Friendship ruined as we both lost babies, anyone else been through something similar?

[Battenbergcoconutice]

Hi everyone. I have/ had a precious friend who I have known since I was ten years old (over 20 years). I don't consider myself as having one best friend but she was certainly amongst my treasured best mates.

At the end of last year we both met with our DHs and discussed excitedly how we all wanted to try for babies (all of our firsts) in the new year (perhaps not wise I can now see that) but how could we have known what was to come?

We both fell pregnant in the January of this year with the EXACT same due date. It was so close I felt very uncomfortable from the start. I have a few medical issues so was worried about m/c from start.

I ended up having a missed m/c at 10 weeks which was absolutely devastating. I had been really sick and was walking around with full pregnancy symptoms for a MONTH even though baby measured at 6 weeks when bleeding started at 10.

My friend went on and continued with her pregnancy. It was awkward and we didn't speak much. I then tried to make an effort with her pregnancy and to be happy for her despite being the one who had suffered a loss and she was not very available. When I chased to meet up and eventually told her I was pregnant again and due my 8 week early check up scan I didn't get a response.

I was so angry and flew off the handle unreasonably about her lack of contact and she eventually told me that she had given birth prematurely and tragically lost her baby in the third trimester.

I am absolutely devastated for her and of course and giving her space but it's just been so traumatic and I am so upset it feels like I have lost such a precious friend and I can't see how things can be healed between us now...

Not looking for advice but has anyone else been through something similar with a close friend? Would love to know we aren't alone. It hurts so much, I think about it all the time. I'm 22 weeks now and pregnancy going well but hard to be fully happy when my friend has suffered something so awful.

Oh god, that’s so awful, for both of you. I’ve had several mcs so can relate to your pain at your loss but not to the friendship sadness on top. No advice but sending you a lot of love and good wishes for your pregnancy 💐

You poor thing. This is really hard. Have you apologised?

You probably haven’t lost a friend. You have both had a devastating blow and also a bit of a lesson in parenting: it just doesn’t work to think all the milestones will be met at the same time. It’s too close. Everyone has their own path to tread.

Wow. You’ve both been so unlucky. 😭

You probably haven’t lost her as a friend permanently, but she will need time away from you and to avoid you and your baby, until she has a healthy child of her own. Try not to take it personally: being around your baby will make her dwell on hers and simply hurt more than she can cope with.

If she isn’t able to have a child ever, then it may be difficult for the friendship to continue, but as her pregnancy got to third trimester she’ll probably have a successful pregnancy eventually.

I’m so incredibly sorry that you’ve both been through this.

Thanks so much to you all for your kind words and replies. Yes absolutely I apologised deeply and still feel awful about it. You are all right it's just one of those that needs time and life definitely isn't the linear journey we think it is... Lots of love and appreciation for your replies

I'm sorry for your loss OP

The only thing you can do is give this time

Your title is a bit misleading because whilst you have both suffered a loss you are in fact now pregnant with what hopefully continues to be a healthy baby whilst she tragically had a stillbirth - still birth or losing a baby soon after birth is just an awful horrific horrific experience and so you avoiding her when you miscarried at 10 weeks is going to be a completely different to her avoiding you when she lost her baby after birth

I often read threads where posters are encouraged to avoid pregnant friends and often want to say don't cut yourself off from treasured friends you have no idea what may happen or when you might yourself need them or they need you - no one ever gets pregnant to deliberately hurt someone else - and you can't ever really go back and have a do over and take things back once they've been said

I've had several losses but if I'm being brutally honest OP if you'd flew off the handle at me I'm not sure I could forgive you and I'd certainly not look on our friendship the same way again and so you perhaps need to be prepared for this and grieve for your friendship now. I'm not saying this to be mean just realistic really. There are still things I remember that was said to me during/after my losses and I can neither forgive enough to forget nor forget enough to forgive them

@sneezingpandamum she flew off the handle before she knew about it. You really wouldn't forgive a misunderstanding?

@70billionthnamechange

So much depends on what was said doesn't it? There is so much we don't know about what happened and how and when.

The OP said they both fell pregnant in January - that would put their due dates around September time. It's only just December. OP is 22 weeks pregnant with a new pregnancy so it seems to me that around the time the OP was chasing her to meet up after disclosing she was 8 weeks pregnant and then lost her temper with her was around the end of august and would have been right around the time her friend had her still birth. Just awful awful timing for her friend to have to deal with the loss of her baby and then with the OP shouting at her. Obviously the OP can't have known what was going on which just makes this whole situation all the more sadder.

It brings to mind that Robin Williams quote - "everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. always" you just never know that whatever you think is an issue in your own life could pale into insignificance compared to what someone else is dealing with

Thanka for this. I understand. It's good to hear it from this perspective. I love the quote.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, we suffered a loss at 7 weeks and although it was early, it was still incredibly traumatic. It is awful timing that this has happened to both you and your friend around the same time and you are/were both in so much pain. You weren't to know what happened to your friend but she is obviously hurting so much and, as someone suffering infertility, I know it is hard to be around pregnant friends sometimes. I really think you've done all you can and she is going to need time and space to deal with this. You've already apologised so all you can do is let her know that you will always be there for her and that when she's ready, you hope she'll be able to forgive you enough to contact you. I really hope that you and your friend can work this out, sending so much love.