stomach bug. Much more difficult when it is something more serious either physically and emotionally.

I think you have a few options at this point depending on how fed up you are

If he complains, for example, that he has pain when he pees briskly tell him to make an appointment with the Dr's and if he doesn't and he continues to complain point out it can't be that serious if he won't seek help. They problem with this is by not having as much sympathy on your side you make it easier for him to justify the same in his behaviour

Some kind of counselling so you can tell him how it makes you feel and see if there are any underlying issues around this that cause this behaviour

Decide you can put up with it

Decide you can't put up with it any longer and you would prefer the opportunity to be by yourself/find someone who will be more emotionally in tune with you

Would I be right in guessing that him feeling 'ill' when you are ill/incapacitated means he doesn't pick up the slack with the childcare/housework etc

Scottishmum09 · 08/12/2022 10:53

Very sound advice. Its hard when you are in a situation, especially with all this emotion going on, to see it clearly and not wonder if its you that's the issue.

Yep your right, he doesnt pick up the slack when "ill" he near died when I asked him to take over the nursery run as dont want to risk miscarrying on bus with our toddler. Hes been doing it, but not without mentioning it and expecting a gold star! He usually only does it on the days im at work.

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Nobodytotalkto · 27/05/2023 14:09

I need help! My partner is so unsupportive during my pregnancy.
I had a scan at 8 weeks and found out we are expecting twins!! I'm exhausted, and my sickness is off the scale. He is just acting like he's a single guy, going out drinking and meeting his friends/family, etc. I told him it upset me, and he just said, "Am I supposed to just sit in with you? Or " you can do what you want!?" Clearly I can't! He doesn't seem to understand the mental or physical impact this is having on me. Am I being selfish?
He barely speaks to me or asks how I am, we fall out all the time over it and he just gives me the silent treatment for days.
He doesn't offer to cook tea or help me around the home. He just expects me to be up and carrying on as normal. It's making me not want to carry on with the pregnancy 😩 as I think if he's like this now, it's not going to get any better as the pregnancy goes on/childbirth/ babies arriving!
It was a planned pregnancy, he is the one that has pushed to have children. I just don't understand it.

Scottishmum09 · 30/05/2023 18:33

@Nobodytotalkto im so sorry you are having such a hard time with your partner. Being pregnant can be tough and without the support of your partner can feel pretty lonely. He should be doing a bit more for you, its pretty shitty of him to just bugger off out with friends and leave you ar home all the time. Do you have supportive friends and family around you? You are not being selfish, sit him doen and tell him you would appreciate some more quiet one in one time with him relaxing at home as you feel crappy and tired most of the time. See if he listens and takes it on board. Dont make any hasty decision in regards to the future of this pregnancy. I know its a scary thought doing it alone, but if you wanted the pregnancy and are happy at the thought of becoming a mum outwith him making you feel crap then thats what you need to focus on. Babies bring an undescribable joy although is very tough though and a very emotional time, you need to think if you would be able to cope alone or want to if he doesn't improve his shitty attitude. Do you have a close friend or family member you can lean on and talk it over with? Xx

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