Heartbroken

[mariabombia]

Not really sure why I'm writing this all down here but I feel like I need to tell someone before I tell anyone irl , also if anyone could share their experiences of what to expect I would really appreciate it 😞

So my husband and I were ttc for a while, it was quite stressful and upsetting and we started looking into fertility treatment because it just wasn't happening. Its something we both have longed for so we were elated about getting out first positive in June.

Fast forward to our reassurance scan where we thought we were 7+4 to be told baby is measuring behind by 2 weeks but looked healthy and had a heartbeat ♥️

I had a bad feeling about this but I kept being reassured that there wasn't an obvious problem and that it could just be growing slow etc.I knew I hadn't got the dates mixed as we'd been ttc.

All the while I've had really strong symptoms, really sore boobs, throwing up 6+ times a day etc.

Yesterday night I seemingly spontaneously started bleeding & cramping 😞 it was pinkish to start with and turned very red within half an hour . Enough to cover the toilet roll when wiping but only spotting on a pantry liner. I was advised to go to a&e so waited there for 4.5 hours to be seen by a gynae dr who checked my cervix and took some bloods.

My bloods were over 20,000 hcg, which I was told was quite high (explains the sickness!) & my cervix was closed. She booked me in with EPU this morning and I went to bed last night with a glimmer of hope even though I was still bleeding and still having cramping.

Anyway today we went to the EPU and got our scan, to be told our very much loved and wanted first baby's heartbeat had stopped beating and that it was only measuring 6&3 , a further week behind than it should have been ( so 3 weeks in total) I asked the sonographer if the baby had died and she confirmed it had .

I just laid there holding my husbands hand as we both sobbed. How cruel to long for a child for so long for it to be snatched away from us like this, I just cannot get my head around it 😭 she showed us the screen and gave us a little print out and it just broke my heart as it looks noticeably bigger than it did on our first scan.

The nurse came to talk to us afterwards and she told us to wait a week to check if it grows anymore or to see if expectant management happens.

I'm under no illusions the baby is going to get a heartbeat again and start growing, but I am wondering what I can expect this week as I wait to properly miscarry? Has anyone got a similar experience of this? Im really scared. Hoping it just happens naturally & the fact that I've already started bleeding a bit is a good indicator for this.

I've been so anxious from ttc to finally getting pregnant and I just do not know how I am going to recover from this , it's just the most painful, awful experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

If anyone is in a similar position and you want to talk or vent I'm here and I understand what you are going through 💐

[Handmaid2019]

Hi love, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm also in a similar position to you, went for my reassurance scan last Sunday at 7 weeks, to be told there was only a gestational sac and yolk sac, no embryo. Then went for a scan at epu on Wednesday, they eventually found a heartbeat and embryo measuring between 5-6 weeks. I got told congratulations and that's that! I started bleeding last Sunday, red blood and since then I've been spotting brown blood. I've also got really strong pregnancy symptoms and am on anti sickness tablets. I just don't know what to do now. Feel like I'm just waiting to start bleeding. I've been having positive tests for a month now so the dates just don't add up.

Hope that you're okay xx

[mariabombia]

Thanks so much for your response @Handmaid2019, I'm really sorry to hear that you're in a similar position. I know it's an absolutely terrifying place to be, whenever you need a virtual hand hold I'll be here, I understand completely what you're going through.

Although that may not look good in theory, they must have had some hope your baby was okay if it had a heartbeat. When I was reading up about mine I saw lots of stories which ended like my situation and an equal amount of stories where the baby had grown slowly at first and that was the reason for measuring small. I really hope yours is a positive one ❤️ have you been seen since you started bleeding?

I'm just bleeding slowly and in so much pain. They told me the pain would be like a heavy period but it doesn't feel like that to me. I literally can't get comfortable unless I'm in the bath. I'm still getting strong morning sickness so finding it hard to keep pain medication down. It's really messing with my head, I wish I didn't actually have to see it happening 😭 it's just so heartbreaking,

I want to tell family and close friends but I'm finding it hard bringing myself to do it.

[Handmaid2019]

@mariabombia you poor thing, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It really does sound awful.

Do you have a supportive partner? I know it's hard to talk to people but I'm sure it would lift the load slightly for you.

I've told my mum what's happening and she's trying to be positive that everything will be okay and that is annoying me. I just feel like I know things aren't right and I don't want to build anyones hopes up xxx

[Iusedtobedontcall]

In a similar position here. Had a reassurance scan at what I thought was 8 weeks. Was told I was measuring 6w 4 days and to come back in two weeks as it might just be too early. At the second scan it was measuring smaller with no heartbeat so I was referred to EPU. They scanned me a week later and confirmed what the private scan had said. I’ve had medical management with the tablets, so just in bed with bleeding and pain.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

[Whatafielddayfortheheat]

I don't know if this is what you want to hear, I'm not here to brag but to reassure you. We tried for 2.5 years and I then fell pregnant and suffered an ectopic pregnancy. I was so so depressed thinking I would never have a child. We were put on the loonnnng NHS waiting list for IVF.

But then I fell pregnant with DS a month after I stopped bleeding from the ectopic. And when we wanted to TTC again we anticipated a long time again but it took 3 months. I have 2 beautiful children. Your luck can turn xx

[CAnary0]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve had two miscarriages - one I decided to have surgery and the other happened naturally in a similar way to what you’re describing now. It’s a horrible time and all you can do is be kind to yourself and take each day at a time. If you can and want to tell people then do. I found it really helped having people around me who knew what I was going through and could support me. I remember getting flowers from friends and it making me break down but in a way that was helpful and needed as I felt they acknowledged my baby and what we had gone through. I just told everyone over message/WhatsApp as that way I didn’t have to say it out loud but they knew.
I hope you’re doing as ok as you can be x

[mariabombia]

Thank you for all your kind responses. It's been the hardest few days of our lives .

The pain intensified over the weekend & I think I have passed most of it now. I still had morning sickness for a while so couldn't keep pain relief down, thankfully that has stopped now. Im hoping when I go back to get checked they can confirm it has all passed 😞

It has just been so heartbreaking to see it happening right in front of my eyes. It was nothing like the heavy period they told me it would be.

We're terrified about what this means about the future. It took us so long to conceive and then this happened. How can we just be that unlucky? It's so unfair.

When I asked the sonographer why this has happened she just said she didn't know. I can't wrap my head around people miscarrying 3 times before anyone checks they have a condition which may be causing it. Does anyone know if you can get these checks done privately ? I can't seem to find info on it.


@Handmaid2019 Thank you for your message. I do have the most supportive partner, I don't know how I would cope without him. How are you doing? Have you been told anything further since? Really hoping for the best for you.

@Iusedtobedontcall I'm so sorry to read this . I understand completely what you are going through, you are not alone. It's the worst feeling in the world, I can't get the sonographer's words and the sound of my husband sobbing out of my mind. I don't think I'll ever forget this.
If you ever want to talk separately to this please pm me. I hope you are being supported by someone.

@Whatafielddayfortheheat so sorry to hear about the ectopic, that must have been so difficult but it's lovely to hear how things worked out for you, positive stories like that give me hope and strength so thank you for sharing yours.

@CAnary0 so sorry to hear about your losses, I can't imagine how difficult they must have been ♥️Did they say they would test to see why they happened? Thank you for your advice, it's really appreciated and I understand completely what you mean about acknowledgement for your baby.I've just had my phone off mostly. My husband told our close family at the weekend, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I've recently messaged close friends that knew but it was so difficult to do.

[Iusedtobedontcall]

@mariabombia I do unfortunately understand what you are going through. It was more painful than I could have ever imagined, physically and emotionally. Sending you hugs. Like your DH, mine has been a big support. I am starting to feel physically much better and that has helped me emotionally too.

[Milkand2sugarsplease]

It's a horrible place to be, very lonely and daunting.

The sad truth is that a lot of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Historically we wouldn't have known and would have assumed it was our period but now we can test so early for pregnancy that we know it's a mc rather than a period.

Look after yourself and keep trying, most likely you WILL get there. That's not to take away from what you're experiencing now, allow yourself the time to process.

I had a bleed with pregnancy number 1 (a much longer for IVF miracle) and he'll be 10 this time. I had a bleed in pregnancy number 2 which turned into a miscarriage (again IVF) and then no bleeding in pregnancy number 3 (natural pregnancy). I'm just trying to say, that pregnancy is so varied and there isn't a "normal".

I still stop to think about that baby that never was - who they would have been and what they would be like. I'll never forget carrying them for the short time I did - but I learned to be ok and believe that my body did what it needed to do at that time.

Keep moving forwards, while never forgetting.xx