About to have 4th miscarriage and not coping

[Ryanstartedthefire2]

I have 2 children from IVF aged 7 and 5. I've been trying for 3rd for 3 years. I'm am 8 weeks pregnant but found out 3 days ago that the heart beat stopped at 7 weeks 6 days. This is my 4th miscarriage in 2 years. I am on holiday with my family in the most beautiful place and I'm trying to act normal but I feel like jumping off the balcony. I am disgusted by life. Sad and very angry. I used to believe in God but I don't know now. My husband does not understand and is getting on with day trip today. Meanwhile ive said to the kids that mummy isn't feeling well and going to stay at home today. The kids think I'm boring grumpy and lazy and dad is the fun guy. Really upsetting as I'd been looked forward to this experience holiday for 2 years and all I'm able to do is cry in my bed. Starting to resent my husband as he is the infertile one but it's me that has to do the ivf and its my life that is ruined once again. I had lost a lot of weight and took up running to get healthy for this and now I'm piling on the pounds and just bought cigarettes after not smoking for years. I thought it might make me feel better. I'm thinking of getting an early flight home as don't want to hurt the kids but can't be a good mum at the moment and just want to be on my own. This is a huge hormone crash and I've had it before so know I will get better but at the moment I just can't remember a time when the world was not a painful place and I feel personally hurt by everything. I haven't bled yet but just wish my body would eject it so at least I'm not bloated with sore boobs and a dead baby inside. Not sure if getting flight home would be worse for the kids or better. At least I could book in a D & C and be my myself.

Hi @Ryanstartedthefire2 I'm sorry to read your post. I'm going through something similar. I have one child. I'm at work but feel like I'm going through a panic attack. I had a chemical, then two early miscarriages. I am 41 so feel this is it for me.

Hi, im going through miscarriage number 4.. if you need someone to talk to i think would realy help me too, as i feel EXACTLY the same as you right now, and my husbands behaving the same said we have to get on with life. How can you when you still have to go through this?

Hayley I'm so sorry. This pain is unreal. I've PMed you.

Oh no. Not you too. It just feels like a nightmare that we should he able to wake up from. I'm nearly 40 too so feels like the walls are closing in. I completely understand the panic.

Its so unfair. I've always wanted a big family and I have friends who only just decided they'd like to have babies in the past few years and just popped them out after one after one, probably first month they tried.

Hope you got through work. Could you take some time off? Try and make that a priority for your self care if you don't have days off soon. I'd definitely struggle to hold it together if I was working this week. All your feeling are to be expected and are totally normal in the disgusting circumstances. I don't think there could be anything worse. Sending love and hope for a brighter future where you can see a way forward. I've been listening to "Into my Arms" by Nick Cave and there's a bit about he hopes the angels will light candles to guide a clear path for you. I hope your angels do.

@Ryanstartedthefire2 I’m so sorry.
I had my MVA procedure this morning. Lots of tears were shed. My little boy is only 2.5 years old so can’t tell that I’m not myself (a good thing).
Have you had your embryos PGT-A tested?
I’m thinking about it given I’m over 40. Negative result with an abnormal embryo is ok but not sure I can handle the miscarriages.