Apologies for this long post!
After a full IVF cycle, which ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks, a failed frozen cycle, and another full IVF cycle we had a beautiful DD who is now 7 years old. When she was 4 we started the process to try and get her a sibling but then Covid hit and treatment was paused. When lists reopened they were operating at lower capacity meaning we had to wait. Time ticked by.
We finally began treatment - the first 3 full rounds all resulted in one good embryo (our usual result) but none stuck. Then this summer we began a fourth round (our last) and we couldn’t believe it when it worked. I never thought I would see the words ‘pregnant’ on a pregnancy test again and the joy in our house was overwhelming.
An an early scan (6.5weeks) we were told it was twins and all that excitement and happiness evaporated for me. It was shock but also I had no pregnancy symptoms and they were measuring 4 days less than expected, similar to my first pregnancy which ended in miscarriage. I only saw risk, danger, disruption and pain ahead and hardly ate or slept. Two weeks later (8 weeks 2 days based on first scan) after a bleed a week before, it was confirmed that they had stopped developing, but only just.
I am heartbroken over losing the twins, and am so sorry for all the anxiety and stress I felt after that first scan. If I had know I only had them for a short time I would have been so much better. I was so scared. I’m spending my days thinking about every single thing I did to try and figure out if I did something or if it was always going to end this way. I can constantly see their scan images before my eyes and my heart aches for them. I want them back. I want someone to turn time back just a few weeks - please, it’s all I want. Now there is no risk I can only see the joy the would have brought us all, how they would have brought our house alive.
I am now 39 and know that the chances of fertility treatment ever working is low but I am still desperate for another baby. I want a chance to redo the last month, a chance to care for a baby again, and give my DD the sibling I know she desperately wants. I don’t know what to do. I just can’t see a way out of the grief - grief for the babies, grief for the loss of a dream. And I am so angry that I can’t have what so many get so easily.
I don’t really know why I’m posting - I guess I’m looking for answers, something to help me find sense in this nightmare. Has anyone been through anything like this and come out, happy, on the other side? Thank you in advance for any thoughts (and for making it to the end of this!).