Can't discuss baby loss without crying

[Meecrowavay]

I had a stillborn baby 5 years ago. I'm a big supporter of "say their name" and the wave of light etc. but if anyone speaks to me about him I can't talk about him without tears streaming down my face. So I don't talk about him (except with my husband and other children) because it's too much emotional upheaval in public and people generally feel awful and then attempt to console/divert etc. It's all just a bit awkward and hard and I don't like the attention it brings on myself. But then I also feel guilty for not speaking about him!

I know this isn't an easy thing to answer and I won't ever be over him (nor is that my goal), but is there something wrong with me? Should I have processed this grief better in 5 years so that I can speak about him, even just briefly, without the tears?

There is nothing wrong with you. Grief takes different forms with different people. Your child exists whether you speak about him or not. The only thing to consider is that if you find it a problem it might be worth getting counselling or some such. Do you ever go to a SANDS group? I find mine great for verballing those thoughts you have in a safe environment.

I've never made it to one. I should have tried before now really. The thought makes me quite anxious though. I'm not a particularly socially anxious person otherwise.

Life has been busy since we lost our son. And we have other young children to care for. I often wonder if the grieving process is on pause and it'll lurch forward at some point or if this is what it will always be like. I can't think of a better way to describe it.

Sounds like it might be an unprocessed trauma.. the feelings are still bouncing around at the surface and have not found their home in your mind.
perhaps some compassion based therapy might help you process things.

Do the tears feel involuntary - like your body just reacts this way even when you might feel ‘ok’ speaking about your baby? I can relate. There is no ‘should’ involved, you’re not doing anything wrong.. just need some help with your trauma.

Sending you love.

Grief doesn’t go away. It is different for everyone.
tears can be cathartic. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
i’m sorry for your loss

There's an organisation called cruse that offer counselling for grief. You might find that useful OP. Sorry for your loss.
www.cruse.org.uk/

Absolutely nothing wrong with you. The weirdest things set me off.

However, I found that 4 or 5 sessions of counselling really helped. We talked about what I was comfortable saying when people asked how many children I have, which was where I was feeling guilt (do I say 1 and deny DD existed? Do I say 2 and make it awkward?) amongst other things.

It never goes, but there are things you can do to make it easier. I'd highly recommend counselling or group therapy sessions

It's okay to cry. Some people will be a bit awkward but you don't need to apologise for that, you have been through one of the worst things and you are entitled to your pain. I have a colleague whose baby died at a few days old and she is sometimes tearful, usually on anniversaries. It's okay, we all understand. Don't stop talking about your child out of fear of crying.

Baby/child loss is incredibly difficult.
Grief isn't linear nor has an end date. There is no time line.

Some days are easier than others, there's no shame in saying I find it difficult to talk about, just as there is no shame in tears.
There are lots of helpful websites such as SANDS, Aching Arms, 4louis should you need more support , but I'm sending you a handhold too❤️

There is nothing wrong with you. I am so sorry for your loss.
You speak about your child with the people you love most. That is most important.

OP, there is absolutely nothing you should or should not have done. You lost your baby and if there was a list of things that are most painful in life, I am sure this would be right at the top. It is totally normal for you to feel heartbroken, I really don't like it when society tries to push people into thinking they should just 'get over it' at some point or 'move on'.

I am so sorry for your loss ❤

My daughter was stillborn 20 years ago and I still cry for her. They say prayers for her at my local church on the anniversary of her loss. I used to go but I don’t now because I just end up crying and everyone looks at me.
I’m so sorry for your loss it’s so so sad and I think you have every right to cry.
I think about her everyday still. On the day she was born we have a cake and I light a candle for her.
The world moves forward but part of me is always stuck on that day not wanting to leave her. I’m sorry you’ve joined this sad little club with me. Please know that lots of us feel the same and you have every right to cry for your loss.

Whilst I think wave of light/saying baby's name is a great way to de-stigmatise baby loss and allow women to grieve, that doesn't mean you have to do it publicly if you aren't comfortable. Everyone grieves differently and five years is no time at all really.

And for you, OP x

@Joshanddonna "The world moves forward but part of me is always stuck on that day not wanting to leave her."
I couldn't have put it any better. I'm so sorry for your loss - and the others who have shared theirs too.
I think I do need to chat to someone.

@Morecrimblecrumble yes, they feel involuntary. I'd really like to be able to speak about him without them but they just creep out. And I know I shouldn't feel ashamed to cry but it is awkward in public and then more emotionally draining to deal with the sympathy, tissue rummaging and so on. So I guess I protect myself from that by avoiding the subject (and feeling guilty for not keeping his name alive).

I’m so sorry for your loss. There is nothing wrong with you x