When to go back to work?

[ToStayOrNotToStay]

Hi all,

I was given an early scan on the 2nd of October, they found no embryo but i had to go back 10 days later in case my dates were wrong, i knew they weren’t. 12th October it was confirmed that I had had a miscarriage. As no bleeding had started I had to choose tablets or surgery. I went for the tablet form and on the 12 had the miscarriage which was traumatic to go through.

Since the 2nd October i haven’t been back at work and now i sometimes feel as though i need to get back to normal and go back so i arranged with my boss I’d be back tomorrow but I’m feeling really overwhelmed and anxious and I’m not sure if i am going back too soon. It’s only been 3 weeks. They have shown me compassionate leave for the whole time i have been off. Now if i need anymore time off i have to go sick and due to previous illnesses though the year (chest infection etc.) if i go sick again (for MH due to the miscarriage) I might face being put on management action which will also cause issues for any jobs i go for in the future.

When did you go back? When is a good time to go back? Because of what has happened I feel as though i should be there for my daughter and cherish every moment incase something happens, and i know that’s being irrational but i cant help feeling over protective of my daughter now. She is 11. Giving up work isn’t an option in this climate unfortunately.

Thank you

Ah so sorry to hear this. I had one myself back in august it’s so so tough. I took just a week off which in hindsight was far too little, I was still bleeding on my return but the worst was Over with. I wanted to keep busy but I did feel very weepy a lot in work and would have benefited from a bit more time to just get used to the idea. I don’t know what process your job follows but mine dealt with my time as pregnancy related illness which meant it was a protected form of sick leave and I couldn’t be penalised for it. I don’t know if they had to do that, but I wonder could you look into this? It might give you peace of mind , I know I had the same worries and rushed back. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss it’s a miserable thing to happen and really knocks you for six.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've had a MMC in 2017, MC 2018 and MC on the 11th October. I just want to give you a big hug as I know how you're feeling.

As for work though, I'm self employed and have been throughout my MCs so I've felt I needed to get back to things but to be honest it's helped me gather myself a little and a bit of "normality" as well. It has given me focus and whilst it's hard as first it could end up being what you need x

This is what they have said to my line manager “I’m very sorry to hear that ** has suffered a miscarriage. Can you make sure that any time she needs off work for this, is shown as pregnancy related on HR. She can have up to 14 days to help her recover and this time will be discounted from any future attendance management decisions.”

I’m not sure if this is as compassionate leave or sick leave and I’m just really overwhelmed by it all so I don’t want to ask my line manager either as he is a single man with no kids.
I work shifts so I’d be working the whole weekend then days off during the week.

So sorry you’re going through this. 3 weeks is not a huge amount of time, especially considering the medical management only began 10 days after you found out.

There is a protected time off of 2 weeks if you suffer a miscarriage. This period can’t be used at sickness review however, anything after that can. The full info is on ACAS. But also check your work maternity and leave policies as they might have more information or on offer to you.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong amount of time. Depending on your treatment option, recovery, emotional response and personal situation the answer will vary.

I had a missed miscarriage so thought everything was fine until a private scan. I’d had time off with morning sickness as it was so bad. I’ve now had 2 weeks off which consisted of waiting for a referral to EPU for a scan, then waiting a week for the surgery. I spent the entire time either in limbo, or crying and terrified I’d start miscarrying before the surgery. So my 2 weeks was up before our baby was gone. It’s a bit ridiculous when you think about it.

How have you felt when you go out into the world doing normal things like food shopping, school run etc? Are you coping ok with that or are you feeling forgetful or distracted. Might be a bit of an indication of where you’re at with either wanting the normalcy or time to reflect.

Everyone is different. I (stupidly) went back to work the next day but then it hit me on due date and was signed off for 6 weeks. Don't go back until you're ready.

Hmmm. I would assume that the 14 days is literally "pregnancy related" (and therefore cannot be counted for sickness absence monitoring) but i'd love to know whatthey think their rationale for 14 days is. What if it's 21???? Who decides that.

Simple answer - take the time you need because this job nor any other isn't worth anything if they don't care about you now. And when / if you need more time off sick then you should suggest to your doctor that THEY decide what is pregnancy related illness, not your employer - if your sick note says "post natal depression" or any other cause directly related to pregnany, it would be unlawful for them to count it for sickness absence procedures. Unless they want to call your doctor a liar?

The thing that has made things worse is that only yesterday I had to do a test to ensure the miscarriage occurred. And also yesterday should have been our 12 week scan. Stupidly I booked in an afternoon spa and afternoon tea with my friend so I didn’t have to think about it but now it’s hit me all of a sudden.

I feel ok but I do get a bit overwhelmed, I don’t have to do the school run as she can walk to school herself but recently there have been reports of an unknown man staring at girls outside of the school after school and that’s just set my anxiety off to another level. And it hasn’t helped! Luckily the police are being really proactive about it and are outside the school every day.

I work for the police so I’m not sure if we are covered by ACAS or not? We aren’t technically “employed” we are warranted officers so are ruled by regulations more than employment law. But I thought exactly the same, only I can tell when I’m ready, who is who to tell me that I can only have 14 days off? Or any woman going through this for any matter.

I’m so sorry to hear about all of your losses - thank you for talking to me and your advice xx

I work for the police so I’m not sure if we are covered by ACAS or not? We aren’t technically “employed” we are warranted officers so are ruled by regulations more than employment law. But I thought exactly the same, only I can tell when I’m ready, who is who to tell me that I can only have 14 days off? Or any woman going through this for any matter.

Generally you don't have employment rights. BUT you do have discrimination rights and pregnancy is a protected characteristic.

Quite apart from that, right now the police really need to "get with it" on the way they treat women....

Sorry to hear of your loss ❤️. I had 2 months off in the end, if you ask your doctor to ensure the sick note says 'pregnancy related' it will be protected and shouldn't be discriminated against. ❤️

Oh thank you! I didn’t know that!

Maybe they got the 14days from ACAS?

i couldn’t possibly comment on that I’m afraid 😬

Thank you.

I’m so anxious about going back that I ache all over, my back and legs are killing me. I must be tense without even knowing it

So sorry to hear of your loss too

When you feel ready. I had a couple of days off when the pain was at its worst and then went back. I prefer to carry on as normal wherever possible. Flying to the US for work 4 days after passing the sac was probably a bit daft though, on reflection