Firstly, I would just like to offer all my love and hugs to anyone going thru the loss of their baby. It really is the shittiest of times. My story is a little different but the ending is similar.
I lost Willow at 14+5 almost 5 years ago, completely spontaneously. Started the day with midwife appt, no issues there. Ran some errands, nothing heavy or stressful. Started bleeding. Tried to get to the hospital, but it was becoming dangerous, especially with ds(15), dd(11) and ds(3) in the car. I pulled into a mcdonalds carpark, the safest spot I could find and got out the car. Ds(15) called the ambulance and my best friend. She came for the kids and the crew left some incontinence sheets for the saturated drivers seat. I was taken away by ambulance. I wasn't in any pain.
Within an hour, I had given birth to my baby and was told that she was born with "no signs of life", that I was very sick and if I delayed treatment, I could die. They couldn't stop the bleeding, and they took me to theatre. Emotionally I was torn - give up and go with my baby, or fight and stay with my children. When I came round, I didn't have any physical pain, but the need for comfort was overwhelming. The nurses were incredible. They sat with me while I sobbed, gave me more tea and biscuits than I could shake a stick at and all the hugs I needed. I needed 2 transfusions over the next couple of days because I was recovering well. When I got home, her crib was there, full of nappies, teddies and baby gros, blankets etc. I had a funeral to plan, college and work plus kids. I developed anxiety, and my gp said it was a grief response, normal given the circumstances.
My advice is this:
Be real with yourself emotionally. There is no right or wrong way to go thru this.
No one has the right to tell you how to get thru this.
Reach out - I'm here, Sands were amazing and there should be a designated specialist midwife to support families of angel children within your community.
Find the things that offer you the most comfort, favourite smells, soft blankets, music and dive into them for as long as you need.
Do not blame yourself! My pregnancy ended due to placental failure. Someone told me my child would never have known pain, cold or sadness because their entire life was spent wrapped up in the warmth of my body, next to my heartbeat, knowing that they were loved to beyond eternity. This was immensely comforting.
Be prepared that the waves of grief will/may strike when you least expect it and may not happen as quick as you'd expect. Absolutely let it out, screaming in the middle of nowhere, in your car, where ever you're comfortable is extremely cathartic.
There is no timeline for grief and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I'm sorry for the long response, my heart is with all of you. 💜