Lost My Baby At 10 Weeks - My Sister Has Just Announced Pregnancy Due Same Time I Would Have Been

[LiLawrence]

It's my first time of writing one of these so I'm slightly scared!

I found out I was pregnant late May, we were over the moon. Due to multiple miscarriages I had early scans with the EPU. Had a scan at 4 weeks and 6 weeks where everything looked good and with the 6 week scan a heartbeat was found; this gave us the hope everything was going to be okay and this was our time.
I was booked in for another scan 2 weeks after the 6 week scan; I had started spotting bright red blood a few days prior to the scan early July and my pregnancy symptoms had disappeared so I was assuming the worst. The scan confirmed there was no heartbeat😢
My whole family were aware of the pregnancy and miscarriage.

I have been an absolute mess since and just feel broken. Fast forward to yesterday, my sister announced to me that she is pregnant; due 5 days before I was meant to be. She had just had her 12 week scan and all was looking good. I immediately broke down in tears. I am happy for her but also at the same time feel I can't be happy for her? I am also still so broken, and just not strong enough to process the news at this time. I don't want to speak to her at the moment, and feel I need to work on myself and get myself strong. I also have jealously and resentment towards her. Is this all normal? Has anyone else gone through this and can help me? I feel how can I get over this. Seeing her baby grow up knowing ours should have been the same age. I am not processing the information well and just feel a absolute mess. I also feel selfish as it's her time, but the family members will be thinking of me too, as they know I've lost the baby. My mind is just so messed up and just looking for some support 😘

Can’t add much that will help, just wanted to say I’ve recently been through similar and if a sibling was expecting a baby in the same timeline (or even at all to be brutally honest) I’d find it very hard and need a lot of time to get my head in the right space for it.

it’s not your fault you feel this way.

sending a huge hug

I’m so sorry OP, that sounds unbelievably hard .
I think your feelings are completely natural and you should take all the time you need.

So sorry op I know it is hard. This happened to me but with my very close cousin. Sadly I found out at my 12 weeks scan 3 weeks before my wedding. Cousin sat next to me on the top table moaning the chicken was undercooked and it would harm her baby. I wanted to throw the plate of food at her - probably irrational I know. Fortunately for me I was pregnant again once her DD arrived so it took some of the pain away. It isnt easy and you recognise it isnt your sisters fault. Give yourself time to process things

I’m so sorry for your loss and the fact that you will have to deal with your sister’s pregnancy. The first thing I will say is, look after your heart and don’t do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Don’t force yourself to go to her baby showers, or look at her scan pictures, or rub her belly. Just don’t. There are no prizes for being normal and bubbly.

You need to speak to your sister, and your family and explain that you are really struggling with her pregnancy, you wish her the best and you wish you could be there for her right away- but you just can’t. Unless your family are thick and selfish, they will understand. But get this out in the open quickly.

I know how you feel. With my first miscarriage, just as I was getting better, a girl in our social circle (girlfriend of my DH’s close friend) announced they were having a baby. This was whilst I was in the throes of acupuncture and temperature checking and trying to get my cycle back on track. It hurt so much. I got pregnant again just before a big gathering and thought I’d be strong enough to see them, but then miscarried again just before.

All I could think was ‘I should be more pregnant than you’ and it turned me into a bitter, angry person. It was such a horrible time in my life. (I didn’t even have the joy of being happy for them as the woman had moaned a few months before about her boyfriend not committing to her, then BAM surprise ‘I was on the pill’ baby 😂). Those ugly feelings were absolutely toxic and ‘being normal’ just supercharged them. I had to stay away- for everyone’s well-being.

Look after yourself, exercise, meet friends, do hobbies, start hobbies, book a nice holiday or getaway if you can afford it. Chasing NHS referrals or going to see a private gynaecologist to get some suggestions of things to try next pregnancy might make you feel a bit more positive going forward. I’m sorry if that sound simplistic, I hated people telling me these things but now I realise it was so important to look after myself and my other needs.

Thankfully I caught the next cycle, got a progesterone prescription and I am currently snuggled up with my new daughter.

best of luck to you. Xx

Congrats @Suprima and thanks for sharing your experience, I know this isn't my thread but I found it helpful to read as I am currently at the angry stage and hate what I'm feeling.

Its ok to feel this way... You are human.. You are grieving...

I felt same when my bestest friend announced her pregnancy and we would've been due same time too. I remember having a panic attack and uncontrollably crying when she told me. I was happy for her but i guess reality hit me hard that time. I also felt anger as she wasny trying and failed contraception caused her pregnancy, she didn't want to try that year but i longed for a baby. Anyways on the birth of her child i found out i was expecting my now DD. Her child and i have such a great bond and i love her so much like my own neice.

I guess what im trying to say is.. Let urself feel these emotions.. Its part of the pain.. Hopefully in time it will get somewhat easier.. For now, do what u gotta do to get through the day 💕

I’m pleased it helped you. All I will say is- try and use your angry phase positively whilst you stay away and heal from the things that distress you.

I essentially ‘lost’ a year of my twenties through being depressed, jealous and furious and unable to do anything. I put on weight, let my friendships slip, didn’t do my hobbies and had to take interruption from my studies.

Hide from baby showers by all means, but don’t hide from non-baby life. I’d have been in a better place mentally if I would have sought counselling for my feelings, lost 10kg of depression weight from binge eating, had some great times with friends and would have completed more of my Duolingo.

It sounds simplistic, but you may feel like your life is on pause until you are pregnant again but it really doesn’t help to let it all slip by.

best of luck and love xx

I had the same my SIL had her baby a few weeks before what would have been my due date. I didn't go to the baby shower and she understood. It was very hard as you say its not about not being happy for them but it's constant reminder of what you've lost and what stage of pregnancy you should have been at. Take the time you need for yourself. I've just had another msicarraige ns due date is similar to one of my friends so I feel I'm going through it all again. Sending lots of love. Have you got friends that you can talk with openly that really has helped me to vent and say I know I'm not being fair but it's how I feel.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My experience is different but similar. My sister and I started TTC at the same time. She got pregnant quickly. Two weeks before her due date I had a miscarriage (confirmed at 10 weeks).

It's hard. I am jealous. She's nervous about hurting me. I am worried I'll miss this precious time with her and her child.

My biggest tip is to talk about it. If you can, be open with people about what you're going through. Most of my friends and family know and it means I'm not getting 'when's your turn' questions off the back of my sister's pregnancy.

And if you're on Facebook, I've found the group 'worst girl gang ever' helpful, it's a miscarriage support group.

@LiLawrence

I remember feeling like this in my first pregnancy. I was 8 months and felt something was wrong. This friend took me to the hospital which I am grateful for. To be told my baby had died and it was hard her standing there pregnant but also thinking back that it probably was hard her hearing being pregnant and made her scared too. She was a couple of months behind me.

Then I had to go through with the delivery and she was there bringing me food after. She was trying to be there for me I won't lie I went through the why me it's not fair stage.

That was March 2005 and she was due May. When she was in labour she contacted and I actually went with her to hospital. I probably shouldn't of because once at the same hospital I delivered the baby had to tell her sorry had to go. But sometimes I think if you know someone lost their baby 2 months before yours you would say you stay at home. I can't have you there it will be too upsetting but she didn't. She was caught up in her excitement and just maybe thought it would help me.

Then she had the baby and again think she expected me to go and see her. So I went to see the baby and it was very difficult especially same hospital. After she went home I saw a her baby it was hard processing what happened to me and her baby here fine. I was happy for her but it just hurt so badly.

I had met someone kind of clinged to this man probably to take my mind of the pain. One day this friend was calling me I thought she going to ask me to go round to see her. I just couldn't face the baby but I was going to meet this man. Then I had a text saying her mum had passed away. I remember I must of broke down on the bus on the way to hospital to see her. I really don't know what people thought. I saw her mum layed out dead in the hospital.

I had put my feelings aside but I do feel like no one really thought of me and I know she did hold it against me that I wasn't there when her mum was passing away. It was very difficult time for us both looking back. I use to feel guilty but I going in to the flat seeing her mum lifeless on the chair think that would have tipped me over the edge.

I think now she realizes how I felt then with another situation. A lot of people said say you were really strong. I honestly didn't feel like it I didn't have counselling or anything.

It's hard hitting March and this year he would of been 17 and then her son turned 17 in May.

During the time I was pregnant I forget to mention all my friends were not just this friend too. Even a cousin was pregnant at the time. It's hard to be happy for them when it's a constant reminder seeing their growing bump. One friend couldn't tell me she was pregnant until I suppose a bit later but I was happy for her.
This friend was having a boy and for me it seemed harder as the others were having girls.
I do look back and think it must of be hard for them hearing it.

Some people have given great advice. I think just get your mind straight you still grieving..Say your happy for her but you can't be around her for now. They got to understand how your feeling.
Don't feel bad like your wrong because it's not easy at all.
Take your time and take care of yourself.
I would speak to a counsellor too.

I am so so so sorry. This is so hard. I am in a similar situation, not a sibling, but my partner's best friend will become a dad the same time as my partner would have.
Miscarriage sucks. I am sending you big hugs and I believe you will hold your rainbow baby next year ❤

Thank you all so much for your kind messages.

Firstly I would like to say sorry to anyone who who is in/has been in a similar situation to mine, or even anyone who has had a miscarriage. It is one of the hardest things to through especially multiple times.

I'm always here for anyone who wants to talk. 😘

I decided to take a step back from my sister and most my family so I can process my grief and get myself stronger again. Day by day I am getting stronger, but I think it's going to take me a while. I am also going to look into counselling. Will have to go privately as NHS haven't even got back to me yet.

Everything you are planning to do sounds very sensible ❤